epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Jigsaw + Knucklebones + The Evil In Us + WolfCop + V/H/S

Jigsaw (2017)
I haven’t seen beyond the fourth ‘Saw’ film but I read up on some spoilers. How does one person build all these elaborate traps to blight the lives of wrongdoers and who manhandles all those people? Jigsaw is 10 years dead. Callum Keith Rennie plays a bent copper. Meanwhile a game is being played and one of the unlucky victims is Anna (Laura Vandervoort of ’Smallville’, ’Supergirl’ and ’V’) who is resourceful, intelligent, kind, compassionate and level-headed. Or is she?

Tobin Bell looks decrepit and bored. There is mumbling and a woman gets a neck full of syringes. People suffer as an unseen Jigsaw delivers a lot of explanatory context. Blood flies. Kramer’s grave is exhumed but he’s not in it. A woman is a Jigsaw fan and has a warehouse full of stuff including the famous saw from the first film. This is not intriguing.

IA investigates the bent copper. Dubious assertions are made. Jigsaw thinks he has a pious position. There are over-dramatic scenes. Two people are threatened with being buried alive in grain and then pitchforks, knives and blades rain down on them too. This was not absolutely terrifying. Jigsaw has serious intent. The victims are low and dishonest. People babble about the responding cause of their behaviour. Jigsaw takes a moral stance and has severe impact on people. This was soulless incoherence and it is full of ill feeling.

A farm seems to have stood vacant for over 10 years. Anna finds horrific ways to survive, until she doens't. A sequel is set up. Does anyone want any more of this? Jigsaw and his attacks on bad moral character will never ever end. Nothing in this is as horrible as the needle pit in 'Saw II'.

Best Lines:
“Games can be won.”

“Your warehouse of torture devices.”

“Jigsaw’s dead.”
“Is he?”

“Hope not.”

“No, that’s not creepy at all.”

“Came back from the dead?”
“Wouldn’t be his first time.”

“Cheated on my wife. Both of them.”

Knucklebones (2016)
This begins in Germany 1944 with Nazis and nudity. Then it is the 70s and then it is 40 years later. This looks cheap. There is a funnel cake and a thankless child embodying toxic masculinity. A girl is dumped by her boyfriend at the funfair and tries to kill herself. There is bad acting. Various morons then go exploring a haunted factory.

Who are these people and why should I care? There is forced cheerfulness which is a recipe for discontent. A mysterious box is found. It’s a summoning box. They summon a demon and he shows up and bursts out of one girl’s body. It chases them and quips in American English whilst trying to sound like Tobin Bell. Copper thieves show up. There is exposition. There is male gaze and the girl’s ex hooks up with some stripper looking skank. The girl gets revenge and there is slut shaming. This sucked.

The Evil In Us (2016)
This is some kind of cheap looking ‘Cabin In The Woods’ knockoff. This was overlit as idiots socially interact in a remote cabin. Doctored drugs send them mad. This has no inexorable advance of tension and it’s not necessary. This was brain-searing turgidity. The ending scene hints at a better film.

Best Line:
“What it needs is a flame-thrower. Look at those drapes!”

WolfCop (2014)
A drunken cop works in a terrible rundown town in Canada. His name is Lou Garou. Weird stuff happens to him. He undergoes a transformation and becomes a werewolf. There is inclement weather, unaccommodating locals, bizarre occult mythology and Lou has colourful psychological issues. People are blasé about the werewolf thing. There is no amazingness in this. He’s the fuzz aka a crime fighting werewolf. This was underlit and bad. There is a twist and this was incoherent and irremediable. This was no inspiring aspects.

Best Line:
“This town has secrets.”

V/H/S (2012)
The first in the franchise. A group of thugs into taping their campaign of terror that includes sexual assault and vandalism break into a house. This has copious male gaze female nudity. They watch various videotapes of bizarre events. This is tired looking and dull.
Tags: movie review, smallville, v(1983/2009)

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