epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Sharknado 5 + The Sentinel + Summer Camp + They Live

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017)
Make America bait again! A brat named Gil annoys. There are fake British accents. The heroes visit Stonehenge. There is a homage or two to classic UK horror movies. There are cameos and bad VFX. Olivia Newton-John and Chris Kattan star. Tara Reid can’t act. There are cameos. A ‘Z Nation’ actor is in this. Fabio plays the Pope. Everybody dies and the world is ruined by sharks and then a time travelling Gil (Dolph Lungren) shows up to fix things. This is all contrivances and coincidences that strains internal credibility. This was so so bad and widely abhorred.

Best Lines:
“Sharks ate my family.”

“I thought Nova retired after she rode the Eiffel Tower across the Atlantic.”

“World War Shark!”

“It’s coming! AGAIN!”

“Please do not confront, aggravate, fight, pet or feed the sharks.”

The Sentinel (1977)
I first heard of this movie when it was mentioned in ‘The Burbs’. Chris Sarandon, John Carradine, Jose Ferrer, Ava Gardener, Burgess Meredith, Sylvia Miles, Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Walken, Beverly D’Angelo and Jerry Orbach star. Hideous 70s clothes are worn. This was based on a novel. Michael Winner directed, produced and co-wrote this. A model who can’t act has a boyfriend who wants her to conduct herself in a certain way and produce a certain result.

This was terrible and not genuinely terrifying. Unpersuasively weird things happen. The model recalls her father partaking in some kind of weird orgy which made her self harm. This is a miserable film about miserable people. There are tacky cufflinks and the heroine is a bimbo. A peacock falls into a swimming pool. Was it okay? Dialogue is mumbled. The model moves into a flat of her own and meets a nice neighbour with a bird and a cat. He seems nice. He isn’t. The model’s flat is dark and dated looking. It also does not have a phone.

She has containment of emotion and useless uncaring friends and weirdo neighbours. She and others have homophobia. The building is full of grotesques. This film is gruesomely misconceived. At one point a topless D’Angelo bangs cymbals together. The model whines about her neighbours. Move bitch! She’s then told she has NO neighbours. They don’t exist. There is bad ADR.

The model has a flat reaction to the revelation. She sees a cat eating a bird. Disparate and oblique things happen. The model’s lawyer boyfriend had a wife who died mysteriously, she was his mistress. The model has a history of instability. One is chronically unable to care. A cop (Walken) stands around sneering. A photographer (Goldblum) lurks. There is speculation and assumption. This is not a taunt tale of emotional endurance.

The model’s not beloved. People have undifference to her. This has no artistic edge. It’s a hostile environment for her. There is no faltering chill. This has tonal confusion and creative bewilderment. Nobody has legitimate concerns. There are dark legacies. This was risk adverse. People have plans for the model. There is bad acting which is liability. This is a tedious nightmare.

Tom Berenger shows up at the end. There is wooden acting and the impossibility of events is shrugged off. The model lacks fortitude. This was stupid, stupid and falls into a tawdry abyss. A flat is an entrance to hell. There are great and terrible powers. The model hates the cat. Bitch. The lawyer is damned to eternal hell for having his wife murdered. This was ridiculous. The model ends up in a bad way. What was this all for? Who is the realtor? What was the point?

Best Lines:
“Blind? Well then, what does he look at?”

“Here birdy.”

“The bottle is wrong again!”

“You have an ill-effect on your women.”

“Invent murder theories.”

“Print boys.”

“I’ve rejected Christ.”

“Congregation disbanded and the church torn down.”

“Pleasure in wickedness.”

“She went to a party with 8 dead murderers?”
“Doesn’t everybody?”

“She’s a recluse.”

“Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

Summer Camp (2015)
Americans go to work at a Spanish summer school. Bad things happen. This. Makes. No. Sense. Negative effects make people resentment personified. A mad mountain man pees on a truck. He’s part of a gang of hippies or something. A well is busted. Unsubtitled Spanish is spoken. There is a petting farm. The character’s have the ability to be tiresome and repellent at the same time. There is talking about phone global packages. A dog is rabid or something.

Is this tied into ‘Rec’? Will the stupid camp counsellors SHUT UP? These characters are morons. People attack each other. Will the hysterical rich bitch die? DIE BITCH! They’re not under unwavering pressure. The rich bitch purposefuly misinterprets things. There is social unrest as the unaffected do violent resistance. The madness wears off. Poor Will the hero is abused by idiots and attacked with a drill. Another dumb bitch annoys. This is terrible.

It turns out the water is infected. Poor Will gets infected. Cue catastrophic consequences. Infections wear off again. People face grisly fates. This was nonsensical. People have misapplied confidence. This was appalling; let the self deluded yahoos die. The camp attendee kids show up and get soaked by the sprinklers and so everyone dies. The rich bitch is a bitch. This was piss poor.

Best Lines:
“I don’t want any problems this time.”

“This pollen, it’s everywhere. It wasn’t around last year.”

“We need to get out of here like, like now.”

“I hope you’re wrong.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have worn heels in the woods.”

“People do that kind of thing here?”

“We have to help him!”
“No we don’t!”

They Live (1988)
The late Roddy Piper stars in this John Carpenter ‘classic’ which is not very good. Keith David co-stars. Piper can’t act as the bum with a mullet who gets shirtless. The mad eyed Piper has whimsical charm. People question reality. This was not thoughtful and intricate. Piper wears plaid and stone washed denim. He stumbles across a resistance base. There is an unshakeable sense of dread but that doesn’t make this film good.

Piper is callow as uneasy things happen. This film is near universally beloved, but I found it boring. Piper’s about to make a discovery about the source of human misery and change the course of his life irrevocably. A tent city is smashed up. The resistance are beat down to stunned astonishment. Nothing is subtle. Sunglasses lets Piper see the aliens and their subliminal messages that rule humanity.

Piper punches and shoots aliens. He is not the best actor. There is a really really long hilarious fist fight between Piper and Keith David. There is bad acting. Aliens caused climate change. People shrug off the existence of alien life. Meg Foster plays a baddie. This film has a weird attitude to women. I did not like this.

Best Lines:
“Why do we worship greed?”

“They are turning our atmosphere into theirs.”

“They want benign indifference.”

“Weird stuff.”

“They Live We Sleep.”

“I don’t like this.”

“So you bastards die just like we do.”

“Keep us selfish.”

“We are their cattle. We are being bred for slavery.”
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