epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Zombeavers+The President's Mistress+Dismissed+Fyre+In God's Country+ 4 others

Zombeavers (2014)

2 idiots cause a toxic waste spill that creates undead zombie beavers. Rex Linn is in this and it has an amusing animated opening and mumbling by 3 irritating young women. One takes her top off and acts like Rose McGowan and goes to investigate the scary noise. Various idiot boys and beaver puppets show up. The bitchy Rose McGowan type slut who ruined her friend's getaway also reveals who slept with her friend's boyfriend. A toxic boy tosses a dog to be eaten by the undead beavers. There is gore and the boyfriend thief is a dumb slut. Of them all, the Rose McGowan one is the final girl. Boo. This was okay silliness; you'll be damned!

Best Lines:

“Why are there no street lights?”

“Cos there are no streets!”

The President's Mistress (1978)

Beau Bridges, Susan Blanchard, Larry Hagman, Gail Strickland and Biff Yeager star in this tv movie. A dude (Bridges) who fanices himself a ladies man player harasses a woman on a plane into going home with him and getting it on. His sister is the mistress of the POTUS and is alleged to be a Soviet spy. The CSA plot. What is the CSA? The mistress is murdered.

There is bad acting, manic desperation, lies, manipulative violent psycopaths and this goes disastrously wrong. People do things for nonesensical reasons. Then it just ends.

Best Lines:

“Your basic neighbourhood weirdo.”

“They're always married.”

“She hit me!”

“I like her.”

“He's calling from the yacht.”

“We don't have accidents! We plan accidents!”

Dismissed (2017)

A caring teacher with stupid apathetic students gets a bright dedicated student, Lucas, who turns out to be a grade grubbing nutter. This low-budget film is unwanted and unheeded. This was not terrifying. The teacher's resilience and confidence and capacity to flourish are destroyed by Lucas' terrible feats. Lucas has no moral, intellectual or social education. Lucas thought life was set for him, but he is not as smart as he thinks he is.

Lucas (Dylan Sprouse, not the 'Riverdale' one) is secretly grotesque and there is domestic dysfunction. This is straight out of the 1990s. You don't care about Lucas impugining the teacher, pushing a bimbo off a roof and being despicable and deluded and full of unwise desires. Lucas is aggressive, nefarious and into purposeful humilation, negatively focusing on the teacher and he's confrontational. I outright despised this and didn't care about Lucas' pitiful fate.

Best Lines:

“How close you two weren't.”

“He's threatening me. Literally.”

Fyre: The Greatest Party That Never Happened (2019)

A con artist claims to be planning a music festival on an island. The festival turns into chaos. Things were overpromised. The schemer is fairly pathetic and he is a meddler and opportunist as well. He knew no morality or rules. Spoiled wastrels want to party at the festival and whine online when it is a disaster. Cons with RFID braclets were planned. Various people look booze and drug glazed.

Nobody has shame. The festival was an unrelenting ordeal. People have rancour and dissipation. Talk of the festival was spread by word of mouth. TPTB do not craft epiphanies or heighted moments. Stupid snowflakes whine and shrug off blame. Fyre was a major failure. There is monstrous arrogance, people acted in incomprehensible ways and this was a particularly interesting work of drama and character.

People did not vigorously engage with logic, people had dubious ethics and wearisome machismo and unswerving self seriousness and blind trust which lead to chaos and an air of desperation and credit card debt and legal trouble. Various ill-fated nitwits whine, preening lunkheads do feats of idiocy and general inarticulate rambling. The whole festival planning was without any shape or formulae as it was a con.

This was a tawdry soap opera populated by sexual wantonness and people prone to rash someotimes disastrous decisions. They were tactless and petulant and artless and boring and depressing and nobody cares about the locals who were exploited and left out of pocket. Fyre was particularly bizare and justifably ridiculed. Ja Rule was involved but vanishes halfway through the documentary. Influencers are delusional poeple with no peace or dignity. This was good.

Best Lines:

“Flaunting the wealth that he stole.”

“Do not lie. Again.”

“Newest cool credit card.”

“No experience in doing events.”

“Music festival conference.”

“Flying v fromation.”

“Scratch the pigs now.”

“Creative mind.”

“Why aren't these people tagging us?”

“Sold 95% of their tickets.”

“Cultural experience of the decade.”

“It was so terrible.”

“Leftover hurricane tents.”

“Would not take advice.”

“Bio-waste standpoint.”

“We will come after you.”

“Outright told me to be dishonest.”

“Just started laughing.”

“38 million?”

“Tint of resentment.”

“Festival insurance.”

“Angry mob of locals.”

“We will come after you.”

“Hid behind a urinal.”

In God's Country (2007)

Richard Burgi stars as a Mormon cultist and Peter Outerbridge is a cop. A woman has scaped a Mormon cult and finds it hard on the outside. She tells the men they suck and saves her daughter from having to marry her stepfather. Then it ends. No.

The Wrong House (2016)

Clare Kramer stars. A family buy a house and a would be buyer who didn't get it stalks them and frames them for sex crimes and affairs. The wife goes hysterical and can't act. This was STUPID.

Magic Moments (1989)

In this UK set drama, John Shea plays a stage magician who falls for Jenny Seagrove his producer and acts creepy to woo her. She wails. Shea does bog-standard magic and wears a shiny white suit straight out of 1973 and it drags on and on and on and on and on and on. This has wearying familiarity. Seagrove's adoptive father's dire actions are excused because he wants to shag her. WTF was this? This was catastrophic.

Alien Nation: Millennium (1996)

This is the 3rd tv movie based on the cancelled tv show. After the 5th the tv movies stopped for no clear reason. Brian Markinson, Susan Diol, David Faustino, Jason Behr of 'Roswell' and Kerrie Keane appear in this. A Newcomer (Keane) runs a Y2K cult and has a powerful piece of Newcomer tech: a magic box. No really, a magic box.

It's 1999 (in show) and 7 years since the ship made a forced landing. The opening credits show a movie theatre showing 'Rambo 6' which was meant as a joke in the 90s but there really will be a 'Rambo 6'.

Buck whines about his aloneness and has obsessive enmity toward everyone. Every Buck plot is unwavering drivel because he has an inability to be reasoned with. Buck whines about not belonging on the planet Earth. He was born on a slave ship! Does he want to go back? The novels hinted he was trained to be an Overseer. In his view, Buck is always the victim in any perceived grievance. This was seriously silly. Matt gets burrito all over him. One feels utter distain and contempt for Buck. Geroge oohs over a touch screen PC. Matt has another new haircut.

One feels utter distain and contempt for Buck. Matt rants about afferminative action. Is that Jill talking to Emily? Yes it is. Randy (Behr) flirts with Emily because he's a sleaze. This was sadly devoid of tension or drama. Emily plays a synth. How do Newcomers have credit cards? Johnny Cochrane does tv shows in this 1999. Where's Vessna? There is a joke about the show's cancellation. Tori Spelling is a Fox news anchor in this 1999. Best joke ever!

Exposition is spewed. People act like the internet is some bizarre new thing. There is dated tech and Matt wears a LOUD tie. What's a midi chip 2000? Newcomer are named Al Fresco, Vincent Van Gough and Polly Wanakracker. Emily beats up Randy. Matt threatens to strangle someone with a phone cord and talks about a Power Ranger millennium reunion. The ending is a VFX mess.

Best Lines:

“Final week of the 20th century.”

“First it was bar codes and now everything has turned low fat!”

“Low viewer interest.”

“Did you really fall off a building today?”

“He's so brooding and troubled.”

“Latest in his string of confused anti-social behaviour.”

The Village (2004)

Folk horror with a twist.

Buried Alive II (1997)

“If it rained brains, you wouldn't get wet!”

Tags: movie review, scary 1970s tv

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