amusedThe Kiss Of The Vampire (1963)
This opens at a funeral where a weird beard man hurls a shovel into the coffin (it’s his daughter as revealed later) cue screaming from the coffin and blood (that looks like ketchup). This dramatic open is the highpoint of this dreadful movie. People flee the funeral - nobody talks about premature burial, corpse desecration or murder.
There is a castle which is obviously a matte pointing. A man leaves his wife alone to go off and get petrol. Goob. The gloomy cold wood is ominous and he’s made a terrible mistake thanks to traditional male norms. The couple end up at a hotel that doesn’t have or want guests and where no one stays and where nefarious purposes are obviously afoot.
I’m sure there will be severe consequences for the couple staying at the hotel and a terrible price. There’s a non-emotive legacy and a cultural legacy in the area. There is an obvious eerie sensation in the area and creepy austere looking men looming. This was not awe-inspiring and does not cause delighted horror as decadent aristos lurk in the castle. This film has dismal prospects.
This was not gratifying and is an arduous watch. The couple have terrible judgement which leads to ghastly consequences. Morally unacceptable things happen and a weird cult steals the wife. Vile evil doers do fundamental evil and the weird beard guy sends bats to attack and kill the vampires. WTF?
Best Lines:
“You did enjoy it I hope.”
“Skip that bit.”
“That is why I can never return to the city of my birth.”
“Business is never any good.”
“The local people.”
“His filthy perversion.”
~
BASEketball (1998)
Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Yasmine Bleeth, Jenny McCarthy, Ernest Borgnine, Robert Vaughn, Robert Stack and Greg Grunberg star in this funny if dated sports movie spoof. 2 losers (Parker and Stone) invent a driveway game that becomes a big success due to a rich fan.
It promotes and glorifies masculine presentation. There is idiot comedy, moanbags, an irrational plot, progressively more unbearable really horrible people, accusations of arrogance, twits who lack humility and lose the ability to listen to the population. Naturally there is a heroic ending leaving aside the causal 90s homophobia.
Best Lines:
“Health challenged and survival impaired.”
“Could you sign my chicken?”
“Smells like Christian Slater.”
“He smells like Robert Downey Jnr.”
“You’re excited? Feel these nipples!”
~
The Masque Of The Red Death (1964)
Vincent Price and Jane Asher star in this adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe’s tale. This was directed by Roger Corman. Decadence is not curbed as the Red Death rampages. There is a refusal of the real and a serious moral is imparted in this fateful tale. The cruel prince is unbeholden to god and the Red Death comes for him. I found this alleged ‘classic’ utterly boring.
Best Line:
“How like a pig you are. Be one.”
~
Children Of The Corn (2009)
David Anders and Kandyse McClure of ‘Battlestar Galactica’ encounter a cult of murderous children who worship a mysterious corn dwelling entity when they unwisely venture into Gatlin. This opens in 1963 with a bad child actor preaching to children. The vile squabbling couple squabble.
This is faithful (99%) to the classic Stephen King short story. How has no one noticed what happened in Gatlin? The couple, Vicky and Burt, don’t wear seatbelts. The story originally appeared in Penthouse in 1977. Is it meant to be 77 or 75 in the story? Burt was in Vietnam and slaps the shrill Vicky and mumbles. Something is terrible wrong in Gatlin and Burt ignores all Vicky’s pleas to leave. The couple are unobservant and the children look at a new preaching kid who is an even worse actor with dread and wonder.
Something walks in the cornfields in Gatlin. Isaac the preacher and his enforcer Malachi lurk. As does Malachi’s pregnant lover Ruth. Vicky has constant complaints about everything and is not conciliatory. Burt sees the creepy transformed church and still won’t leave. Vicky goes on and on and on about everything as her warnings are unheeded.
The disconcerting town is weird. Burt somehow didn’t notice various dead bodies in town. Burt the former Marine beats up and kills some crazy kids. There are catastrophic consequences to his stupidity and Isaac’s empty invocations. Where do the kids get food, fuel, clothes and tools? What do they drink? Was that a Gatlin kid on the radio? HOW?
Burt has extended 'nam flashback and there is a long dull chase scene. What had such a poisonous influence on the children? What is in the corn? Burt is an utterly awful human being and faces his fate. How do they harvest the corn? What happens to those who have to walk into the corn? Ruth wants to burn the corn and pack up her shag bag. This was okay, grim and bleak like the short story.
Best Lines:
“He Who Walks Behind The Rows!”
“Much displeased.”
“Certain things can’t happen. Not in the 70s!”
“Real American primitive.”
“Tell that to your American studies class.”
“Conscious raising groups.”
“Protected us from the outside world.”
“No room for the defiler of the corn.”
“Tell your NRA buddies what you bagged in Nebraska!”
“Folks in Gatlin got religion.”
“Sent outlanders among you.”
“The days of the blue man.”
“Old enough to remember the time of the drought.”
“Unseen and unknown.”
“Old when Jesus was unborn.”
“Age of favour.”
“Black pyjama bastard.”
“Devil pagan children.”