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Movie Reviews: Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond+Dumplin'+Escape Room+The Night Eats The World+ 5 more

Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond (2017)

Watching this glorified making of 'Man In The Moon' documentary is like watching a nervous breakdown. People are unamused by method acting and so am I.

Best Lines:

“I'm the reason for Hulk Hogan.”

“Spot a stuntman a mile away.”

Dumplin' (2018)

Jennifer Aniston stars in this tiresome comedy. The stupidly named Willowdean is the daughter of a beauty queen (Aniston) and does not look like one herself. There is idiot dialogue, hicks, Dolly Parton music, Bex Taylor-Klaus of 'Scream' and 'Arrow' and Willowdean does not wear a seat-belt. This was of minimal significance. Where is Willowdean's father? This was not inclusive or reflective. If Willowdean and her mommy are poor, how do they live in a nice house and have 2 shiny cars to drive around?

Why did Willowdean's aunt raise her? Willowdean signs up for the beauty contest her mother does every year. Her mother, Rosie, has Ivana Trump hair. Willowdean aims to sabotage the Miss Teen Bluebonnet conest. Willowdean annoys and alienates her BFF. People visit a drag bar. There is no serious reflection in this heinous, grossly detrimental film which adversely impacts your IQ. There is no constructive dialogue.

The 'talent' section is played for comedy. Willowdean and her friends are mentored by drag queens. There is beauty queen bollocks and sap. Rosie dries her tears with a hairdryer. Willowdean does not outshine her mother.

Best Lines:

“Hi whale!”

“Prep school Bo.”

“Walking is so hard.”

“More and more generic.”

“Lyrics and music deemed appopriate.”

“Worship leader.”

“Indecent violence.”

“Church no, which means don't ask again.”

“Ruining it is the point.”

“Should I invite the weirdoes?”

Escape Room (2017)

There seem to be about 3 films with the same title and premise. This mess is tedious and how is this culturally acceptable? Slightly ambigious people go to an escape room with no ominious result. They have bitter internal divisions and acrimony. The tools wander around escape rooms dropping like flies. There is violence and confusion. There are inevitable scenes of man-pain, murkiness and bad acting.

There is a grim kind of survival. The Teddy Bears Picnic song plays. This was cheap looking. What happened to the woman who stuck her hand in the bear's mouth? This was harsh and aggressively ugly. The ending was ludicrious and the baddie is utterly malign and unrevealed.

The Night Eats The World (2018)

This is a French zombie film. A dude sleeps through the zombie apocalypse to no serious distress. This is a blow from which humanity will probably never recover. This was lumbering. He shacks up in a Paris apartment ignoring the blood and mess. He gets a gun. Who has a gun in Paris? This was not even briefly beloved.

How did a body get on top of a public toilet? What did he smear on the windows? There is no sensationalist horror or evidence of life. The hipster dude has a vexed expression as he stews in the darkness of a sick, miserable world. This was not twisted or brilliant. There are no greater shocks or darker depths. Him venturing outside is not a terrifying prospect. This had no emotional value. He sees a cat and wants to make it a pet and gets angry when the cat doens't cooperate. Screw this guy.

This film is a failure on every level. He plays drums to attract zombies. This was devastatingly awful. He meets a woman and reacts in witless fashion. This was a ridiculously implausible pulpy scenario. Hipster dude does not smack of panic. This was not an unmitigated pleasure, it's just hopelessly weak. This falls utterly flat and is objectively awful.

Naturally the woman dies, he starts a fire and is endlessly stupid. Why is he so stupid? Why is he so truly revolting? What the hell did the end scene mean? This causes no pity, awe or horror.

Aquaman (2018)

James Wan directs this DC superhero movie that stars Jason Momao of 'SGA' and 'Game Of Thrones', Amber Heard, Willem Dafoe, Patrick Wilson, Nicole Kidman and Dolph Lundgren. A lighthouse keeper has a baby with the Queen of Atlantis (Kidman). Said baby grows up to be Arthur (Momao) who can talk to fish. There's mythology, a trident, sibling rivalry, an arch-enemy, the Sahara, Sicily, sea monsters, sea battles, Patrick Wilson riding a giant shark and the film climaxes with fish boy and his evil half brother (Wilson) fighting each other with giant forks. This was good. Heard has a very obvious wig, Aquaman likes beer and fighting and posing and the wonder of Atlantis is very well conveyed as is the abyssal horror of the sea.

Daylight's End (2016)

The world has been taken over by vampires in this post-apoc 'Stake Land' knockoff which is crap.

The Lady Vanishes (1938)

A woman befriends an old lady on a train who then vanishes. Everyone gaslights the woman that the old biddy did not exist. There are restricitve mindsets and a toxic social environment. This was boring and had a bad remake.

Best Line:

“That's fixed him.”

Halloween II (1981)

This 2018 reboot retconed this out of canon. Jamie Lee Curtis ends up in hospital which is staffed by morons. Donald Pleasence does nothing of note besides rant like a loon. Myers kills people without conscience or reason. Morons die, nobody cares, Laurie is revealed to be Myer's sister which was retconed out of canon by the reboot and this was overlit and full of 70s hair. Ana Alicia is in this as is Dana Carvey and Bill Warlock.

Best Line:

“I shot him 6 times!”

Dark Places (2015)

Charlize Theron and Nicholas Hoult star in this film which is based on a Gillian Flynn book. Theron surived a family annihilation as a child. Her brother is in jail for the crime. A man (Hoult) asks to meet her, he wants to get her brother out of jail along. The brother is an idiot, he was a messed up teen and he has a kid and doesn't care about the negative ramifications of his actions. This was okay.

Best Lines:

“He's lost hope.”


“Time for pride's over.”

“The kid who nobody paid attention to.”

“He'd shoot me in the head.”

“New satanic age.”

“No one in town liked much.”

“You lying whore!”

“Evil whore.”

“You don't talk hateful.”

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