6 Movie Reviews

This is a ludicrously camp TV movie bio-pic which is full of bad acting, corgis, ridiculous English accents, celebrity look-alikes and vintage footage.

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In this almost intentionally bad ‘horror’, people with bad hairdos and worse dress sense get involved in a frankly preposterous but deadly serious plot. There is nudity and violence against women. This was sleazy and full of the most appalling behaviour. This takes gleeful relish in smut and lacks purpose and is charmless and devoid of merit.

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Earth is doomed and a rich man backs a space programme to fly a handful of survivors in a rocket to a new world. They say information analyser, not computer. A star and a new planet are entering the solar system. Heat and gravity are not really mentioned. People scoff at the plans to build a rocket to land survivors on the new world. Will the rogue star and planet keep on going? Will it be safe to live on?

The rocket is referred to once as Noah’s Ark. It will cost millions to build. People don’t know the atmosphere or gravity of the new world. Only 40 people, machinery and some livestock will be taken to the new world. Everyone and everything else will be left to die. Is that even a minimum viable population?

Billions will die and nobody seems that bothered. The rocket will launch via a mile long slide. Does only 1 rocket launch or are others being built in other countries? Men are engineers, women are technicians and the rocket looks like a toy. Women turn books into microfilm. How are people to read it? They bring the Bible, an anatomy book, a math book, an Encyclopaedia, a book on agriculture and the story of mankind in microfilm. They bring chickens, goats, horses, sheep and a dog and that seems to be it.

A rich evil cripple pays for the rocket. There is sexism and various idiots don’t think panic will kick in. People take the minimum responsibility. People talk about god and costal cities are evacuated. NY is a ghost town. This is not unpredictable, tense or uplifting. There is disaster and stuff blows up and falls down. This was ultimately forgettable. There are radio calls for help.

People look at a drowned city. There are no children on the rocket bar one who was saved from a submerged house. The ‘hero’ is negative and horrible. Plasma and medical supplies are loaded on the ship. This makes its irrelevance clear. There is no sense of enhanced risk. People deem detached and dead eyed. They plan to chloroform all the animals. How?

Nobody seems overwhelmed. One man chosen for the rocket decides to stay behind when his woman isn’t chosen. Then they get to go anyway. For some reason the rich man didn’t get a ramp built so he could roll himself onto the rocket. So the rocket launches without him. When the survivors walk off the rocket it is into a matte painting that looks like a cartoon. Why are there pyramids and a stone structure on the new world?

How was there oxygen and gravity on the rocket? Why did people listen to cod reassurances? This was deficient. The rocket flies like a plane through space. There are irreversible consequences. Where is the rubble from Earth? The rocket is flown via huge switches. People refuse to cede defeat. The kid had cloying cuteness. Building an ark is a magnificent achievement. But this film is inconsequential and not charming or delightful.

This was not lively or vital. This tries for real and serious. What are their survival strategies? People are beatific about landing/gliding to a new world. The ship lands like a plane. Did it even have a heat shield? They land in snow and yet walk out to a green field and not an unswervingly hostile environment. Why are they all in brown robes? They have no pressure suits. This was profoundly flawed and the doom-monger was right.

The avaricious rich dude and all the people not chosen for the ark and everyone else are dead. Nobody cares. The stray dog that was brought along has puppies. I hope they haven’t brought rabies to a new world. The rich evil cripple had fist shaking comic villainy. The new world is seriously unconvincing. There is no moral cost and no narrative drive or energy. Awful events were ignored. This was dull and very, very dated.

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An artist berates her husband and bad-mouths his anniversary gift. Then she treats his father’s death like a holiday as they visit an island summer house which has service quarters. They are rude to the handyman and accuse him of murdering the father. Then they insult the police and fire the handyman as well as physically assault him and hurl accusations. The couple are jerks and deserve every bad thing that is coming for them. They are rude to locals and this was just terrible.

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Colin Firth stars in this true story playing an investigator on the West Memphis 3 defence team. Some of this film is narrated by one of the 3 young murder victims. What were TPTB thinking? Who was the mysterious bleeding man seen in a restaurant on the day the murders happened? Why to this day has he never been identified? Reese Witherspoon plays the mother of one of the missing boys. The police are inept.

This was inglorious and the police don’t wear gloves whilst working the crime scene. When one body is found, it is meant to be sad but sadness is undercut by the fact the body is obviously a doll. People think their condemnation of the three suspects is justified as is their ranting about a satanic cult. People utter crazed sounding outrageous accusations about the suspects. Firth does a bad US accent.

The police woefully fail to do anything. No wonder this case had a transformative impact on people. Those with spurious respectability do incomprehensible babbling about satan. There is an enabling of hostility toward Damien because he dresses in black and listens to loud weird music and has an interest in music. The satanic panic is in full on mode. There is pent up bile by extremely nasty people.

Damien has a son?!? Damien irritates people on purpose. This does not endear him to rednecks. The judge coldly assesses them and deliberately directs the case so Damien and co will be convicted. Their cause has unfading relevance. The investigator is the entire centre of attention. Lawyers are useless and nobody really looks into the unexplained, suspicious circumstances around one stepfather.

Awful connotations are made. The 3 suspects are in a difficult situation. Rednecks are particularly aggressive and people are insistent on Damien’s guilt. This pychodrama bores. Damien resolutely refuses to behave. A stepfather has casual indifference. The 3 pay a savage price for being different and their futures were swept aside. Damien is seen as a malign influence by ridiculously unreasonable types. Prejudice lead inexorably to grim consequences.

The legal system connives. This was not an absorbing narrative. The judge was useless and there is antagonism and unrestrained anger and dispiriting legal antics. The 3 suspects got disconcerting and shameful treatment. Sadly this film is inept. Firth flits around in a rarefied position. Damien chases meaning. Rex Linn, Bruce Greenwood, Stephen Moyer, Martin Henderson, Elias Koteas and Kristoffer Polaha co-star.

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There is a virgin pregnancy by a teen girl. This is investigated by a creepy priest. People slut shame and harass the girl and try to attack her in the street while laughing. A crow caws in a church. Sela Ward is in this as a nun who is patronised by priests. Something called polio-venice kills people. There is a second virgin pregnancy and one is god’s child and one is the antichrist. But which is which? The second teen girl is also bullied by idiots. A jock is mean, the nun cracks up and people orate. There is a twist and exposition. The final scene seems to set up a sequel. There is naff VFX but this was okay. They don't make tv movies like this anymore.

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