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The Rules Of The Beast

It is 1897 and Jonathan Harker is a shell of a man. There are nuns and a fly and stakes. Harker has deep weariness. This BBC misfire was NOT faithful to the book. A fly crawls on and in Harker's eye. A nun asks about intimate moments. The creators of 'Sherlock' made this and have thrown aside all nuance. The opening credits are iffy. Dracula is the threat travelling from the dark place.

There is a wise peasant woman and nobody acts like a Victorian. Where did the 2nd coach come from? Bats fly and Dracula has a funny accent and is old. Flies fly and the nun spouts all the nitpicks and plot holes about the book. Harker looks dead and there is a reason for that. There is shame and Dracula gets younger looking by feeding on Harker. His brides lurk. Dracula keeps people in boxes.

There is bad VFX and visual homages to past versions of the tale. Dracula's accent changes. Dracula looks a bit Clive Owen. Harker finds a map of the castle. Will this end? END! END! END! Dracula is a source of torment in this barely competent tale. The cross only seems to affect Dracula, why? There is a vampire baby. This was a banal abysmal failure. Dracula claims he killed Mozart.

There is a ripoff of 'The Shining' and this was an infuriating anticlimax. Dracula has no cold meance no matter how much the actor hams it up. Mina shows up. There are bad comedy one liners and Mina's thick and Harker's stupid and drooling. Dracula emerges from a wolf and walks around showing off his arse.

There is a reveal about who the nun is. A stake fails to work. Dracula wall climbs like a flea and people refuse to die. I've seen Hammer films and a Johnny Lee Miller movie that was better than this.

Best Lines:

“Fled that place.”

“What a lot of truth.”

“Do not barter with the infinite.”

“I intend no impertinence.”

“Stopped what?”


“Look to your own protection.”

“I do not drink...wine.”

“Vague in certain crucial regards.”

“None of the vampire legends make sense.”

“Dead and walking.”

“The sunlight to which he would never return.”

“Enfeebled and trapped.”

“The screaming has stopped.”

“Prison without locks.”

“Baubles of vanity.”

“Struck you as strange of course?”

“Every step I took I made the wrong choice.”

“What had become of these people?”

“The divine ability to die.”

“Secret every gravedigger keeps.”

“Scratch at our coffin lids for all eternity.”

“What is I leave this place right now?”

“No one is stopping you!”

“Prince of exceptional learning and attainment.”

“Please attend my words with care!”

“Prince among vampires.”

“A man here you consider to be your property.”

“Most nuns I've had in one sitting.”

“Made you his friend.”

“For the sake of a roof over my head.”

“Sometimes the legends are right.”

“What happened after you were murdered?”

“A drowned man walking and talking arouses a certain amount of curiosity.”

“That is not a temptation with which I was struggling.”

“What have you brought down upon us?”

Blood Vessel

The dramatic cliffhanger of 1x01 is shrugged off. Dracula and various tropes board the Demeter. Dracula vapes. There is so much no homo. A cut price Judi Dench lurks. Lord Ruthven and Dorabella lurk. The names! Where is Renfield? This was nothing of consequence. But it was better than 1x01. The Demeter turns out to have been stocked as a larder by Dracula. Some of the crew leg it – what became of them? There is a twist and bizarre behaviour and death. Where did Mina go? There is paranoia and the fate of the Demeter is different and Dracula walks to land and does a Colin Firth in his wet shirt. Dracula speaks better English than the entire cast of 'Hollyoaks'. There is a massive twist at the end of this ep.

Best Lines:

“Food should never answer back.”

“Still boring.”

“Boring me.”

“The devil is on this ship! The devil!”

“The purpose of an alias seems to have eluded you.”

“My god!”

“Ah, no.”

“Leave a shadow on your soul.”

“What might have been.”

“Stinking of gravedirt.”

“As familiar as you like.”

“You're very wicked.”

“It has been said.”

“This again. Tedious book.”

“The ship must never reach England.”

“The British are very keen on that sort of thing.”

“Menacing a cabin boy.”

“What sort of fog follows a ship?”


Eva has a miscarriage, she is trying for a baby. This is her 4th miscarriage. She is still as interesting as wet carboard and or oat milk. Eva loves to make malicious insinuations and aspersions. There is a deportation trial. The preacher's ACLU lawyer yaps. Eva has a fascist look. Followers show up at the tornado church. Eva has immense concern but no humanity or decency. Eva and the precher come face to face. The refugees are still on the border.

There are moral issues. What is his plan? Someone has an inoperable mass. It is said the preacher is from Iran. There are no thought out responses. A conversation is bugged. Avi drinks and Eva thinks the preacher has been trained. Avi quits.

This was slow and sluggish. Felix's wife whines. The preacher lectures on privilege in court and Eva wilfully indulges in being annoying. There is evident alarm and forthright condemnation. Fleix shows up to support the preacher in court. The judge is leaned on. The teen boy is in peril. The judge grants asylum and there is a twist.

Best Lines:

“People are coming.”

“Led to the border of a country that is never going to let them in.”

“The tears that you won't cry.”

“Met with hostility and aggression.”

“Just remember what put you there.”

“I walk with all men.”

“Poster boy for America's problems.”

“Deporting the messiah.”

“Audible gaps were heard.”

“Let me die in peace woman!”

So That Seeing They May Not See

Eva has scarcely concealed irritation. People have predictably outraged reactions. Felix has attiude. Eva justifies her actions. The preacher's followers grow. There is complexity and the town is being rebuilt from the catastrophic damage. Tents and RVs abound.

Eva is beset by irrelevance. A woman with a sick child is desperate. Eva is ill-equipped to deal; she aggressively combats the preacher. There are illegal acts and there are inevitable consequneces: huge, unpredictable and possibly long term consequences.

There is a dangerous escalation and a poor doomed dog named Samson. Eva has a disproportionately negative mood. The reporter lurks. The refugees are still outside the border. Eva spies and what is his vague mission?

The preacher never answers questions. The refugees lose faith. Avi is in the USA plotting murder. How did he get to the USA? This was not compelling. Eva wants to draw people into arguments. The preacher actively invites judgment. Eva is not a frustrated moral philosopher, she is truly vile. Her career – if you can call it a career – involves prying.

There is no emotional content. The preacher inevitably draws criticism. Rebecca babbles and Eva is a test of audience tolerance. She's defined by thuggery. The preacher has no particular career plan. Eva has haughty distance. This was light on nunace. Eva is heavy on pomposity. This was not tonally distinct. Eva has mind-bending nihilism. Avi wimps out. Beau Bridges lurks. This was calamitous.


The crew get letters from home. Janeway is a giant ball of constant need. This lacks any emotional resonance. Chakotay learns the fate of the Maquis. Why is only 7 of 9 downloading the letters? Does no one outside the main cast do anything? Who built the communications relay? Tuvok and 7 are in peril. Janeway's man ditches her. This was dull, the Hirogen are laughable. The relay is destroyed.


The Hirogen bother Voyager. The Hirogen in their silly plastic blue costumes look bad. Tony Todd guest stars. The Doctor patronises 7 of 9. The Hirogen are a hunting species and an injured one is on board. A member of Species 8472 boards. 7 of 9 can make phaser rifles fire nanoprobes?!? The Species 8472 member is wounded from being hunted by the Hirogen and wants to go home.

7 of 9 won't help the Species 8472 member and Janeway says she has crossed a line. Janeway trying to be stern is hilariously stupid. 7 of 9 saves the day to no thanks. This was mediocre.

Best Line:

“I once tracked a silicon based lifeform though the neutonium mantle of a collapsed star.”


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