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Witchslayer Gretl (2012)
Emilie Ullerup of ‘Sanctuary’ and Paul McGillion of ‘Stargate Atlantis’ and Shannen Doherty star in this wretched film. There is babbling, exposition and uncombed hair. This was unpromising fomr the start. People have spiteful and insincere intentions. Witches draw hostile attacks from McGillion and some woman with a bad perm. This is a knock off of a Jeremy Renner film FFS! There are wilful acts, altercations, overacting, bad acting, implausible plotting and bad bleach jobs in this film that does not absorb or entertain.

Witchslayers pathologise female power in this extremely dubious plot. This starkly dispels any interest. The low budget and misogyny are glaringly evident. People carry on an intimidation campaign. A witch queen (Doherty) prances. People act arbitrarily in this terrible and horrible film. The witchslayer turns out to be Hansel and the witch queen is Gretel. Witches run around in lingerie and unloved women are killed. The appalling implications are ignored.

Best Lines:
“Did I do something to anger you?”
“Not yet.”

“You live and breathe to serve me.”

Men & Chicken (2015)
Mads Mikkelsen stars in this insufferable and dismaying and grotesque Danish ‘comedy’. Various half-brothers inhabit a ramshackle house having punch ups and being weird. There are chickens, animals, a secret in the basement and weirdness. There is not even an affection of mirth here. There is no wonder why people stand in fear of this family of weirdoes.

Best Line:
“How can a house this big have just one toilet?”

A Star Is Born (2018)
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga star in this overhyped remake. Cooper is some sort of compost heap looking rockstar who meets waitress/songwriter/dragbar singer Gaga. Her father is a subdued Andrew Dice Clay whose acting has improved since ‘Wacko’. This has only 1 good original song. All Cooper’s rock songs sound loud and incoherent. When Ally (Gaga) becomes a star she does pop which isn’t as catchy as Gaga’s own music.

This film was too long and too loud. Money and privilege and recognition come to Ally as Cooper suffers from drunkenness, drug use and tinnitus and becomes unfamous seemingly overnight. They marry and Cooper isn’t getting the right level of attention and comes to a terrible end. He needed her to bolster his morale. This was dull and has an array of unlikeable characters.

The Appearing (2014)
Dean Cain stars in this, along with a lesser Swayze and a bloated fat guy. This was terrible and incoherent.

Primal Force (1999)
Ron Perlman leads a rescue mission to an abandoned off limits island. Morons are stranded there with killer babbons. This is overlit and looks cheap. There is dated technology. An idiot won’t listen to advice. The island was a hunting preserve gone awry. This was 90s and naff but an okay time passer even if the acting was appalling.

Best Lines:
“Bet you won’t see that in National Geographic.”

“No animal hunts man.”

“Planet of the Apes garbage.”

“Banished me from their lofty halls of learning.”


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