epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Safety Not Guaranteed+ Jumanji Welcome To The Jungle+Funeral In Berlin + 3 others

Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

A time travel ad leads to 'quirky' adventures. This was not pretty sensational and was in fact uncalled for and unnecessary. The storyline is dried up and the characters are terminally smug. There is no regret or sadness as the narky snowflakes whine.

This was annoying and irritating. One snowflake stalks someone. Is the time travel claimant over-judged? People follow him. This was incompetence that lacks moral facts. There are no ethical assumptions. People have upsetting past experiences and people are disingenuous. This was disastrous. He really did build a time machine. People ponder their options as this farcical film ends.

Best Lines:

“What are you doing interning at a magazine?”

“Diversity looks good on an application.”

“Allow for alternate histories.”

“Have you ever stared fear and danger in the eye and said yes?”

“Get off my porch.”

“You don't know pain, you don't know regret.”

“Didn't like my ass.”

“What exactly is the intended use?”

“Make sure he's not a psychopath.”

“Creepy glasses.”

“You're pretty impressive with a handgun.”

“Was there something wrong with Einstein or David Bowie?”

“You think this is normal?”

Jumanji Welcome To The Jungle (2017)

Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Jack Black and the talentless redhead from 'Doctor Who' star in this unasked for sequel in which the board game becomes a computer game. There is a weird house, various stupid teenagers and a creepy old man. The teens are sucked into the game and become game avatars. They go on a quest.

There is a jerk jock who is a bad friend. This was frivolous and alcohol is new to them. The jerk jock wilfully and underhandedly undermines his 'friend'. There is mumbling, chases and no escalating tension. There is green screen and this was not a masterful mix of myth and gritty reality. They meet the boring Alex.

This was okay but there are no thrills or fervour. This was not unique or innovative. This deserves limited credit. This was cheerless and there is no delectable oddness. There is no ancient meance or moral insanity. The plot is thin but somehow goodwill and average expectations led to an upcoming sequel.

This strains desperately for moral responsibility. This was unlovely. There are various vaguely defined threats. The ending is a wearisome inevitability. Colin Hanks shows up. There is opposition and hostility. There is sap and no moral justification and Nick Jonas.

Best Lines:

“Weapons valet.”

“A lot wrong with that.”

“Former partner, now nemesis.”

“Enormous killer zebra.”

“The world is a terrifying place. Be careful of everything.”

“Be more careful where you loiter.”

“I look like a living garden gnome!”

“Smouldering intensity.”

“Throw through cecling.”

“I'm done with that.”

“Dumb, super into it or nasty.”

“Touch it, move it, play with it.”

“Did he just refer to himself in the third person?”

Funeral In Berlin (1966)

Michael Caine stars and does his thing with complete seriousness. A man wants to defect. Nobody talks or acts like a human being. A manic pixie dream girl has dire-logue. This was dire.

Nostradamus (2000)

Rob Estes stars. A weirdo runs around. This was incoherent.

Table 19 (2017)

Unwanted guests are stuck at the loser table at a wedding. The jerk best man had the bridesmaid demoted because he is a tool. The ex-bridesmaid has jerk friends who abandon her but makes new ones. The bitch bride's cake gets trashed. There's cheating and a baby. This was stupid.

Best Line:

“I can smell the toilets from here. That's how well we know the bride and groom.”

Miss Sloane (2016)

Jessica Chastain plays a lobbyist hired to work against the gun lobby. Mark Strong lurks as does Sam Waterston, John Lithgow and Dylan Baker. Miss Sloane insults people and boffs male hookers. There is plotting and counter plotting, this was good.

Best Line:

“She's your enemy now.

Tags: doctor who, movie review

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