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Power Rangers (2017)
This film didn’t perform particularly well at all. This starts incoherently with a blue Bryan Cranston and babbling about Zeo Crystals. Rita is mean and Zordon (Cranston) prattles. There is no greater meaning here in this dreary looking mess. Angel Grove looks like a sleazy borough. Football players harass a cow and this is not sharp and witty. A football player, Jacob, is bad, bad. Teens have big mouths and confrontational behaviour.

Zordon does a showy performance with no commanding moral authority. This is not like the TV show. This is an origin story. An ex-cheerleader, Kimberley, hacks at her hair in the bathroom. Loud awful music blares. There is no imperative to care. TPTB have a poor understanding of how human interaction works. Rita’s fished out of the ocean by fishermen. The teens are hit by a train due to their beyond bad choices. They become rangers and are obnoxiously unlikebale and embody all the negative stereotypes by being self-centred and entitled.

This was not devilishly weird and endlessly innovative. There are obvious VFX and they’re negative and manifestations of ignorance. This is not fresh and exciting. It is very frustrating and one feels displeasure at this undesirable mess. This is nonsense and deserves widespread mockery. They swim down a quarry and are pretentious. Do they have to swim down to the quarry every time they want to talk to Zordon?

This is a dismal failure. Selfish teens who deserve antipathy make ill-fated decisions and are callow. This was not darkly humorous. There are no forthright views and nobody tempers their opinions. There is no real depth or charisma. There are dark secrets and a VFX robot aka Alpha 5. This is legacy-tarnishing. The rangers do not gain responsibility or knowledge. They’re kinda murderous. This was not dramatic or enthralling.

This was jarring and not bemusing. There is no everyday tone. Power coins are babbled about. One positively cringes. There is no originality and this was uninteresting and full of rampant silliness. This is not subtle and Rita needs a wash. The self-obliterating twits whine. This is not a witty take on an absurd premise. This was not strangely plausible and it is not tense or clever. The teens are stupid. Cranston is attention grabbing and this is not an epic saga.

This is not powerfully emotional. Rita is not ferociously pursued because the teens are too busy navel-gazing. This film has a muted look and no key character dynamics. Rita has ruthless desires. The teens are lazy and not searching for purpose. A terrifying future is coming not that they care. There is no tense drama and they’re not optimistic or positive. There are no scrunch-bum leggings here just weird costumes that takes ages to show up.

This is not 90s catnip. The boisterous reckless brats slap putties. This is not a cosmic rite of passage. Bad decisions are made and there is no wholesomeness. There is a training montage. Kimberley wears some pink clothing and has a fork fight with Trini. Their parents are quietly fuming. This was annoying, mortifying and taxing. Someone wears a yellow headband. The autistic Billy beats up his bully. This was all idle dawdling and a completely useless time waster. There is no level of zeal for this. This was ridiculous bleakness.

This was not even vaguely amusing. It was misjudged and unbearably dull. How does one ranger die and then revive? Red Ranger Jason bores. There are stupid fights and the old theme song plays as they head into battle in their zords. There is product placement and Rita is a rogue green ranger. This was not frank or decisive. Rita is bitch slapped to the moon. Jason David Frank and Amy Jo Johnson cameo as the megazord stomps around downtown Angel Grove. This was a heinous failure. There is a sequel hook with a mention of Tommy Oliver. There is no deep conviction and it’s so lacking in self-awareness.

Best Lines:
“Now it’s all gone!”

“Sworn to protect life.”

“Weirdoes and criminals.”

“You punched his tooth out.”

“Can you stop touching me now?”

“65 million years. I’ve been very lonely.”

“Protected life.”

“Rita was a ranger too and my friend.”

“Do you have any friends?”



“Never escalate a fight.”

“You can be murdered right.”

“Have the kind of friends they’d want me to have.”

“Humbly walk among your peers.”

“The rangers found their costumes and their dino cars.”

“The great ranger teams before you.”

“I don’t want to find out what the pit is.”

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (2014)
Sean Astin stars in this prequel. He is patient zero in a mysterious facility. Meanwhile a group of dude-bros into toxic masculinity head off on a bachelor party to a deserted island. A moron thinks a woman developing the flesh eating disease is just allergic to something. The 3 dude-bros and 1 dudette scream and yell and act like morons. An infected woman’s arm comes off. This was okay. Ill-humoured types have dogged determination to forever flout sense. Nobody defends humanity and decency. People are deceitful and untrustworthy and have shrill belligerence. There are grim consequences to the disease. This is not gripping or tragic. Two infected women vent grievances. There is wrongdoing and twisted thinking and a cruel ending.

Best Line:

Stitches (2012)
This Irish ‘horror’ has no substantial artistic merit. A foul clown dies during a children’s party. Time passes and the dead clown comes back to life to kill the kids who are now foul teenagers. This was ill-conceived and far from satisfactory. It’s sexist and the teenagers have disregard for the opinion of the world in general. The zombie clown is malevolent and rides a tiny bike. This is utterly unremarkable as he brings despair. This was offensive and has a sequel hook. This was irresponsible and no one cares about retaliatory action by the clown.

Best Lines:
“Pigeon in a tacky frock!”

“You’re easier to get into than community college!”

Last Girl Standing (2015)
This was underlit and dumb as a final girl survives a nutter. This was totally implausible and even her crying is badly acted. This was not searing, raw or incisive. The pain of living is worse than death for her even 5 years later. The inevitable happens. This was a continuous onslaught of boring stupidity.

The Package (2018)
A group of dumb teenagers go hiking. One of them suffers a bad accident whilst playing with a knife and his friends must rush to the hospital with the right cooler. Cue sexism, homophobia, wacky hijinks, comedy injuries and incredulity at the lack of taste.

Best Lines:
“My little brother is crying in there.”

“80s nostalgia wave.”

“Serial killer behaviour.”

“Butt stuff.”


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