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Where are the Daughters? This show is a grim shadow of what it was. Cole and Cassie keep secrets, because that worked out so well for them before. Cole is palpably distraught and has abandoned all hope. There are bleak predictions. Cole and Cassie have delirious adulation for each other. There is spite, inaccuracy and ill-feeling. But no moral stance or untroubled lives.

People have bad intentions. When has Cassie not been hostile? They’re in 1852 or something. What gives Jones’ custodianship over time? Cole is emotionally owned by Cassie. Cole and his gang of morons wander around a Wild West town that turns out to be an anachronism. The piano player bashes out 1970s TV show themes. There is dissonance in this un-gratifying ep.

Cole and co are not protecting the integrity of the timeline. Elliot the father of Jones’ daughter shows up. Cole and co have forgotten the sheer importance of stopping the plague and are instead misusing time. Cole and Cassie aren’t shamed into silence. Elliot goes on about an ark that turns out to Titan, which he built.

Cassie did friend appropriation of Cole from Ramse. Jennifer isn’t a primary anymore or something. She messes up. Cassie displaced Cole’s attention from what mattered. Cassie and her feigned pity annoys. There is no moral courage. Deacon lurks. There are cruel destinies. Elliot’s shot. There is bad fight chorography. Deacon takes an arrow to the chest which he seems to walk off. Cole doesn’t regret leaving Deacon. The Witness’ child shows up. This was tiresome.

Best Lines:
“You are inhospitable!”

“That tune’s 130 years too early.”

“An iwatch.”

“Whiskey ain’t sour!”

“Something is very off about this place.”

“Death by dysentery.”

“Birthday chocolates.”

“Oh you fool.”

This is not of great potency. Cole boffs Cassie. How did Jones find Cole’s birth cert? Christopher Lloyd and Jay Karnes of ‘The Crossing’ guest star. What do Cole and Cassie use for birth-control? Where do Cassie and Cole get 1966 clothes? Cassie and Cole aren’t gracious. They need to face collective wrath for that they’ve done. Cole is in peril. This ep has the stink of desperation. People live a low-rolling life. There is dormant evil and a creepy kid.

This was lousy and it doesn’t get less horrible. The FBI agent (Karnes) shows up. He’s not dead. Did they have Kevlar in 1961? Russians play depressing music, play chess and miss a really obvious bug. FFS. The FBI agent and Jennifer have no concept of fingerprints. I’m tired of Jennifer’s madness and whims. There is no hidden order or creeping miasma of dread. Repellent and unnatural things happen.

There are irreconcilable contradictions. Deacon lurks. He’s not really bad. Nazi occult stuff shows up. But of course it does. Jones lurks in 1966. People babble about the bell, not the alleged Nazi anti-gravity invention but something else. Jones’ daughter shows up in 1966 too for no clear reason. Jones wants her to do something. Is Cassie buying into the 12 Monkeys cant or is this a dropped plotline?

Best Lines:
“Bang bang loop loop.”

“Butt stuff only!”

“Her bitchness!”

“There is no history.”

“Speak while you still have use of your tongue!”

“Fate my ass!”

“Unknown symbology.”

“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?”

“Are you insane?”

Die Glocke
In 1940 France, Jones goes on about the war against the Witness. This show and her project started out as a last desperate attempt to stop the plague and the apocalypse. They’ve time travelled back to WW2 and only Jones can speak German (the actress actually being German helps). Why does every time travel show involve Nazis? Jones is dying very slowly of radiation poisoning. Why haven’t her organs melted? Why hasn’t her hair fallen out? Or her teeth?

Cassie lurks. Does she have any idea what is being said as German is spat around her? Jones waves faked Nazi documents at actual Nazis. Where did she and Cassie get their 1940 clothes and hair styles? Why is a Nazi speaking English? If Cassie is supposed to be German, why does not one Nazi wonder why she has an American accent? Jennifer poses as a maid. Nobody notices the new maid.

A French diva is rude. Cole can’t speak French and gets busted along with Deacon. There are seething glances. A German officer and his silly trousers slaps Deacon. Nobody cares about being witnesses to history. Cole only cares about Cassie’s angry vagina. The pitiless magnitude of history drags on. Cassie and Jennifer speak English in Nazi occupied France. Cassie causes chaos and consequences; all she cares about is Cole’s man-rod.

Nazis have a look of murder on their faces. Deacon’s not bad. Cole has mistook things, again. This ep is interminable. Jennifer is all howling fury. Cassie couldn’t be bothered to try to do the right thing. She scorns the notion of cooperation and altruism. There is stubborn will and predatory wailing. Cassie is monstrously cruel and selfish. The Witness’ power spans an eternity.

Nazis have a solemn purpose to be perverted. Cole has arrogance and needs to be advised as to his future conduct. Deacon has carefully controlled anger. What is it about Cassie that breeds attachment? I don’t understand her worth. Cassie stares at Hitler. Violence and stupidity are the only virtues people find useful. Cassie wears white trash shoes in 1940. Will Jones shut up? Someone kills the French songbird. Jennifer sings for Hitler, namely Pink’s U + Ur Hand.

Isn’t that song the sort of degenerate art that Nazis hated? Cassie dresses up like Nazi Barbie so she can machine gun Nazis. I’m amazed Cole and Cassie didn’t kill each other with crossfire. Where did Cassie get the Nazi Barbie outfit? Goodies die unmourned. The Bell is a monkey looking thing. Jones is handed over to the mad looking Olivia. One feels scorn and indifference for this. Jennifer blows up Hitler. There are no moral ramifications. Jones is a dangerously melancholy and fanciful idiot. Nobody has self-actualisation.

Best Lines:

“Ancient past.”

“Hidden from history after.”

“They will shoot you right there and then.”

“A talentless whore dead for 20 years!”

“You want to kill Hitler! That’s awesome!”

“You suck at it.”

“West VII? You gotta let it go.”

This dross sees ill-intentioned people explore mediocre options. There is no competent storytelling as Jones’ daughter and Olivia’s daughter do stuff. Olivia is crazy. What about stopping the plague? This was not intriguing. This was dismal. There is no grandeur or purpose to this farcical season. People go to 1491 and old Jennifer lurks. Why is someone wearing hot pants in 2043? Jones’ daughter lives in the past for a year. How does she play for her hotel room and clothes and makeup and phone? Daughters are sad. Times are evil. The Witness will don a suit of armour with boob armour.

Best Lines:
“Sack up.”

“I will knock you on your ass boy.”

“Great beauty of a dead world.”

“Break time itself.”

Ben Cross guest stars. There are silly accents, medieval times, bad make up and why do they speak modern English in 1492? Jennifer is in peril. Imprecations and lambent ferocity abound. Why do Cole and co’s stolen clothes always fit them perfectly? People take harm in this dreadful world. A primary has petulance. A man is not laudable to Cole. This was intolerably stupid and boring and inconsequent. Where did the Army of the 12 Monkeys get their name? How did they build that weapon in 1492?

Deacon gives Olivia a The Reason You Suck speech. Deacon dies. Bravo Cole, bravo. What about Cassie’ fiancée and life she abandoned? Deacon had more tenacity than Cole. There’s a significant crisis. Where did old Jennifer get chalk in 2043?

Best Lines:
“Slithering through the bowels of causality.”

“Witches are the fantasy of books and plays yet to be written.”

“Cannot be undone.”

Tomorrow Is Yesterday
The US Air Force thinks they have a real UFO on their hands, it is the USS Enterprise. Kirk and co have time-travelled via a black star. Kirk’s an idiot and an Air Force pilot is beamed aboard the USS Enterprise. Kirk babbles about the United Earth Space Probe Agency. The AF officer, John Christopher, has a good laugh about lady computers. Spock babbles about historical tapes and says John Christopher will make no relevant historical contribution. But his son will head the first Earth-Saturn probe. In the ‘TOS’ novel ‘Federation’, a city on Titan is called Christopher’s Landing. The AF officer is delighted to hear he will have a son shrugging off the existence of his 2 daughters. There are more problems. Kirk and Sulu creep around the AF base. 2 years after this ep aired, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon. A black star would now be known as a black hole. There is a fist fight and dire-logue. The ending is an ass-pull.

Best Lines:
“Purpose undetermined.”

“Change what must be.”

The assassins have been told by Poseidon to kill Michael. Wrong, hurtful and misguided things happen. Michael stabs a baddie in the eye with a screwdriver - he still doesn’t die. Michael is a brooding badass. This ep was forgettable. An Elvis impersonator lurks. Michael is stranded alone in the desert. There is a cliffhanger. Rick Yune was in ‘Die Another Day’ and his career has come to this.

Best Line:
“I can’t wait to kill him.”

Blood 1x02
Cat tries to tell the police her suspicions but they mock her for thinking her father killed his wife because she wasn’t dying fast enough. The vile father rolls around in bed and plans to run off to Portugal with his whore, who is also married. The father plans to sell his house and has bought his whore a ring. He’s a master manipulator. The whore wants a break. Cat claims her father murdered someone in the past. A cat mews. The father didn’t pay for catering at his wife’s funeral. Cat’s sister worships her father and arranges an accident for Cat. Her brother makes out at the funeral. There is a family fight. The father pays his adoring daughter’s mortgage and got her children into a fancy school. The father won’t tell the truth. This blew.

Best Lines:
“Good at burying secrets and people.”

“Your wife has just died.”
“I hadn’t forgotten.”

“Saw him move a frog.”

“Pissing on the drive.”


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