epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Baywatch + Widow On The Hill + The Furies + Supersonic

Baywatch (2017)

Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efton star in this alleged comedy which is based on the tv show. There is a lot of slow motion and Priyanka Chopra of 'Quantico' is the baddie. Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff cameo. Eli Roth co-produced this?!? Lifeguards run around in porno looking swimsuits. This faced hyper criticism. There are mock heroic types. Matt Brody (Efron) is an Olympic hero with intellectual differences with Mitch (Johnson).

There is no hidden significance. Mitch delivers his lines with varying degrees of intensity. Matt is the nastiest, meanest, pettiest tool who makes incautious life choices. There is no sincerity or purpose. One wants Matt gone. The dominant narrative is sex jokes, gay jokes, fat jokes and the male gaze. The Olympic doofus Matt is shoe-horned onto the lifeguard team.

Drugs are being dealt. This was not demanding. The drug dealer is coercive. This does not go down well. The drug dealer wreaks havoc. There is shirtlessness, dune buggies, mortal danger and people are intensely loyal to Mitch. Matt has poisonous practices. Mitch expresses his distain for Matt. This was not emotionally challenging or gratifying. Matt is an idiot in need of love. There is bad and really obvious vfx.

Matt is never content to be ignored. There is narrative superfluity. Matt feels excluded from the general gaiety. There is no emotional core. Mitch has deeply held convictions. There are troubling undercurrents in the bay. Matt is desperate to rise in Mitch's estimation. There is sexism. This does not leave one impressed. This doesn't come to anything. Mitch mocks Matt.

There is bunny wallpaper, outtakes during the end credits, an idiot cop, bad plastic surgery on the old cast mates and this was incoherent.

Best Lines:

“Bigger and browner.”

“Grown man wears spandex to work.”

“Damn county lifeguard.”

“Where you from One Direction?”

“Cocky pretty boys.”

“Lifeguard hazing.”

“Dead serious N'Sync.”

“You don't need to look down there.”

“Vomited in the pool.”

“Bath salts on meth.”

“Running in slo-mo?”

“You see it to?”

“High School Musical.”

“Poolboy zero.”

“I'm not a Bond villain. Yet.”

“Snapchatting a dick pick or two.”

“Make sure swim happy white people don't drown.”

“Blue eyed demon.”

“Give you big boy pants to wear.”

“Sand grifters are beach thieves.”

“Far fetched tv show.”

“Why do our suits ride so far up our asses?”

“Shirt come in big boy size?”

“Malibu Ken.”

“Necrotic liquid fat.”

“Going night night bitch.”

“How far have you fallen?”


“So stupid and flawed.”

Widow On The Hill (2005)

This true story stars Natasha Henstridge and James Brolin. A nurse is supected of murder by her stepdaughters. The nurse's name in reality is Donna, here her name is changed to Linda. Linda is a nurse to Brolin's dying wife who dies and Brolin dates Linda and gives her his dead wife's fur coat. Brolin's daughters hate Linda. Brolin dies and there are accusations and greed. 'Linda' was acquitted of murdering her husband but served with a civil lawsuit by her stepdaughters. It's unclear. Was she a golddigger and a murderer? Who knows? This was dull.

The Furies (1950)

Barbara Stanwyck stars in this western melodrama. A rancher's daughter has creepy vibes with her father. She does malice and harm when a potential stepmother shows up. The gold digging stepmother wannabe gets scissors to the face. There is gun violence, death and this was melodramatic tosh.

Best Lines:

“Man gets lonely.”

“You taint the place!”

Supersonic (2016)

This dull Oasis documentary is full of drugs, smugness, fights, violence and stupid decision making.

Tags: movie review, quantico

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