The Stepfather (2005) Part 1
Philip Glenister lost his daughter, he marries a new woman and then her daughter goes missing. The extremely hostile stepdaughter isn't missed. Is he shifty? There is a snotty ex. The stepdaughter had a dodgy boyfriend and a mean BFF. The stepdaughter is truly vile and can't act. There are twists and the mother gets hysterical. There is suspicion and no dignity and no logical plot path.
“We don't do locks.”
“The green ink brigade.”
“Baked beans aren't vegtables.”
“Sod you then!”
“Are you on drugs?”
The re-reboot that nobody asked for! The crew of the Jupiter 2 crash on an alien planet. There is blather and waffle and flashbacks to a near Earth object. They can breathe the air on the alien planet. The kids are snotty and the mother is a stupid whiner. This has some basic competence. There is no brutal reckoning and nobody is a determined supporter of the father.
People act against common sense. This is not an absolute stinker. They were en route to a colony. There is prim moral order and catastrophe is inevitable. The mother is deliberately disagreeable as are the kids. There are grim encounters.
There are terrible things and awful fates and properly horrid kids. This could be unintelligible at times and it had unlovely expository dialogue. There is mischievousness, excessive self pity, illogical ecology and this was not bitterly comic.
There is flirting between past and present and no psychological insights. There was no thinky tones. This was mundane and there are grim thoughts, latent urges, curiously wooden acting and the script is heavy with exposition. This was airless with no emotional beats and it was not psychologically astute. Will Robinson was turned down for the colony ship but the mother did something bad to get him on. The Robinsons were in the 24th colonist group?
There are grim thoughts, this was less watchable and there is angst. They crashed because of a robot/alien? The mother whines with wanton impunity. The mother was going to take the children to a colony without John. She's on a shady moral path. She deserves to be looked on with malice. The mother is unwilling to shoulder responsibility for anything.
The robot doesn't speak or utter its infamous catchphrase. There is no deep seated anxiety about being stranded on an alien planet. This was inconsequential and the mother is smug and disrespectful and spreads discord. There is serious disorder and the mother is visibly irked. She's also unhelpful. This was unimaginative.
The mother spurns opportunities and is nothing if not self righteous. People have hostile responses. The Resolute colony ship was brought down by the robot/alien. Was it destroyed? The original Will Robinson Bill Mumy has a cameo in this as the doomed Dr Z Smith who has his jacket stolen by Parker Posey. She also takes his ID and ship. Poor Dr Smith was robbed and left to die.
Who are the snotty pair who take up with Posey? What was the ship sucked into? The original theme song plays over the end credits. This was directed by Neil Marshall and starred Toby Stephens as John.
“Are you sure this is the best idea?”
“Made it where?”
“Is that our hedge?”
“Could be worse.”
“This is not mom, this is steak.”
“Cut all the way down.”
“Cut until you see the steak.”
“Things that eat those things.”
Where's Nick? June is the flying Handmaid. Why hasn't June been reassigned to a new Commander? Why would the other Handmaids look up to June?!?!? A Martha shouts. June is rude and needs a slap. June tries to take over the Commander's house. Oh FFS! Nobody notices anything? Serena Joy works with the ICC. But Fred ruins Serena Joy's plea agreement. The first scene rips off the movie. Serena Joy is arrested for how Nick and June conceived their child. I thought Canada considered Nick a war criminal? The Ceremony is described as a religious ritual. This is so damned dark I have no idea what is happening! Of course Moira and one of the children's parents are there when the plane lands in Canada. As if Gilead would let that plane full of Gilead children out of Gilead airspace. Emily shows up. Yawn.