epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: The Captains + Silent Night + Xmoor + It Came From Outer Space II + Carnage Park

The Captains (2011)
This is a documentary by William Shatner which centres on actors who have played Starship captains. Shatner’s a fat bloated ham and this was boring. Shatner has a private plane. Shatner talks to Patrick Stewart who was an overactor. Shatner annoys. He talks to Avery Brooks who is wearing a bizarre outfit and acting like he is high and or an escaped mental patient.

Brooks is a tenured professor of theatre. Kate Mulgrew is fat and rude. Shatner sits in a cardboard box on the street. Mulgrew and others do misty eyed reminiscences of their jobs. This causes inattention. Shatner meets Scott Bakula and interrupts a lot. Shatner talks to Chris Pine who can’t pronounce ‘Waiting For Godot’. There is no mention of Mulgrew’s predecessor Bujold on ‘Voy’. Or Mulgrew’s bullying of Jeri Ryan.

People discuss theatre acting. Shatner talks to some random lunatic on the street. Shatner, Stewart and Bakula discuss their divorces. Mulgrew reveals her kids resented ‘Voy’ and talks about how hard it was to film and be a mother. Christopher Plummer shows up. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“Why did they get the role?”

“Content with my own company.”

“Absolutely important.”

“Nobody had any success.”

“You’re me 50 years ago.”

“So highly stylised.”

“Can she speak the language?”

“Tribble Slayer.”

“5 days off in 4 and ½ years.”

“Forced calls.”

“Can’t be corrected.”

“Nothing but dripping contempt for it.”

“Distained it.”

“Loved often and well.”

Silent Night (2012)
Malcolm McDowell stars with Donal Logue and Brendan Fehr in this terrible remake. A pervy Santa (Logue), an angry cop (McDowell) and a killer Santa all lurk in this cheap and nasty remake.

Best Line:
“No mercy for sinners.”

Xmoor (2014)
Nick Blood stars in this film that lacks creeping menace and genuine unease. Americans stomp around Exmoor looking for a monster. There is no mortal danger. There are dead sheep in this badly lit film that has no sense of jeopardy. This was boring as 2 yanks and a guy wander around uttering ropey dialogue. People show off their bad acting. The ending is stupid. There is no viable threat. The final shot is even more stupid. The characters are not even half-bright.

Best Lines:
“Probably been murdered by crack heads.”

“A crazy dug addict living in their house.”

“Operation Beastie.”

“Cat of the Baskervilles!”

It Came From Outer Space II (1996)
This was not quietly devastating as sweaty yelling men yell. Mickey Jones and Dean Norris are in this terrible film. There is bad VFX as aliens show up in a small town. There is a stupid kid, a blue rock and a distracted society who shrug off weirdness. The seeming normality is disrupted by aliens and weird lights. A semi-hostile nagging mother changes her tune. There is stupidity and bad VX.

Best Lines:
“You half dead old coot.”

“Hungry for attention.”

Carnage Park (2016)
This is set in 1978 and a crazy sniper kills people. This was oddly stagy as people indulge in risky behaviours and have a destructive agenda. There is mental disarray. A nutter plays his version of the most dangerous game. This was not inherently worthwhile. Alan Ruck is in this.

Best Lines:
“Not by her volunteer.”

“Don’t come round here no more!”
Tags: agents of shield, breaking bad, gotham, movie review, star trek

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