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Movie Reviews: SirArthurConanDoyle'sSherlockHolmes+The Dinosaur Project+RobinsonCrusoeOnMars+1 more

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes (2010)

Dominic Keating of 'Star Trek: Enterprise' and the talentless Gareth David-Lloyd of 'Torchwood' star in this horrible horrible horrible film. Dr Watson is alive in the 1940s and tells a woman a tale of secret plots and secret intentions and madcap japes that took place in the 1880s. I assume Holmes is long-dead and little mourned.

This is from the mob that made 'Z Nation'. The 'Torchwood' burk and his bad wig plays young Watson. Holmes is played by some nobody with a bad wig. Dinosaurs run around and a woman with evil eye makeup and sausage curls lurks. Keating is in a metal suit and calls Holmes brother and he also seems to call Holmes, Robert. WTF?

There is bad acting and this causes no mad delight. This movie is catastrophically wrong and is made with callous incompetence. This movie brings nothing to your life. Old Watson dies. This movie causes widespread indifference. Who knew a tale of Holmes and Watson v a ruinous sociopath could be so boring and unwatchable?

Best Lines:

“Who is he?”

“Some very strange occurances.”

“Under most mysterious cirumstances.”

The Dinosaur Project (2012)

A British cryptozoological society team vanish in the Congo in this found footage film. They're looking for the Mokele Mbembe. This was infuriating and not endlessly dangerous. A snotty teen is comfortable with confronation. It is extremely difficult to like these characters. There is bad acting, a lack of caring, a lack of thinking and giant logic holes. This was utter incoherence.

Best Lines:

“Shy dinosaurs.”

“Their once impenetrable jungle.”

“Whose existence is as yet unproven.”

“Thanks to your mother, yes!”

“You were never meant to come here!”

“Go where we have no right to be.”

Robinson Crusoe On Mars (1964)

Did the self-published author of 'The Martian' see this? Adam West, some other guy and a monkey go to Mars. They crash and act with complete conviction. The other guy and his monkey are the lone survivors pitted against all the odds beyond the Earth. There are air pills and this was ludicrously inefficent. The dude and his monkey can breathe on Mars without their space suits, there is no mention of the radiation or the gravity difference.

There is also coal on Mars and he can make a fire. FFS. He talks to himself about a morale officer. There is no dark mindset just harmful choices by the tryhard idiot. There is no dramatic tension. There is water on Mars as well as sausages and heated rocks that enable him to breathe. This was seriously flawed. The dude is a desperate man with no other options, the monkey is a disposable commodity.

A UFO shows up and he encounters his Man Friday. Cue 'funny' eccentric behaviour. The aliens are deemed enemies. The monkey gets undue attention. Friday is patronised and he's from Orion, which is a blue supergiant. This was all inherent frustrations and silliness. This is a social calamity. The dude is burdened with heroic purpose. This was a spectacular miscalulation with dated VFX and really fake snow. They're rescued.

Best Lines:

“What's been done before can be done again.”

“Banana paste.”

“Father of the universe.”

“As interesting as a common brick.”

“Martian food!”

“Guys in Survival.”

“Interplanetary vehicle."

“You can make English sounds!”

The Freshman (1990)

Marlon Brando and Matthew Broderick and the never-to-be famous Penelope Ann Miller star in this spoof of 'The Godfather'. Brando hated this shockingly forgettable film. For reasons passing understanding one cannot understand a word Brando mumbles. 'The Godfather 2' is watched in film class. There's a big lizard and the FBI and this was all hilarious ineffectiveness. This was clumsy and unconvincing

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