A Window Into An Empty Room
So much Simon and there is the grim prospect of even more plots to do with him and his singing. Simon is a jerkass who acts without consequence. Has Jace’s love for Clary been obliterated? That plot point seems to have been forgotten later on. Alec and Bane bore. Manners are a forgotten virtue. This season has been a horrendous decline. Alec is in great distress.
Izzy wears a very short, rather pretty black and red dress. Izzy shrugs off Bane’s unpredictable behaviour and emotional abuse of Alec. Poor Alec is forever lamenting Bane. Clary has told no one about the angel being killed? FFS. She tells Luke though and he helps her cover up this lie. No-one notices Jace killing virtuous mundane for the demon woman? Is she shagging him?
Simon shrugs off creating a vampire. The annoying bitch annoys. Simon deserves a sustained campaign of criticism. Clary needs to stop lying. She is manifestly unfit to be a shadowhunter. Simon’s galpal is dumb. Simon doesn’t tell the shadowhunters about the crazy vampire he created? Who was the white trash looking guy with Alec and Izzy’s mother who was never seen again after his one scene?
Jace plans to murder Izzy’s mancandy. TPTB have a commitment to blatant disregard for sense or logic. This was a total disaster. A Silent Brother lurks - it’s the guy from the ‘Infernal Devices’ books! The vampire is a public nuisance. Bane is motivated by an unswerving confidence that he is right and that justifies his actions. Alec is tempted. The vampire attacks Izzy.
Simon turns the vampire over to a secret society. Bane finally puts things together. There is a terrible fight scene in a very well lit alley. There is bad acting and how did Luke get to the alley?
“We both were close with Jace’s ancestor.”
“State your name and clan!”
Salt In The Wound
Clary needs to be in trouble with the clave. Jace runs and chucks Clary off a roof - she reacts with more dull surprise acting. This was not unnerving, suspenseful or mysterious. Kyle is the werewolf who created Maya. Simon acts out. Stop giving Simon so much screen time. Clary’s selfish. Why doesn’t Clary call the clave instead of Simon? If Clary can’t move, how did she make a phonecall? Clary is insta-healed, off screen. The demon woman is Lilith - Adam’s first wife.
Clary finally tells the truth. Simon’s an idiot. This was truly sinister. Will Jonathan rise again? The bitchy woman killed her mother? Bane manipulates Alec into apologising to him. FFS. Unwanted accusations are flung around. Kyle wants to vindicate his good name. Maya has flashbacks. I don’t care about her or Simon. Do magical rainbows fly out of Jace’s ass? Lilith wants Valentine’s dead flesh. He’s buried in the cemetery of the disgraced. In the books, don’t shadowhunters burn their dead?
The bitchy woman’s girlfriend is shrill and loud. Simon’s flippant. Jace’s grandmother is bothered. Things get fractious. Poor Kyle’s popularity ratings are low. There is no social dividend to this. Jace stabs his granny. Grievances are exploited. Maya wanted to study marine science? The shadowhunters are an off-grid warrior class. Is Jace’s granny dead?
Lilith tantrums. Maya was rude to Kyle. His mancandy are interchangeable items to Bane. I wish Maya would SHUT UP. She provokes and neither Maya or Simon have a glimmer of self-reflection. Maya’s a dumb bitch. Maya makes it all about her - oh SHUT UP about your constant despair. There is bad acting, moral certainties and a compromised redemption. If Maya wasn’t so confrontational and stopped subjecting Kyle to ongoing vilification and demonisation, she’d be a better person.
“Against the oath.”
“Stab her until there’s no-one left to love.”
“Very very hurt.”
“Drop your stele!”
“Died in a tragic jewellery making accident.”
A Walk In Darkness
Simon turned people into salt. He murdered people and nobody cares. This was not gritty or gripping or tense. Do they think the clave only have vague suspicions? Simon is an idiot. Will he stop being a self centred idiot?! Simon is all implausible fecklessness. This was farcical. Jace is possessed and does not radiate menace. There are glaring signs of wrongness.
Will Simon SHUT his thankless mouth? He’s all stupidity and frivolity. Luke lies. Jace’s granny is dead. This is not a real and relatable world. Alec has a message of defiance. There is fierce opposition. We see a kid Izzy who can’t act. It is admitted that there is a new Seelie queen. Simon has the mark of Cain. Clary is an abysmal failure of a shadowhunter.
The shadowhunters were saving the wish in case of an insurmountable evil taking over the world. Clary’s defiant. Luke plans to break Clary out of the clave jail. Relationships sour beyond repair. This was not completely captivating. We see a young Jace who isn’t blonde. There is bad acting and this was not a master of menace of truly impressive or fantastic.
This was not creepy or completely captivating or well constructed or absorbing or entertaining or visionary. There is more bad acting. People are self-deluded types. This show is in tragic decline. Will Maya SHUT UP? Jace blubbers inelegantly. Lilith scarpers with Jace. There is little genuine appreciation for sense. Maya leaves.
“Coddle your latest soldier boyfriend.”
“Why were you digging up your father’s body?”
“If Jace was dead, how is he alive now?”
“A demonic resurrection ritual.”
“Being a shadowhunter is about sacrifice.”
Familia Ante Omnia
Clary is not credible, compelling, sympathetic, clear or dignified. This tries for a modicum of potency. Clary and her self-righteous empowerment annoys. Clary’s misery is aggravated. She’s not responsible or competent, just chilling and brazen. Clary’s been condemned by the clave and the clave burn those condemned. Clary faces that and her carcass being dropped down a hole.
People embrace various shades of denial and obviously disprovable lies. Clary has no contrition about her misconstrued act. Clary has incredulous horror at the burnings. Clary has committed a monstrous wrong. People accept the abnormal as chillingly ordinary. This show is in ever-accelerating decline. Nobody is self-effacing. There is talk of resurrecting Valentine.
The vampire girl is back. Clary resurrects her evil dead father. Luke’s pack won’t help him and turn on him. Increasingly improbable things happen. There is catastrophisim. Valentine wails about his afterlife. This was not extraordinarily revealing. Predatory individuals face predestined doom. Nobody is relatively normal. Clary and her zombie dad are ludicrously narcissistic. Things are thankless, torpid and there is a sacrificial calamity. Simon’s hopeless ineptitude endangers his family.
Clary acts like everything is completely her due. This was not extremely fun. Nobody is selfless. This was not hugely enjoyable. Bane is addicted to praise. The warlocks won’t help. Valentine is insidious and dangerous and moody. There is not great reassurance. Alec is Bane’s supportive helpmeet. Izzy’s dumb and insufferably pompous. There is a lost atmosphere of hope. Simon’s unhappily aware of his hunger. Sorrowful tragedy unfolds and Valentine tries for coldly terrifying and doesn’t want to go back to an afterlife of misery.
Valentine is viscerally tough and uncompromisingly violent. Valentine irritably dismisses an arrow to the throat. This was not harrowingly effective as Valentine won’t go back to the grave. There is a realignment of priorities. There is a magic brawl. Nobody is well-intentioned or determined to live differently from the previous generation. This was not observant or quietly contemplative. Things are hyper-grim and faintly ridiculous. Simon feeds on his sister.
There is no sincerity or depth. Simon has existential loneliness as his mother, understandably, rejects him. There is no deathly transcendence. Luke’s a moron. This was not thrillingly clever. There is vulnerability, vengeance and pain. Luke ignores his job. There is no easy rapport. This was goodish in places. Valentine still has followers. Weren’t his runes removed? Gnomic wisdom is mumbled.
This was a stupid stupid goodish delight. It is impossible to impose order and logic on interactions and society. Alec decides to kill Jace. Bane wants to look up his dad. There is no ricocheting intensity. Clary joins up with her mad dad and then Valentine dies AGAIN. Then things get worse!
“I’m not your mate.”
“Wander the world in misery.”
“Burned at the stake for not doing magic.”
“Stuffed me into a duffel bag.”
“Wanted to change to please him.”
“You’ll be back in hell soon enough.”
“I was never yours.”
“The dungeons of the spiral labyrinth.”
“This time you’re not coming back.”
There is a flashback to a young Jonathan which doesn’t match up with what he said happened to him back in season 2. Izzy’s mancandy is gone. Luke is in peril. Simon’s sister pities him. Bane meets his dad Amadeus (Jack Yang). Simon mind-whammies and gaslights his mother into forgetting he is a vampire. People are unpleased. Alec tries to murder Jace and then Jace beats up Alec. Simon thinks he killed Clary. Alec is injured. Jace is un-possessed. Bane lost his magic. Lilith and Simon trigger a disaster. Jonathan lives. Where did he and Clary go? Lilith bows up. Jace feels boiling anger. This was okay.
“Vanished from existence.”
“Really worth all the murder.”
The Tales Of The Seven Keys
Since when was Penny dying? Julia sorta has magic. She doesn’t deserve Quentin’s lifelong companionship. Penny’s a librarian and still annoyingly difficult. Pernicious forces are afoot. What existential risks are people babbling about? No magic de-dramatises this show. Margo is tormented by fairies. The sloth lurks. The god Bacchus is on social media.
This ep was an especially bad idea and is full of systemic problems. Margo and Eliot have a hilarious conversation in code using pop culture references. Where are all the magical talking animals? Eliot locates the Great Cock. Nobody has forbearance and dignity. Various people are cynical hearted. Quentin and co want their capacity for power back.
The Great Cock suggests a quest to regain magic. Dimension travelling talking bunnies show up. Bunnies are magical messengers. Who knew? This was okay. Alice is up to something. The fairies are profoundly unsettling and into blunt coercion.
“Come back when you’re fun.”
“Crazy level of drama.”
“Trivial Pursuit: Star Trek Edition.”
“I am about ready to go full 07 Britney.”
“Some extremely average nobody.”
“He is not the wrong problem.”
“Those books are like a million pages long.”
What Are Little Girls Made Of?
What Orion ruins was Spock talking about at one point? Nurse Chapel and her bad wig mumbles are as a former boyfriend of hers shows up on an ice planet. Kirk and Chapel beam down to the ice planet. A security guy falls down a bottomless pit. A weird robot lurks. Kirk is depressingly macho. More robots lurk. With depressing inevitability things go awry.
This is not a sober narrative. There is acting of varying competence. This was not powerful or unsettling. Who are the old ones the robot was babbling about? Chapel’s doctor ex built himself his very own party doll. Secrets are uncovered. The crazy doctor makes a Kirk robot double. It is not like ‘Westworld’ but William Shatner does get his clothes off. Kirk uncovers a plot for immortality. Kirk sexually harasses robots and talks more robots to death. This was irredeemably awful.
“The inferior ones!”
“Bring the evil back.”
“Turn us off.”
“Cleansed ourselves of them.”
The Enterprise encounters a duplicate of Earth. Feral kids attack. Miri who can’t act goes hysterical. Kirk seems to be hitting on Miri (EW!) until he gets sick. McCoy demands a bio-computer. Dirty incredibly old children lurk and plot. Miri plots. People get hysterical. Kirk makes speeches. This was terrible. Miri’s dying and stupid kids annoy.
“A beaker full of death.”
“NO I DON’T FEEL ALRIGHT! NONE OF US FEEL ALRIGHT!”
Who is the turd burglar? The perfectly well-meaning TPTB investigate. Kevin is affectless. There is no real searing impact. Drew a theatre kid has a kink. Jenna a rich kid is sneered at. This was not emotional and compelling. Was there a 4th poop crime?
“Obnoxiously perfect Instagram.”
“Kylie. Kylie baby daddy. The new baby.”
“Even Jesus would tell Paul to take it down a notch.”
“He thinks the pope’s too radical.”
“That’s serial killer weird.”