epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Evidence+Unrest+He's Out There+The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane+ 8 others

Evidence (2013)

Stephen Moyer of 'Ultraviolet' and 'True Blood' stars alongside Radha Mitchell. The cops look at recovered camera footage to see what happened after a massacre at an old abandoned truck stop. People disappeared from their own lives. This is from the director of 'The Fourth Kind'. Harry Lennix and Caitlin Stasey co-star. A bus crashed and vengeful and malicious killers were excited by their own sadism.

This was absurdly bad faux-noir. Who inflicted horrible pain on the whiners? Who stews in poisonous rage? Emotionless and grim people face excessive violence and there is a twist. This was bad.

Unrest (2017)

This is a ridiclious documentary about ME. It is out of focus mainipulation by the 'director' Jennifer. Why is she lying on the floor? This is deeply questionable. Why are the phd student and her husband filming this? She lies on the steps and talks about her 'health issues'. She cries but there are no tears. Is she on drugs? Does she have mental health issues? Why doesn't her husband help her when she's crawling up the steps and around on the floor on her hands and knees whilst grinning like a loon?

Who is paying for her treatment and boxes of pills? She dismisses being diagnoised with conversion disorder and is not getting any therapy. If she's bedridden, where are her bedsores? She claims to have ME/CFS. There is chilling distain and ignorance of sense. Jennifer seems to have learned helplessness and has weaponised said helplessness. Jennifer is filled with fantasies of her own persecution. She talks about killing herself, but that would necessitate getting off her ass.

This was flat and ineffectual. People moan about their dark path to ruin, but are strangely alienated from audience sympathy. Their claims aren't persuasive. Jennifer talks (online) to Jessica in the UK. Jessica wears sunglasses and earmuffs and has to be carried around in a stretcher and has the bones of a 100 year old. Jessica looks anorexic and if she lies in bed for years, how does she go to the bathroom? Jennifer annoys.

People babble about strange viruses and the CDC. Patients seem intent on self-sabotage and find life insurmountably difficult. Jennifer and fellow ME 'sufferers' love ascribing bad faith to medical professionals. Is ME even a real disease? Jennifer gets 'medicine' and then lies on the ground and then fake cries on the ground. Jennifer and her ME clan claim to be a marginalised community. Who is paying for their wifi? They are contrarions. Jennifer's husband sprays stuff on her head. Jennifer's husband Omar used to be on tv and hang out with Oprah.

Now he tends to the wailing whining Jennifer. Why doesn't the faker have a shower? A man waves a gun near children. People are going wrong. A mother and daughter claim to have ME. Jennifer claims 80% of autoimmune disease sufferers are women. In Denmark, an ME 'sufferer' was taken from her enabling parents. Random unrelated images pop up.

Jennifer takes massive amounts of pills, juices, injections and she eats bonemarrow. She huffs gas and people babble about mould. Omar starts cracking up. Jennifer starts living in a tent in the garden and draws a huge list on a wall. We see a man named Whitney who is fed via IV and who does not speak or allow people to speak to him. He wears ear muffs and keeps his eyes cleod all the time. He has his family fawning all over him and waiting on him hand and foot. There is a massive hole in his bedroom wall and this is not explained. Nor is his obvious mental illness or eating disorder explained.

In Denmark, a man named Per Fink is mocked. There is a cat, Jessica has hydrothearpy and life goes on and this does not make you reflective.

Best Lines:

“Yuppie flu.”

“Plateau of funciton.”

“Lost so much.”

“Remained in hospital for four years. Constantly.”

“Frustrated at me.”


“This is normal for us.”

“Don't have any friends now. They're gone.”

“As old as written history.”

“No discoverable basis.”

“Crash point.”

“Telling you no for the stupidest reasons.”

“Made choices that I regret.”

“Dinosaur food.”

“Self administered hookworm.”

“That's scary to me.”

“It's a little maddening.”

“Mould avoidance.”

“Watching my life disappear.”

“Watching the world just pass.”

He's Out There (2018)

Annoying kids ruin this movie. A mother (Yvonne Strahovski of 'Chuck' and 'The Handmaid's Tale') drives her SUV at 2mph to a summer house. There is way over the top delivery. A handyman lurks. When this slump comes, it comes fast and hard. The husband and father is elsewhere. Why does she leave her phone in the car? Why does she not impose discpline on her brats? A stupid baddie lurks and can the woman and her awful kids dodge the inevitable? There is a sequel hook. This was a disastrous dire failure.

The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (1976)

Jodie Foster and Martin Sheen star in this inept dull film. A perv (Sheen) and his mother bully and bother a girl (Foster). The girl, Rynn, has a grim existence. This was dumb.

Best Lines:

“Don't care for your tone any better today.”

“Creep son.”

Root Cause (2018)

This is a documentary about the evils of root canals. There are bad re-enactments as a man blames his 'health issues' on root canals. He did ridiclious alternative therapies and refused in any manner to use sense. I just hated this.

Best Line:

“Parasite cleanse.”

Assumed Killer (2013)

Casper Van Dien, Armand Assante and Eric Roberts star in this serial killer drama. A rich family have drama, a reporter has a car crash leading to a coma and amnesia and bad acting. The reporter becomes convinced Van Dien is a serial killer. This was overly serious and hopelessly muddled and uncomplicated by nuance or sound creative decisions.

Best Lines:

“Anxiety provoking.”

“Are we famous or just rich?”

“Verbal contact.”

Flirting With Danger (2006)

Charisma Carpenter stars alongside showkiller Karen Cliche. A man obsesses over a femme fatale and faxes and shrieks accusations at women. This is a crap 'Black Widow' ripoff.

Best Line:

“Stop by unannounced at midnight.”

Shark Lake (2015)

Dolph Lundgren stars. A cop has stolen his kid and there is a shark in a lake. The cop acts so far beyond legality it is a joke. This was overdramatised.

The Nun's Story (1959)


The Eighteenth Angel (1997)

The crow flies, the clock strikes and the devil is due.

This TV movie penned by the author of 'The Omen' is another ripoff of that tale. It centres on American teenager, Lucy (played by the angelic looking Rachel Leigh Cook) who after losing her mother and being told her cat has to be put down is sent off to Rome to become a model. Of course, nefarious deeds are at work. A group of Satanists (including a very cute stable boy) lead by a deranged priest are gathering 18 angels for some Byzantine plot involving faceless rats, human blanks and a gorgeous but ominous medieval clock.

In medieval times a man designed a clock that will foretell the return of Satan to Earth. He then died after an ominous wind blew open a window (a staple demonstration of nefarious satanic deeds in this type of movie) Anyway the deranged priest has also enlisted a genetic expert who was denounced for wanting to clone humans. Apparently it has been foretold that when humans get the ability to recreate themselves they will no longer need God. And there is a prophecy that Satan will walk the Earth wearing a beautiful face. This is all very complicated.

Satan cannot just walk the Earth, so he must choose one of the 18 angels to possess and then he will be able to walk the Earth wearing a beautiful face and create his demonic kingdom. Lucy, her horrible control-freak uptight father (Christopher McDonald) and their poor doomed cat Mozzie are in Italy. The film has a very stylish look, with black and white interludes, the lovely Italian scenery and nice music. The style and the plot mixing science and the supernatural imply a nice sense of impending menace. However there is one, gaping, horrible flaw in this film and that is Christopher McDonald. His acting is bottom-of-the-barrel bad.

Very strange things happen: the weird maid comes to a bad end, stable-boy kills someone just by walking toward them in a menacing fashion and Lucy has a nasty accident. Crazy Dad battles satanic stable-boy one on one and wins. There is a huge fire and Lucy is saved. There is lots of running around and screaming. Crazy Dad hugs his beloved Lucy (that name!) as she stares and smirks. This was silly.

Battle Royale (2000)
A bizarre and dark Japanese film set in a futuristic dystopia. With rising crime and unruly youth on the rampage, the government has passed the BR act. A random lottery selects a school class who are then transported to a 10 mile deserted island, given weapons and given three days to play a survival game in which they must kill each other until only one of them is left alive. Then that one person will be allowed to return to society.

This is a bleak film, 'Lord of the Flies' has nothing on this lot. Some students won't take part in the game and kill themselves, others turn on their classmates with savagery and others give into paranoia and attack each other. So we get a crazed girl stabbing a classmate to death with a switchblade in a frenzy after he threatens her with a crossbow, five girls who banded together to live give into paranoia and gun each other down in rivers of blood and another student stalking around coldly with a scythe.

Meanwhile two boys and a girl stick together hoping to somehow cheat the game unaware that while their classmates are now a threat that a bigger threat lies in their former teacher. He is overseeing their game and lovingly reads out casualty lists over loudspeakers every four hours and chides them for slacking off when the death rate is low.

This is bleak, dark stuff and definitely not for all tastes - in fact some people may feel they'll go to hell for just watching it but once you start watching it, you just can't stop.

The Cover Girl Murders (1993)
There are bad movies, there are inept movies and then there are movies like this. This is a truly horrendous TV movie starring the really embarrassed Lee Majors, Beverly Johnson, Adrian Paul and Vanessa Angel. A group of models (including Angel and Johnson), their photographer (Paul), the sleazoid magazine owner (Majors), his sidekick, the art director and a perverted janitor are on a tiny remote island shooting swimsuit pictures.

Anyway after a nasty dream sequence, a lot of expositionary dialogue, a hell of a lot of travelling footage and lots of slow-motion scenes of the models bounding around in the surf, the action finally begins.

A model drives her Jet Ski into some rocks causing a really pathetic explosion while all the untalented actors try to look sad. Later another model jumps off a cliff. Then comes the classic cast suspicion on the perverted janitor scene. Then Majors manages to persuade everyone to stay and keep taking pictures of scantily clad models even as the cast list continues to be trimmed.

Paul doesn't even try to act. Johnson (a real-life model) looks ashamed to even be in this film, Angel (best known for loosing the role of Xena: Warrior Princess after catching the flu) displays no talent whatsoever.

The radio gets smashed, another model blows up, another model falls into a lagoon, Majors acts sleazily, the photographer blows up, the boat is destroyed, the janitor vanishes and finally there are only 4, no 3, no 2 people left. Even 'Baywatch' wouldn't use this plot. It's too bad, even for them.

This film has what has to be the most stupid, illogical, pathetic, implausible and impossible twist endings ever. In fact don't even call it a twist call it desperation as the writers obviously had no idea how to end this piece of trash.
Tags: buffy the vampire slayer, chuck, handmaids tale, movie review, reign, true blood, ultraviolet

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