Dark Shadows (2012)
The cult 1960s daytime soap spawned the 1991 soap and this flop. Johnny Depp does a silly voice, silly makeup and silly outfits. In the town of Collinsport, there is Collinwood house and exposition. There is Widows Hill and this is gothic looking if nothing else.
Depp does a hilarious swandive onto some rocks. Why is he crying blood? Depp's made into a vampire by a witch (Eva Green). Oh FFS. A mob with torches and pitchforks show up. There is revenge and now it is 1972. Tim Burton made this. A weirdo woman comes looking for a governess job. Her name is Maggie but she changes it to Victoria.
Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Jackie Earle Haley, Jonny Lee Miller and Chloe Grace Moretz co star. There are hippies, a fishing port, Alice Cooper and a family not on the acceptable side of eccentric. There is no jeopardy and the small town has created an isolationism among many residents.
There is a pumpkin patch in the grounds of the big fancy house and ruined cars. Later on they're gone. Who cleared away the pumpkin patch? There is no mortal dread. There is a pus coloured shag carpet. There is no mysticism of evil. A slutty teen and a twit named Roger hang out mooching. There are disturbing rites and no deliciously enticing darkness.
A doctor named Julia is useless. There is a creepy son. This was not wickedly compelling. This was not foreboding or macabre or oddly compelling. A ghost lurks. The vampire is dug up and kills people. The vampire goes home and bosses his family around. The big fancy house is like a pimped out version of Hearst Castle. There is mumbling about a family curse and a fancy secret fireplace.
Eva Green and her terrible bleach job lurks. Elizabeth faces off with Angelique. Christopher Lee makes a cameo. The plot revolves around canning. Sunlight burns the vampire and then it doesn't. Angelique swans around in a very nice red sequin dress, there is a big fight scene, big reveals and a ridic ending. Stick with the 1991 soap.
“Suffered my anguish alone in the dark.”
“Babysit the loony.”
“About as useful as a bucket without a bottom.”
“Freshly hurled chamber pots.”
“Fear me not drunkard.”
“Put those birthing hips to good use.”
“People I loved, haven't always loved me back.”
“Fire! Murder! Angry mob! Run!”
Black Widow (2008)
The 1980s classic has been remade with Elizabeth Berkley and Alicia Coppola. Alicia is the dogged best friend who wants to save her idiot man candy from Elizabeth's vagenda. There is no subtlety. Alicia is change-adverse. Alicia seems socially clueless and there is a gleeful dismissal of sense. There are ridiculous decisions and this has no psychotic invention. This was silly and the ending is stupid beyond words. Alicia wants the useless man candy after he turned on her for vagenda.
“Fighting with a homeless man?”
The Girl On The Train (2016)
This is the absolute worst with grim determination. Yes the heroine's ex is a violent maniac loser.
Fast & Furious 8 (2017)
A baddie with white girl dreads makes Dom go bad. Wasn't he already bad? Hobbs ends up in jail. Wasn't he in law enforcement?!? Kurt Russell and Scott Eastwood join the bloated cast. Hobbs has a child? There is a lurking undertone of criminality and a constant condemnation of sense.
Hobbs ends up in jail with Shaw. Dom growls. The baddie with white girl dreads has poorly concealed satisfaction and will do anything, no matter how heinous; for reasons. This was dire. Fandom projects characterisation onto these characters.
This was intolerable. What is the ongoing fascination with this franchise? An EMP has been stolen. Who is the baddie's hostage? Dom has a son? A submarine is to be stolen? Helen Mirren plays Shaw's mother! The baddie gets away, for the sequel. Jason Statham is a goodie now? Dwyane Johnson does some really shoddy acting. Michelle Rodriguez, Luke Ebans and Charlize Theron all feature to greater or lesser degrees.
“Betray your brothers. Abandon your code and shatter your family.”
“All show and no gob.”
“It wasn't me that was thrown out of a 4-storey window!”
“God's Eye active.”
“I think that tight t-shirt's cutting off the circulation to your brain!”
“Crocodile at the watering hole.”