epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Johnny Guitar+Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie+Motel Hell+ 4 others

Johnny Guitar (1954)

This Joan Crawford western sees her live a life of which people disapprove. Some awful woman is Joan's arch enemy in this horrendous film. The awful woman is entirely unreasonable. There are guns and no societal cohesion. A stuntman in a wig rolls down a hill. This has no vitality. Joan is problematically unbiddable and the ugly awful woman is unhelpfully snide and has a grievance to an irrational degree.

To Joan is ascribed all sin. The awful woman is combative and unjust and has no regard for the consequnces. This leaves you riled but not attentive. There is overly mannered acting. A climactic confrontation reveals a tale of thwarted affection or soemthing. What do the local opponents have against Joan?

Best Lines:

“The only trouble we have is what you brought in.”

“Gonna be closed territory.”

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (2016)

This was unneeded. I thought Saffron and her daughter had disowned Edina after Edina slapped Saffron's then toddler daughter. But now Saffron and her daughter are back with Edina acting like it never happened. The late June Whitfield pops up. Edina has had her house extended. Christopher Ryan pops up. There are tired jokes, bad jokes and cameos. This stopped being funny in 1995. This was an over-extended skit.

Best Lines:

“If you want things you have to pay for them.”

“Since when?”

“You need to be using fetus blood.”

“Go outside! Into the air!”

“You lit it, it's a cigarette.”

“No eaty.”

“Exercise. Exercise. Done.”

“Hand money.”

“I don't do traffic!”

Motel Hell (1980)

This alleged classic horror is actively stupid. It had lurid VHS covers back in the day and a lurid plot. But it is not tremendously good. A brother and sister bury people neck deep in a field, fatten them up and then turn them into meat pastries. There is bad acting, psychotic smirking, sheer evilness and horrifcally unstable baddies who've been doing this for 30 years unnoticed. This eneds with a chainsaw duel in which one guy wears a pigmask. This was BORING.

Best Lines:

“His peeker don't work!”

“Biggest cannibal in the whole country.”

Sgt Kabukiman N.Y.P.D (1996)


Hocus Pocus (1993)


Three-Headed Shark Attack (2015)

A calamity.

The Craft (1996) Rewatch

Fairuza Balk, Robin Tunney of 'Prison Break', Neve Campbell of 'Scream' and 'House of Cards', Christine Tayloer, Skeet Ulrich of 'Scream', 'Riverdale' and 'Jericho', Cliff De Young and Helen Shaver star in this tale of teen witches. Tunney wears a wig and one wonders where the reboot is. How does the trailer trash Nancy afford to attend the fancy Catholic school? Nancy has a noose in her locker? Nobody has an objection to this? There is open sexism in classrooms and Ulrich slutshames female classmates and nobody does anything? Taylor's open racism goes unpunished. The teen witches become increasingly deranged and turn on each other. Sadly it was dull and dated.

Best Lines:

“Scary bitch alert.”

“Bitches of Eastwick.”

“Watch out for the weirdoes.”

We are the weirdoes mister.”

Tags: jericho, movie review, prison break, riverdale

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