epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Hampstead + Cruel Peter + Mask + Fun Size + Skyscraper

Hampstead (2017)

A woman wants to shag a homeless man. This has flyers and Diane Keaton. This was not relevant, purposeful or grounding. Every Diane Keaton character ever dresses exactly the same. Karl Marx's grave is seen in Highgate. Wouldn't the homeless guy smell? They picnic in a cemetary – she could get diptheria off his cup. They overlook being surrounded by corpses.

The homeless man has a well groomed beard for a homeless man. He lives in a very rustic shack and squats. Where does he go to the loo? How does he pay for bus fare? He wants to stay in his shack.

He's lived in his shack for 17 years and he's not decent or wise. Simon Callow shows up. The tramp is not a suspiciously wise or quiet outsider, he's just a jerk. He feels no connectedness. She has debts. Difference is not to be celebrated. This ceases to have any relevance. His shack was worth 4 million?!? He gives it up. There is a random chicken. How did he find her? He declares he lives the life he wants: namely sponging off others. This was based on a true story!

Best Lines:

“Cause of month.”

“Get away from here!”

“Manipulate the lives of others.”

“Disinter her.”

“Drowning in a sinkhole of dept.”

“Sick hippo.”

“Literally claws the book from her hair.”

“Tell me I'm not eating crickets.”

“Unless something jumped in.”

“I'm a man who lives as he choses to.”

“Mr angry.”

“The tantrum you mentioned: court and hearing.”

“Quirky American project.”

“We were never really friends.”

“Have to just forgive you now.”

“Chose to be homeless.”

“Leeching off the land.”

“Indebted to no one.”

“Leave the mad at home.”

“Plays to the sterotype.”

“That wanker. Him. There.”

“Cottage thing.”

“I know my short shanks.”

“Deeply sorry to hear that.”

“Safe confines of his flat.”

“Some strange tramp.”

“Very sweet tale.”

“Noble charity case.”

“Whole world wants you to change.”

“Everybody's happy.”

“Even you.”

“I love you.”

“Why'd you let me go?”

Cruel Peter (2019)

This Italian horror is absolutely nonsensical and clumsy.

Mask (1985)

A son (covered in bad make up) has a disease and his biker mother (Cher) who dresses like a biker chick/metal groupie raises him. This is a true story. The son wants to go to school but the school does not want him but the mother makes them take him. There is sexism. Andrew Robinson shows up as a doctor. This was so very worthy with a nice hooker and disapproving grandparents. Eventually he dies. Sam Elliott, Eric Stoltz, Estelle Getty, Laura Dern and kelly Minter featured in this dull film.

Fun Size (2012)

Victoria Justice tries to be a movie star. Her BFF Jane Levy became the biggest star of them all. Wren (Justice) has a little brother who does not speak and causes chaos. There is a cat and this was okay. There is a Johnny Knoxsville cameo. Osric Chau is in this. This was the very epitome of a bad idea.

Best Lines:

“My mom kind of lost it: she started dying her hair blonde, shopping at Forever 21 and going out with a person named Keevin.”

“Costume jail.”

“They keep making sequels.”

“He is kind and employed!”

“There's an 8 year old boy inside.”

“That's messed up.”

“It's not what you're thinking.”

“Spider midget.”

“Can't even play a proper c chord.”

“My best friend shot another man's drumstick.”

Skyscraper (2018)

Dwayne Johnson and Neve Campbell star. The tallest building in the world is not a petri dish of virus instead it is full of bad guys. Violence is implemented vigorously. There are hugely disruptive baddies. Johnson has lost his looks and expositon flies. People act precipitously.

This was intellectual fraud and this was of no relevance. This was an appalling disaster. There was malicious cynicism and a vindictive attack and one feels curious distain for this. There is an obvious friend gone evil and this was not wildly inventive. There is wilful inaction and this goes on pompously and ponderously.

There are obvious VFX and this was bumbling and ineffectual preposterousness. This had no droll pecliarity. There is no sense of confinment. This had no rigour or ingenuity. The villains cackle a little too loudly. There are no oily psychopaths. Nobody is convincingly harried and this was a deranged engima. The baddie is obvious and there is no greater level of disquiet.

Johnson has a strong will to resist. This was inauspicious and frivolous. There is no blood and Johnson bandages wounds with duct tape and has a bionic leg. There are holograms and this was an obvious 'Die Hard' knockoff. The baddie even falls off the roof! He got there through his own choices.

Best Lines:

“Put your son down and step away.”

“Double helix wind turbine.”

“Working for thugs.”

“Get you in to see the night time panda feeding.”

“Penthouse panic room.”

“Military grade super alloy.”

“Fort Knox, a mile in the sky.”

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