epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Deepstar Six+Covenant+Frankenhooker+Virgin Witch+MyBloodyValentine+100 Bloody Acres

Deepstar Six (1989)
I think ‘Leviathan’ was better than this crap. Miguel Ferrer and Matt McCoy and Nia Peeples star in this mess. Jerks work in an undersea base. There is no complexity or suspense. There is bad acting and this was not thoughtful, quiet or intelligent. Everyone looks like a scumbro. This causes irritation. This has moral compromise. Women are marginalised, insulted and dismissed as men cause finger-jabbing rows.

Miguel Ferrer is unrelentingly annoying. A sea monster attacks. Everyone is licentious and base. This is sexist and emotional vitriol is fuelled. Men have swagger and panic and bravado. This is cheap looking and is all mundanity. This is dismal. What’s down in the unimaginable darkness of the abyssal deep? Nothing interesting. This was all boredom and people aren’t emotionally devastated by what happens to them. This is notoriously bad and nobody has emotional range. The ‘monster’ looks like Mr Hanky. One feels dwindling interest from 1 minute in.

The Covenant (2006)
This sexist dire mess looks 90s. Women are meat and estrogen brigade bait men - Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan, Taylor Kitsch and Chance Crawford prance. There is a sequel set up. Also featuring are Stephen McHattie, Jessica Lucas of ‘Cult’ and ‘Gotham’ and apparently Neil Napier of ‘Helix’.

Frankenhooker (1990)
Nobody starts out disarmingly normal in this tale of sluts and bolts. This is a bizarre ‘comedy’ that has dated tech, fat shaming and weird clothes. A mad scientist’s stupid girlfriend dies in a freak remote controlled lawnmower accident. No names star in this mess which is remarkably unpleasant. This was not funny or endearing. It is full of gross discourtesy and a top loading VCR.

Poor Elizabeth Shelley is dead. But Jeffrey Franken wants to fix her. He keeps her severed head and other body parts. He decides to resurrect her using disposable sex workers. A sleazy pimp who looks like Freddie Mercury lurks. This was not oddly moving just implicitly horrible. This is all about the terrible consequences of stupid men. Jeffrey Franken invents super-crack and there is sexism and abuse of women and branded hookers and an unfortunate guinea pig.

Women are meat and this is full of sleaze. Hookers explode. Jeffrey Franken brings Elizabeth Shelley back to life as a hodgepodge of hooker parts. She lumbers around, fake slapping people and killing people in Times Square. There is bad acting and a pimp gets got. There is a ridiculous ending to this hugely misogynistic film.

Best Lines:
“Tossed human salad.”

“Death by lawnmower.”

Virgin Witch (1970)
Vicki Michelle stars in this UK ‘horror’ about sisters who want to be models. This is sleaze as the sisters decide to become Satanists. Then it just ends. It was basically sleaze and bad sleaze.

Best Lines:
“Back-street photographers.”

“You silly bitch.”

My Bloody Valentine (1981)
There is unnecessary antagonism and a sex scene in a mine as a bizarrely dressed killer stalks people and kills them with a pick axe. This was bad and the 3D remake was better. This is all about the bygone era of the 80s and mining sustaining a community. Irritating miners mumble and enunciate badly. Something went wrong in the town at a Valentine’s Dance in 1960. TJ (Paul Kelman) is berated for leaving town and failing and coming back.

People don’t know what happened to the bad guy from the 60s. There is bad acting and a woman is fought over like she’s a chocolate bar. Hollis (Keith Knight) a guy who has a moustache from the 18th century jokes. Knit sweaters are worn. There are stark reminders of the past. Relationships have come and gone. I don’t care about their romantic decisions. People try to protect the strength and purity of the small town.

There is furore over a girl’s’ favours. Disrespectful kids yell. Until godless reprisal cuts them down for their sins. I was sure the quiet unassuming TJ was the killer. There is no intensification of the action. Kids have brazen determination to party. There is no solemn delicacy. TJ is all crushed sadness. There is idiocy, a fist fight and a severed head in the freezer gag. The kids go down a mine and so you can’t see what is happening. Poor Hollis. TJ is not the killer. There is no narrative cohesion but there is a nice song over the end credits.

Best Lines:
“He’s my son and he’s working in the mine!”

“What’s going on over in Valentine’s Bluffs?

“First Valentine’s dance in 20 years.”

100 Bloody Acres (2012)
Obnoxious musical festival goers harass a guy into giving them a lift. Too bad for them, he and his brother make organic fertiliser. Which is made from people! Too late the festival goers realise they’re in a real life ‘Wolf Creek’. The brothers have a falling out and this was okay comedy horror.

Best Lines:
“Psycho hillbilly.”

“We’re not psychos alright! We’re small business operators!”

“I’ve seen your type on tv!”
Tags: cult, gotham, movie review, twin peaks

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