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Movie Reviews: Malevolent + Exists + The Delta Force + Haunt + Extinction + The Lost World

Malevolent (2018)
This terrible film begins in 1986 Glasgow. A gang of con artists fake being mediums. A woman, Angela, may be a real medium. Her mother may have been a medium. This was not wrenching. Just absurdity. The gang of con artists are inharmonious. This is uniformly terrible. Why are there American con artists in Glasgow? Do they get a huge sense of accomplishment convincing people they are mediums?

There is no growing trepidation. There is mention of a loony-bin. Do ghosts have sinister intentions? The con artists make a grievous error. This film goes badly wrong. Angela is without joy. Somehow the cons have achieved unimpeachable respectability. I don’t care about their unrelenting turmoil. Angela is a psych student who is failing out.

Things take a dark turn. There are no psychological or philosophical conceits. Angela is drawn into a dark web of obsession. This was not unexpectedly brilliant. Angela has no self-disgust. This film is a stark testament to the failings of the UK film industry. The con artists are pitiful figures. This was not disturbingly significant. Angela is distractible. There is no redemptive power or sheer dread.

There is a blonde woman, Beth, who is the girlfriend of one of the yanks. A guy, Jackson, gets beaten up by gangsters for unclear reasons. They were con artists in the US and now here. There is no 80s hair or 80s clothes. The con artist go to a creepy remote house.
An old woman mumbles about murders committed by her serial killer son. It is all a bit unclear. Was the old house a school or an orphanage? There is no anger, shame or observational abilities. This was no sad or upsetting. There is no sinister tinge. Everyone is mysterious. This was not grimy. There is physical or mental turmoil. Angela has nightmarish visions. There is no leeway or high intensity.

This was not artistically fulfilling. Actors look quite obviously uncomfortable. This is not completely ideal. This was tedious. There is no personal resilience. This was not sensual or sinuous. The shady cabal of cons are horrific monsters and they deserve what happens to them. Has the old woman been abandoned by her community?

Angela begs for understanding. There is no fragile nobility or magnetic presence. This was not hauntingly atmospheric. There is no sombre lamenting or inconsolable grief. The pervading tone is of eye-averting misery. People are indecisive. This was not magnificently satisfying. The old woman turns out to be a mean old biddy who unapologetically revels in blame casting. She is bereft of introspective angst. The con artists intricate web of deceit goes awry.

Ghost girls lurk in demoniacal fashion. There is clammy obsession with unrepentant evil. There is no unpredictability. This is not riotous and there are no grim shadows. Men and their macho ways face danger. There is no authenticity or pathos. This was not meaningful. One feels witheringly scornful of this. The macabre fake con artists are infuriatingly stupid. This was not original, fascinating or fateful.

The categorical judgement is that this sucks. There is a malign influence in the house. There are no genuine penitents. Things get fractious. This was all surface pyrotechnics. There is no moral dimension. This was full of fatuous fools. There is a fateful running down of an old bloke and a car crash. All of which is shrugged off. This was not an artistic triumph.

The con artists end up in horrible clutches. There is no evocation of the macabre. This was not desperately moving. A dude lurks and hits people with a shovel. Is he real or a ghost? This was not lingeringly nasty. There is hideous mateyness, stupid choices and a compulsively respectable old dear turns out to be evil.

There is a generational legacy of abuse. The plot is incoherent and makes no sense. This was silly and there is no blatant honesty. This has all attendant failings. This was not full of ideas and was puerile. There are no tragic consequences and this was not disturbing or ingenious. The surviving con artists had their mouths sewn shut and shrugged it off.

This was not a moody delight. There is a grubby milieu. There are no moral dilemmas. This was not a chilling world. There is repulsive sociopathy. This was not chillingly minimalist. Who’s with Angela at the end? This was all slack storytelling and TPTB wasted Celia Imrie as the evil old biddy.

Best Lines:
“Think mom was such a victim.”

“Ever since mom killed herself, all you’ve done is judge me!”

“Fresh starts are not cheap.”

“You really want to go there?!?”

“Every family has secrets.”

“What are you doing?”
“Going where?”

“They know where we live!”

“Fill it with powerful thoughts.”

“Cleanse this house.”

“The girls were to blame!”

“Those little monsters!”

Exists (2014)
Unpleasant incidents unfold in this found footage mess. There is mischance in this wholly wretched film. This was badly lit and full of mumbling and yelling as a gang of idiots head into the woods to party. This stars no recognised talent. People only live in the woods on Bigfoots sufferance. The gang make a bad social impression.

The gang make a not entirely favourable impression. One feels generational pessimism looking at this. One feels genuine incomprehension that nobody saw how bad this was. There are dramatic outbursts by the reckless and despicable jerks. The credulous fools cause tedium. This was not enduringly fascinating or relentlessly interesting.

The gang lack complex smarts and have larky defiance of logic. They lack thespian oomph. There is no sharp and vigorous sense of drama. There are no lovable idiots just wooden acting and ludicrous plotting. This was not diverting or compelling. This was atrocious. The gang utter daft utterances, have petty grievances and seething rage while ignoring a man’s grave concern that there is something in the woods. This was not extremely intense. The overexcited twits die in this entirely daft film. Blame is apportioned and the ending is incoherent.

Best Lines:
“I’m not walking!”

“Alien Autopsy huge!”

The Delta Force (1986)
Chuck Norris, Lee Marvin, Robert Forster, George Kennedy, Robert Vaughn and Kim Delaney star in this film in which Chuck Norris reckons nought of his enemies. Stirring music plays in this inspired by a true story action film. A plane is hijacked. A priest (Kennedy of ‘Just Before Dawn’) is heroic. The overhead lockers have no doors. Flight attendants get punched in the face by hijackers.

There is a social mixture on the plane. Why did they open the cockpit door? The hijackers face repeated entreaties. They act with impunity. The plane flies to Beirut. A General (Vaughn) oozes smarm and smug. Marvin is grizzled and seems too old to be a Delta Force operative.

A bitter conflict is kicked off by the baddies with diabolical pride and ferocity. Someone tries to lecture a baddie on gun safety. A stupid child whines. Baddies plunge into acts of lawlessness. Passports are collected and a German flight attendant is made to pick out the Jews. This film has some effective moments and that is one of them. There are 144 passengers on the plane, one is killed and some are off-loaded. Terrible threats are issued against passengers. Dread doom is threatened and Chuck Norris takes on troublesome adversaries as a Delta Force operative.

The baddies are not born intriguers. There is continual strife. Wrath is fuelled. Righteousness declines. There are ominous consequences and things bode no good for the hostages. New baddies get on the plane twice. Oddly no one notices this. The supercilious threatening baddies have severity. A dead body which is an obvious dummy is tossed off the plane. The baddies are led by malice. Evil minded men kill an orthodox priest. Why is a newspaper in Lebanon written in English?

This was okay. The ending is totally OTT. One Delta Force guy dies thanks to the quite vile behaviour of by stroppy difficult rude people. There is no meaty content and this had no deft or dexterity.

Best Lines:
“New world revolution.”

“Do not provoke me!”

“Ladies and children.”

“You cannot land in our country; we have enough trouble without you!”

“Thank god the women are safe.”

“It’s a go, take em down!”

“Speak or you’re dead.”

Haunt (2014)
A dull haunted house movie that is unwatchable.

Extinction (2014)
Matthew Fox stars in this post-apoc zombie film. There is screaming, fake snow, a Lovecraft reference, a poor horse gets shot and some dude is hostile and shoots another survivor’s dog cos he is an ass. This sucked and blew.

The Lost World (1960)
Directed by Irwin Allen. This updates the Arthur Conan Doyle novel to the then present day. Professor Challenger (a sexist burk) leads a quest to the Amazon rainforest to find dinosaurs. The natives are shrugged off or treated as pets. The VFX of the dinosaurs are cheap. A native woman is imprisoned, patronised and ill-treated by Challenger and co. This was terrible in every single way.
Tags: lost, movie review

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