(Shot of a smug young man dressed in a suit and tie. He is trying for the JFK Jnr look and not pulling it off)
(Caption: Jonathan, Survivor)
Jonathan: I survived the terrible events at the Sunnydale High class of 99 graduation. But I also survived much worse. Much much much worse! (Lowers voice to a whisper) That filthy Willow creature dangled her perversion in front of me! She took off her clothes and tried to entice me into filth and sin and she wanted me to touch her nakedness! (Raises voice to a shout) But I was strong! I was able to resist her evil! She burns in hell now. Thank you, if you want to know more you can read my book 'A Survivor's Tale' in all good bookstores now.
(Shot of a dark eyed young woman in an expensive designer suit)
(Caption: Faith McDonald, Senior Partner at Wolfram and Hart)
Int: You were in Sunnydale in 1999?
Faith: Yes. I ran away from a drunken mother and ended up there. Worse than anything back home. Mr Giles took me in, promised me a bed, food and no trying to cop a feel. Liar. He introduced me to them. Wackjobs.
Int: Did you know Buffy?
Faith: No. She was there but she wasn't. Brain fried. Seriously.
Int: What do you know of Valta?
Faith: Mr Giles told me all about it. He made me some tea. Drugged like duh and I'm half-asleep and he's taking my clothes off and I'm thinking, oh crap but that wasn't what he had in mind. He didn't like girls that way see, now him and Xander. Oh I could tell you stories but that's for later. Anyway he takes all my clothes off and dumps me face down on the throw rug on the floor. Then he takes out this pot of paint and a brush and starts painting on me. He started on the soles of my feet and worked his way up to my neck. Took him hours. It was all this teeny-tiny calligraphy. And as he's painting away he's babbling on and on about Valta. It was according to Mr Giles, a hell dimension.
Int: A hell dimension?
Faith: Yeah another dimension, like Star Trek okay? He believed it. They did too. Hell he had me believing it for all of 5 minutes. Anyway this Valta borders our world but a barrier keeps it out. But in some places the barrier is worn thin. And evil things from Valta can get into our world. According to him the Sunnydale High principle Snyder was from Valta. There was a lot more about how we were the chosen few to battle the coming end of the world stuff and how we would ascend and fight the evil ones.
Int: What did you do after this?
Faith: Passed out. Woke up. Took a shower, the crap wouldn't come off. Tried washing up liquid, sandpaper, bleach, nothing. It's still there! I live in LA and can't go to the beach.
Int: You testified at the trials.
Faith: Show trials. No way where they getting off. Hell moving the venue to didn't help them. Everybody knew them. Willow's jury deliberated for 8 minutes. Xander only escaped the death sentence cos the jury foreman thought he'd been seduced into corruption by Mr Giles. They had some Language expert from Yale or someplace look at my body art (laughs wildly) They can't ID the language. They think Mr Giles invented it.
Int: What do you think?
Faith: He said it was the language of Valta.
Int: Why did you stay?
Faith: School librarian likes painting drugged teen runaways? Sleeps with a student? Has some blonde stoner sleeping on his sofa? Has Willow coming back with hacked up deer parts to brew things on the stove because she thinks she is a witch? I wanted out man, but Mr Giles said anyone who left was a traitor and would die a traitor's death. Loony tunes. But they meant it. I played along. Then Mr Giles comes to me and says our sacred duty is to have the pure blood and he tells me to sleep with Oz.
Int: Oz aka Daniel Osbourne.
Faith: Yep. Says we have to make a holy baby whose pure blood will shut the doorway to Valta for good.
Int: So what did you do?
Faith: Do? Willow comes with a fawn she sliced up. And makes me eat a chunk of it. Raw. Dead. Fawn. Then she paints me in its blood and chants at me. Then Oz shows up and she does the same to him. Then the nutters wait outside so we can get it on.
Int: Did you?
Faith: Willow had a knife. A big sharp knife. It was pretty clear; Oz was going to do me one way or the other. So yeah, I let him. Took 3 minutes tops. Then they troop back in and I have to lie there naked with my legs propped up on a stack of cushions to give his little Oz's a better chance of swimming upstream. Willow sat there all night staring at me and chanting. Oz left. He was so gone. Drugs. Lots of them.
Int: And Cordelia Chase?
Faith: Willow hated her. Chase was rich, pretty and popular. So Willow said the signs told her Chase was a possible bearer so Mr Giles sent Oz out. Oz came back with her. He jumped her in the parking lot after some school dance. He knocked her cold, dumped her on the ground and then Mr Giles started shrieking.
Faith: Buffy'd gone into labour.
Int: What happened?
Faith: I don't wanna be telling this story.
Int: Buffy gave birth to Baby S that night.
Faith: (weeps) Yes. It was real quick, the baby's coming out and none of us know what to do. Willow's like screaming cos she wanted to hold Chase down while she got done but Buffy's all glass-eyed and this baby is coming out and its real quiet and Xander was shrieking that it was dead. Then Chase woke up and started screaming. Xander tried to grab her but she kicked him the nuts and Willow slapped her. Mr Giles was yelling at me but I ran into the kitchen and blocked my ears. Mr Giles kept screaming after me that I was a sacred vessel.
Int: Were you pregnant?
Faith: No, but they thought I was and so did I.
Faith: I heard screaming. Lots of screaming.
Faith: Then I realised no-one was watching me. So I opened the kitchen window, climbed out and ran. I ran out of town and flagged down a trucker. He dropped me off in LA and I ended up at a runaway teen shelter.
Int: Did you tell anyone?
Faith: I locked myself in a bathroom for 4 weeks. They pushed pizza and baggies of water under the door. My period came and then I unlocked the door. By then the story was breaking about what they pulled at graduation.
Int: Who killed Cordelia?
Faith: Hell if I know.
(Shot of Anya)
Anya: The baby was cold inside me.
Int: Did you hear Ms McDonald's testimony?
Int: Do you believe her?
Anya: They had her drugged. When the cops hauled her in and did a tox screen, she still had massive amounts of drugs in her blood. Unknown weird crap that Willow-bitch invented. Xander told me that Valta was, but I don't want to be telling this story.
Anya: My lawyer is right there. Tell them to stop.
(Raised voices off camera)
Anya: You don't know me! You don't know me!
(A child's voice is heard off screen)
Int: What in the hell?
Anya: GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM! NOW! RIGHT NOW! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! OUT! OUT! OUT!
(Caption: Interview terminated. Current whereabouts of Anya are unknown)
(Shot of a dark haired woman sitting in an office with a photograph of Edgar J Hoover on the wall)
(Caption: One-time Undercover agent. Code name - Jenny Calendar)
Calendar: Everything you know is wrong.
A commercial comes on. It is for car tires.