epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Review: Bird Box + The Arrival + A Christmas Horror Story + Spiders 3D + Dad's Army

Bird Box (2018)

Sandra Bullock stars in this adaptation of the Josh Malerman novel. Split between the past and the present this tells of how in the now Malorie (Bullock) yells at her kids and calls them Boy and Girl and takes them out of a very clean house along with some parakeets in a box to a very convienient boat. She plans to row this rowboat down a river, blindfolded, to some vague place of safety. There are skeletons around the house and flashbacks to 5 years ago explain how they all got into this sitch.

Malorie and her sister Jessica (Sarah Paulson) are driving around in Jessica's wood-panelled car when mass madness breaks out. Some unknown meancing threat destroys civilization and Malorie has to supress emotion and sympathy to surivie. This (mostly) has glowing notices. What did the people who went mad and killed themselves see? Why is Jessica dressed like it is the 1970s? Mass panic breaks out and Malorie ends up in a house with John Malkowich and others.

A woman dies, Malkovich waves a big gun and how did they all get into the house? Malorie is sad over a poor horse. There is a mention of mythology. What is out there? Where did all the other panicked people on the street go? How do they pee while travelling down the river for hours? Why do they sleep without blindfolds? Where did Malorie get the dead mice the parakeets are eating? Dead bodies suddenly appear outside the house. Malorie waves a gun, fellow pregnant survivor Olympia acts like an idiot. How is the toilet wokring in the house? What is the loo roll situation?

Douglas (Malkovich) acts like an ass, Malorie likes Tom and some dude sees something on CCTV and goes nuts. There is a jab at 'The Maze Runner'. What casts shadows ominiously agaisnt covered windows? There is increasing concern and they manage their interaction, at first. Do the things causing all this know the huge repercussions they have unleashed? Olympia is assiduously pleasant. Malorie has unresolved trauma.

The degree of not right grows as something sinisterly stalks out there. Douglas has seething anger. The factive members try to live in a functional, ethical, positive way. Malorie somehow got the parakeets in a supermarket during a foodrun. There is a Trump joke. You see the creatures to your detriment. Is it Douglas' house? It isn't really clear, he dislikes strangers being given the run of his house. Where did Malorie get the handgun she wields on the river as well as her endless supply of ammo? Who is the nutter who Malorie encounters on the river?

Why do the parakeets freak out if the things are near? They managed with one looting run? Where are the kids whilst Malorie is being attacked? Where did she get a machete? Poor conspriracy nut Charlie sacrificed himself. Pregnancy is imposed vulnerability. Douglas advocates survival. The gang don't build closeness. Why did Tom drive Douglas' car on the looting run? What did the GPS detect outside the car? What set off the proximity sensors?

How did they get all the stuff into the car on the looting run? Felix (the Machine Gun kelly lookalike) and Lucy stole the car and ran off. What became of them? How did they paper the windows of the house? Why did Felix and Lucy steal the car? Doesn't Malorie get tried from hours of rowing after living in a house for 5 years with no exercise? Where did she get the guideline dispenser? Was that a ruined hospital Malorie explored on the river? Her kids are stupid.

Malorie looks botoxed. There are bodies and reckless gun usage. How did Malorie run past Girl unnoticed? Malorie screeches hysterically. This was VERY different to the book but it was good and desolate if not scary. Why was this dumped to Netflix along with 'Annihilation'?

Best Lines:

“I will hurt you.”

“Exhibiting psychotic behaviour.”

“Nothing more that we need from it.”

“Unexplained mass suicides.”

“Soccer moms fighting over bottled water.”

“Why should I leave? I have you to get me groceries.”

“No judgments here.”

“Until whatever this is, isn't.”

“Open the door!”


“Classic bio-warfare signature.”

“Not a chance.”

“We're never getting out of here!”

“No one's coming for us.”

“To call me a creep would be an affront to creeps.”

“The assholes and the dead.”

"I've seen one! I've seen the truth!"

"Everyone must look!"

"No help coming."

"An interesting childhood."

"It's just the curb."

"What's behind there?"


"And after all this, we're supposed to get out?"


The Arrival (1996)

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Crouse star in this inept tale of a radio astronomer (Sheen!) who picks up signals proving the existence of extraterrestrial life. Ron Silver and Teri Polo and Richard Schiff co-star in this mess. Sheen has a beard and wears a sweater vest to convince people he went to college. He has a nagging woman who he is controling of and/or ignores. He also has severe anger issues.

There is mumbling and people don't listen. Sheen gets his shirt off, has passive aggressive rage and overacts and shouts. There is an unsettling development and Sheen's anger escalates. The whole concept of the beguiling siren call of aliens is ignored in this woeful film. Sheen hooks up HUGE satellite dishes. He goes from radio astronomer to cable installer. A smartass kid just shows up and becomes his sidekick.

Global warming is a plot point in this loud and incoherent film that has bad VFX. Aliens pretend to be humans. This was decidely dodgy and Sheen has no concept of dark self-doubt. Sheen has an awful burden. This film was a dreadful mistake. The kid is an alien, like duh. This was dire and truly terrible.

Best Lines:


“Non-random, non-Earth based.”

“Possibility of extra-solar life.”

“Beings from beyond the solar system.”

“None of you deserve to live here.”

“One little guy with a big conspiracy theory.”


A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

William Shatner stars in this festive horror movie. This tale of a murdeorus Santa and a ghost and a Krampus and a fairy child is unrelenting frivolity and narcissim which is just a cretinous whinge-fest.

Best Line:

“Hunter of the wicked.”


Spiders 3D (2013)

Patrick Muldoon stars in this dreck which is not gripping or susupenseful and lacks emotional impact. Muldoon is fat and old and this is not atmospheric and nobody has vigilance. An 80s satellite crashes into a subway and this does not leave you completely transfixed. There is no ethical approach. Some woman has bad lip fillers. This is not invigorating as pivots of fortune take place.

There is no moral condition as killer spiders attack. Muldoon has a bitchy ex-wife. There is no mounting horror and no commendable fierceness. This was not compelling just frenzied and disordered. There is no memorable realisitc detail just inane plotting and bad acting in this bilious mess. This was pretty miserabale and lacked pervasive and insidious bleakness. This was meandering and had phones from the 90s. A huge spider alien wanders around the city.

There are evil intentions in this eternal mediocrity. Muldoon is resistant to authority. Muldoon hates any infringement of his personal dignity. A giant spider attacks and it's as much fun as it sounds until it definietly isn't. Scientists, the military and Russians are negatively sterotyped, was this done deliberetly badly? How did a giant spider get into a toy store? Muldoon has no capacity for self-regulation or acting. There is scant respone to a giant spider.

Best Lines:

“What's that crap inside of his body?”

“Step away.”


Dad's Army (2016)

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Bill Nighy star in this take on the 'classic' sitcom which has homages to the original. It is 1944 and the Home Guard are infiltrated by a Nazi spy (Zeta-Jones). Stupid men drool over the spy. This was not needed.

Best Line:

“The jackboot will not tread upon this hallowed land.”

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