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Black Christmas (2019)

This 2nd reboot of the 1970s original is unsubtle, a total abomination, terrible and hopelessly unsatisfactory. I hope the cast go home to spend quality time with their paycheques and never act again.

Logan (2017)

This finale to the 'X-Men' franchise bar 'Dark Phoenix' leaves you oddly uninterested. It is 2029 and mutants are almost extinct. Laura, a child, has powers identical to Logan. Caliban lurks and X-Men comics exist. The mutant extinction was engineered. Deeply unpleasant people lurk. Why not kill Professor X? He's dangerous and his brain is classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

This was not madly enticing. Richard E Grant looks bored playing the baddie. This franchise is rendered pointless seeing as Professor X killed all the X-Men. This was relentlessly grim and people live miserable lives. Auto trucks are driven, exposition is spewed and people die. There is mumbling and this was not terrible and merely okay.

Best Lines:

“Folding your underpants.”

“Statue of Liberty was a long time ago, a long time.”

“They're gone now.”

The Thing (2011)

This prequel/reboot stars a homewrecker, it is 1982 and this was grossly inadequate. An alien spaceship is found. People enjoy conflict. The git from 'NCIS: LA' co-stars. This was calamitous. The ship in the ice has been there 100,000 years. The plot is goofy and this was manic and madcap. This lacks the nihilistic cynicism of the originals.

This is a bit uncannily compelling despite being naff. There is no depth or naturalistic dialogue. This is an increasingly unhopeful world. Violence is provoked and division sowed. There are bitter standoffs. People are staggeringly dysfunctional and error ridden and sloppy.

There is no original long term thinking. Sense does not prevail. Fillings from someone's teeth are found on the floor. There is obvious CGI. There is gross disregard for sense. There is an obvious trap. There is a flamethrower and things get fractious. Why does a research station have grenades? There is no cold pragmatic approach. They make the same mistakes over and over again.

Things are crudely put. People run around the ship. This just ends. The dog runs. This was okay. There was a flamethrower standoff. Why aren't they dying of cold? Or of lack of oxygen due to the fire? There was death. What became of the 'heroine'?

Best Lines:

“Several cold weather digs.”

“His team have found something.”

“What I'm being asked to dig up.”

“Storm moving in, a nasty one.”

“If this was in his arm, what's it doing out of him now?”

“These cells aren't dead.”

“Can't let any of them go.”

“That's no dog.”

“It could be murder.”

“It could be survival.”

“The enemy is outside.”

“It's got nowhere to go.”

“Yes it does.”


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