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Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016)
I haven’t seen 2 and 3, yet. A sharknado hits Las Vegas precipitating panic and male strippers fight sharks. One actually punches a shark in the face. The VFX is bad and this is a blur of chaos. The first one wasn’t regarded fondly. This one has Cheryl Tiegs, Gary Busey and David Hasselhoff. Tara Reid has superpowers now. Jedward show up. There is more bad acting and more mutant tornados. A cow flies. There is power walking and product placement and cameos by Carrot Top and Gilbert Gottfried. This was stupid yet better than ‘The Meg’.

Best Lines:
“Curiously this time is sand based.”

“Olympic worthy.”

“We have to blow up the Grand Canyon!”


Deathgasm (2015)
This low budget New Zealand horror comedy sees a metalhead move to a new school where he befriends nerds and another metalhead and thus a calamitous situation and events get set in motion. They start a band and encounter a former metal star while engaging in disruptive behaviour. They encounter a graver threat. There is overacting, mumbling and undying antipathy by bullies. The 4 socially maladjusted types have to face off with various baddies. This tries for comedy and artistic weirdness and has a curious charm at first.

There is mysterious sheet music. Unremitting attacks lead to long lasting consequences. As the movie goes on it becomes absolutely horrible as a demon apocalypse unfolds. The Medina sub-plot bores. Blood flies and this is puerile and underlit. People’s tendency to rebel can go awry. After the dramatic introduction it peters out as a demon and its ideological supporters lurk. Also women take their tops off for no clear reason.

Best Lines:
“Went on a massive meth bender.”

“He thought Ricky Martin was hip.”

“He’s hospitalised more nerds than asthma.”

“Keeps trying to baptise me in my sleep.”

“They sprayed us with piss! Again!”

“He hates you too.”

“When’s the devil’s hour?”
“Wait 3Am pacific or Eastern time? Do demons recognise Daylight Savings?”


Termination Point (2007)
Jason Priestly and Lou Diamond Phillips and Garwin Sanford star in this 90s looking scifi movie. A scientist (Phillips) invents a device that could have potentially catastrophic effects. Special agent Caleb Smith (Priestly) ignores his family and fights destructive attitudes. Phillips shows off his beard.

People yell down old phones and Caleb tries to be tough, Made up computer technology is used. A scientist stole technology and brought it onto a plane. There is really bad VFX and bad acting as the tech goes awry on said plane. There is babble about teleportation and Caleb goes hysterical. There is talk of null space and another dimension and time travel and the chronology bending plot bores. This was fulsomely dull. It’s like a bad ripoff of Stephen King’s ‘The Langoliers’.

Best Lines:
“A catastrophe of universal proportions.”

“Fighter incept.”

Exam (2009)
Colin Salmon and Gemma Chan feature in this 5 minutes into the future movie about a job interview from hell. There are dark times in the future and 8 people have 80 minutes to prove their worthiness for a job. They are given blank pages and have to figure out the answer to an unknown question. No character is given a name only a nickname. The confusing time critical situation kicks off. People cannot and will not co-operate and there is lamentable criticism and no moral guardianship.

There is dissent and naked opportunism and no moral concerns. People gets deeply angry and this is consistently fine as nasty, mean, petty, seemingly ordinary people get intense as they want that job. A chav is properly evil. Needlessly stupid types are uncritical Chilling admissions are made. A mysterious pandemic is raging outside causing accumulative stress.

Criticism is stifled. This is not absolutely terrifying as there is a culture of acceptance and immovable attitudes and devastating consequences. This is a devastating indictment of the rat race. Some people are wholly dismissive of sense and people are unconcerned with morals. There are no constructive relations just retaliatory acts. This becomes a theatre of the absurd

There is no logic as there is continued arrogance and complete disregard by the chav. There is aggressive language. The job interview turns into an ethical minefield. There is no moral code, but there is long term disaster. The character who gets the job turns out to be the one who is uniquely alone and emotionally arctic. This was an okay tale of unchecked bad behaviour. Desire for the job turns everyone feral with internal conflict and off-centred minds. Which was intended. But what will the unbearable hopeless suffering lead to?

Best Lines:
“How hard can they afford to make it?”

“Pawns of the god.”

“What did you just do?”

“They deserve you.”

“Unanticipated dilemmas.”

Scary Movie V (2013)
No wonder they haven’t made a 6th one. This spoofs various forgotten movies, badly. This was stupid and unceremonious and catastrophically bad and oddly is unceasingly amusing. Kinship patterns are disrupted when a couple take in 3 creepy children with terrifying consequences.

Anna Farris isn’t in this. Opportunistic and self-regarding types lurk. This was not tightly structured or grippingly paced. There are sinister schemes and people’s integrity is constantly placed under threat. This has the structural integrity of candyfloss. There are emotional disasters all round as there is perfunctory characterization and clunking dialogue in this self-satisfied movie.

Best Lines:
“You lucky slut.”

“How’s your sister?”
“Dead. Demon killed her.”

“Deserve parents who aren’t decomposing.”

What Lies Beneath (2000)

Horror Express (1972)
Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Telly Savalas star in this UK/Spanish 'horror'. There is sexism as an alien thaws out on a steam-train. A Rasputin like monk prances. There are wildly inaccurate medical claims. Jerks are imperilled by the alien life form. This was dull with a bizarre ending.

Best Lines:
“Whatever you have here is UNHOLY!”

“Even the dog knows it.”

“I have heard of evolution. It’s immoral.”

“Monster? We’re British you know.”

The Meg (2018)
This is not an intense, juddering drama. Nor is it a doom woven spoof. The hero tries for glowering intensity and real acting as people take on a prehistoric shark in this unforgivably boring, stupid movie. This is a grim torrent of crap that doesn’t have really intense stakes.

Children Of God (1994)
This Channel 4 documentary focuses on a family who escaped the Children Of God cult. The reporters interrogate them rudely about the brainwashing and sexual abuse they suffered. The cult was a sex cult led by a perv who wanted sex tapes, banned education and only rowed back on some extreme practices for fear of AIDS.

The cult didn’t maintain hope. Christ was supposed to return in 1993. The cult is still going having changed its name. Contraception was banned. The family are emotional and heartfelt as they talk about flirty fishing and stripteases and face slut shaming. Medicine and education was banned. One of the family’s children died of Lupus. There was more abuse and some parts are unclear. What happened to the father of the family?

Best Lines:
“Capture the world for Jesus.”

“His woman.”

“Doomed to destruction.”

“3 sheets of toilet paper. No more.”

“Why hasn’t Simon left?”

“Daddy said no.”

“Not allowed to read books.”

“Share your body.”


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