epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

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Movie Reviews: Mike And Dave Need Waiting Dates + Bite + Wish For Christmas + The Monkey's Paw 🐰

Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)

Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick star in this good comedy. The Stan Lee cosplay looking dude from 'GLOW' has a cameo. This is based on a true story. Sorta. 2 dude bros, Mike and Dave, are losers who ruin parties. They are told to bring nice girls as dates to their sister's wedding. 2 cocktail waitresses are no innocents and they see Mike and Dave's craigslist ad for wedding dates. There is stupid behaviour all round.


Sense has all but vanished from the earth. Mike and Dave's ad has a disastrous effect. This is a film designed to goad critics. Mike and Dave are mortifying idiots who engage in abusive and insulting and threatening behaviour.


A 'Jurassic Park' ATV tour goes horribly awry. Mike and Dave's father has appearing and disappearing facial hair. Mike and Dave are irrefutably dumb. Their father's expectations for them are less. Things get contentious. This not decent, intelligent or tasteful. There is ill concealed annoyance and the brothers are casually disparaging. There is a 'sexy' massage and a fight. This was bad taste comedy.


Best Lines:

“Epic tracking shots.”


“Won that wet t-shirt contest in Mexico.”


“I read most of the 'Goosebumps' series.”


“We don't look like nice girls.”


“That Jesus rag.”


“Your underwear needs more underwear.”


“Who would forget about an ultimantum?”


“Floozy ass bimbo.”


“Dolphin excursion.”


“She has chalymdia!”

“Everybody does.”


“Dick flicks.”


“Made even more enemies.”


“Stupid dumb idea.”


“Not like you asked or anything. But you're here.”


“Mexican bed bugs.”


“Gaping mouth of yours. Shut it! Shut it!”


“All you need load bearing rivets and a reinforced cecling.”


“Really old song for old people.”


“Why are you laughing at me?”


“Bowels of the internet.”


“You look like Don Johnson fu**ed Zack Morris.”


“Just like the movie 'Wedding Crashers'.”


“Just perch.”


“Don't you cry.”


“I hate us too!”


“Barely functioning.”


“Those are not good qualities.”


“Drinking puddle water.”


“Read the back of a shampoo bottle for 13 hours.”


“Didn't touch my lavender juice box.”


“By the power invested in me by the website wwwdotbeyourdowndeacondotcom.”


~
Bite (2015)

A bride to be is bitten and transforms in this deeply dispiriting and utterly absurd 'horror'. This film has a solid commitment to mediocrity and is utterly inadequate. There is bad acting and the bride to be pukes, sprays pus and undergoes body horror and drools. Her groom to be is a cheater. There is aggressive and violent behaviour and no concept of hazmat. There is a sequel hook. NO.


~
Wish For Christmas (2016)

A girl wishes away her parents faith. This was terrible.


~
The Monkey's Paw (2013)

Stephen Lang stars in this dreck.

Tags: glow, movie review
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