epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Tornado Warning+Downrange+Hot Tub Time Machine2+Cube Zero+ 10 others

Tornado Warning (2012)

Kari Wuhrer and Jeff Fahey star in this tale of killer alien wind. A whining brat whines. There is yelling. There is bad acting as alien tornados attack. Potentially chaotic things happen. Wuhrer is rude. There are historic hostile winds and distainful treatment in this non well-constructed mess which is in never ending decline.

Wuhrer does nothing but look pleased with herself. Wind has sometimes fatal consequnces. Fahey is intemperate. This was muddled and pretentious and has innumerable deficiencies. There is discontent, simmering dissatisfaction and anger. Nobody is intellectually honest. There is misguided wilful deception. Nobody is steady, prudent or able.

People act vindictively. This causes inattention. There is no graciousness or civic resposnibility. This leaves you dispirited. There is no gracious charm or emotional acuity. Nobody's comfortable with self-examination.

Best Lines:

“Climate chick.”

“Fascist goon.”

“All those fancy words.”

“Confirm hostile intent.”


Downrange (2017)

There is mumbling as teenagers stop their car in the middle of nowhere. There is no dread or anxiety. When will the challenging time start? It takes awhile. A sniper attacks the teenagers. A dude is shot in the head and a girl is shot in the head, but doesn't die straight away. The other idiots try to survive. Two guys get shot but not fatally. How long was the sniper up the tree waiting for victims to come along? There are hysterics and bad acting. The two guys who were shot seemingly shrug off pain and shock and infection. Fateful decisions of zero social utility are made. This was laughably bad.


Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015)

There is sexism and no John Cusack as 3 jerks travel to 2025 while making gay jokes. The deliberately idiotic characters have a loutish bacchanalia. This was terrible, even if the guy from 'Little Evil' is in it.


Cube Zero (2004)

This is the first of this horror franchise I've ever seen. I do not wish to see more. This is full of hateful characters and is idiotic.

Best Line:



Night Of The Living Deb (2015)

This is terrible with a moron 'heroine'.


Attack Of The 50 Ft Woman (1994)

Daniel Baldwin and Daryl Hannah and William Windom and Frances Fisher and Xander Berkeley star in this unwanted remake. A woman (Hannah) learns her husband (Baldwin) is cheating with a slutty mistress. This was a colossal mistake and it was not deeply disturbing. Good intentions never quite work out. There are bad VFX. This was not credible or compelling. There is no real suspence.

Best Lines:

“Supervised relaxation.”

“Putting down that chair would be a good way to start the healing process.”


Ruin Me (2017)

An interactive horror experience, Slasher Sleepout, goes awry as idiots wander around the woods. The heroine bewails and chafes. A crazy kook lurks. The first half of this film is thoughtful and rigorous. Strange things happen and a resolutely upbeat goth and her Kylo Ren-ish boyfriend lurk. The heroine and her fatalistic streak runs around. There is no sincerity or kindness or personal integrity as things get weird.

The not fully recovered junkie heroine is caught up in a maelstorm. The plot takes an unsettling unpredictable turn. The heroine is deliberative. This does not inspire awe or wonder. There is moral decay and chaos. There is no rapturous reception and this was not critcally annointed. I actively distrust the heroine and her perfidious boyfriend. The second half of this film turns into mediocrity. There is internal angst, melancholy and meance.

Naturally the impeccably responsible boyfriend is coercive and his deep concern is fake. A spectacular falling out takes place, the heroine is plainly not a good kid. This started out well but ends in completely useless fashion as things turn ruinious and bitter.

Best Lines:

“Go plug it up Carrie!”

“Not used to being awake during the day. Sunshine makes him grouchy.”

“These guys love their fake blood!”

“It's a slasher trope.”

“You are the others!”

“I don't think we can get out of here.”

“Addiction makes people do ugly things.”


Emelie (2015)

Sarah Bolger stars as an evil babysitter in this dull mess. She and the kids are unreasonably confrontational and there is psychotic rage.


Victor Frankenstein (2015)

James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe star. Characters ooze self-satisfaction in this sheer daftness. The morally benighted mad scientist and his overly earnest Igor take part in this tide of mediocrity. There is a series of bad judgements and Andrew Scott shouting in this remarkably lacklustre film that has no narrative logic and it is not simply terrible, it is utterly terrible and progigiously inept.

Best Line:

“God has no authority here.”


Timecop (1994)


On Deadly Ground (1994)


The Specialist (1994)


Impulse (1984)


The First Great Train Robbery (1978)


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