epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Daphne + The Old Guard

Daphne (2016)

This was underlit mumblecore. A slut is notoriously unreliable, she has incurosity and cannot be relatively courteous or show gratefulness. This was unbearably trite and painfully obvious. This was a thankless grind.

The Old Guard (2020)

Charlize Theron stars in this rubbish tale of immortals. They're not intimidating and there are guns and Chiwetel Ejiofor and things aren't clarified. This was not much anticipated and there is distaff violence. This was based on a comic with a magnificently silly premise. This was taken very seriously and is ghastly.

The immortals come from medieval England, Iron Age Asia, Belle Epoque Paris and now modern day America. This should be far better. There are engineered opportunities and Theron is aggressive and furtive. They fear terrible fates and mean bastards lurk. The world needs to be pacified and their civilising attempts (by way of being mercenaries) are devoid of meaning.

There is no melodrama and people degrade themselves morally in this vacuous mess. How do they have a psychic link? There is blatant disregard for logic in this farce which is a ridiculous folly. Civilised nations of modern times aren't so civilised. Some rich prat prats and there is dubious behaviour. This was magnificently disastrous.

This was relatively trivial and profoundly unimportant and absurd. People take unmitigated batterings and this has intractable problems. There is a spirit of solidarity amongst the immortals. This was appalling. Baddies loudly proclaim their badness. This does not demonstrate competence. There is no reprieve from this lousy film.

This was vaguely irritating and irresponsible baddies bore. This does not hint obliquely at menace with its dull characters. There is no tension maintained and the outbreaks of violence are deeply confusing in this pulpy contrivance. This was appalling hideousness that was displeasing. This was unappealing and gaff prone and it causes no endearing amazement.

1 of them died long ago. Another was a victim of the witch trials but didn't die – something horrific happened to her. The lost immortal cannot be found but she is part of the sequel hook. How do they get money? People do things to no good purpose. Wouldn't the iron box the lost immortal was locked in corrode in the ocean? The flashbacks are cheap looking and there is no enormous concern. This was not disturbing in intent. There is no guile and they're not untraceable and no perilous states.

Best Lines:

“Have you been watching the news lately? Some good means nothing.”

“Your team's the best I've ever seen.”

“What did it get us.”

“The world isn't getting any better!”

“They know what we are.”

“Holding her neck together.”

“How old are you?”


“We killed each other.”

“Many times.”

“Fight for what we think is right.”

“Met in the Crusades.”

“An army of 4?”

“Can you please not do that again?”

“You said you had answers.”

“I didn't say you'd like them.”

“For creatures such as you there is no salvation.”

“Spent decades searching for her.”

“Her pain, her rage.”

“500 years in a box at the bottom of the ocean.”

“Dread capture.”

“Time when I was worshipped as a god.”

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