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8 Movie Reviews

The Ninth Gate (1999)
People babble and mumble about a book with a satanic riddle that when performed will summon up the prince of darkness. A book dealer (Johnny Depp) and his unforgiving personality is sent to downtown Europe to find the only authentic copy of it. He bends events to his own advantage. This was adapted from a book which was far better. There is dated technology and things happen that are devastating to people’s reputations. There is a ridiculous sex scene. People have absurd grievances. This was a silly fanciful fabrication of bored people with spiritual aridity who are affronted by mysterious doom and enforce their own tragedy. This goes nowhere whilst talking about a lot.

Best Lines:
“I want you to get it for me. At all costs. Never mind how.”
“Never mind how sounds illegal.”

“This book is designed to raise the devil.”

“I’ve a great deal of money.”
“I’m very happy for you.”

~
REC 3 Genesis (2012)
This was a deeply stupid Spanish zombie horror set at a wedding. This seems to exist only so a bride can stride purposefully around armed with a chainsaw.

~
Straight Outta Compton (2015)
This is a bio-pic of the incendiary NWA group as it rises and falls. It stars O’Shea Jackson Jr playing his father Ice Cube. There is constant swearing and violence. They make music that causes a moral panic. Suge Knight shows up. There are injurious encounters, Snopp Dogg, public hatred, contempt and ridicule, a whiff of indecency, unfulilment and uneasy contact.

People are deeply unlovely and do unbearably painful and sad things. People are deeply unsympathetic. Raw lyrics are bellowed. This is very pleased with itself. People are deeply irritating and this was all kinds of awful. There is witless cruelty, violence, emotional inadequacy and fundamentally dangerous types. An intimidating and hostile man has nefarious power.

Nobody initiates dialogue; there are robust approaches and ingrained bias. There are darker themes and vacuous type and riots. This was ponderous and not gloriously silly. People become increasingly infuriated. This was unapologetically goofy with lots of partying. There is talk of stolen money. This was largely unsuccessful. There is death and unironic idealism. There was a lack of interest in the protagonists having a character arc. Paul Giamatti is in this.

Best Lines:
“I want the best for me too.”

“What’s up with?”

“Gang bang them books.”

“I got my woman and baby.”

“Gimme my money!”

“I always knew that he was a hateful human being.”

“Level 3 prison yard.”

“Go to jail forever.”

“Making the fans choose between us.”

~
Edward Scissorhands (1994)
No.

~
Dressed To Kill (1980)
Angie Dickinson and Michael Caine and Nancy Allen star in this. A woman with a bubble perm has a son. There is dubious sex and dated technology and you can see where ‘Basic Instinct’ borrowed from this. Angie Dickinson walks around an art museum in her clicky clicky shoes. There is laughable creepy sex. This plays like a parody. This was DUMB.

Dickinson gets slashed with a straight razor in an elevator and just stands there being murdered. Allen is a witness and acts dumbly. Dickinson has been punished for being a snare of the devil and committing sexual sin. This was not vicious fun. This was emotionless and unsatisfying and it has a thirst for relevance. There is mention of an evil trans woman. There is bad acting and Dickinson’s son spies and lurks. Where is Dickinson’s husband? There is slut shaming. Allen plays a call girl and becomes a suspect because she is a call girl. People talk dirty and there is 70s grime. Allen spends a prolonged scene in her underwear. There is an obvious ‘twist’ and sexism and bigotry. This was crap.

Best Lines:
“Was she looking to get killed?”

“You’re not a psycho.”

“Park Avenue whore. But you’re still a whore.”

“Classy arrest.”

“Is that supposed to be concern in your voice?”

“Emotional assistance.”

~
Train To Busan (2016)
This Korean zombie horror bores. A biotech facility has a leak. There are subtitles, zombie deer and a visibly weary man has no care or focus for his child. There is blind panic and zombies falling though glass and zombies falling off a helicopter and getting up to chase people. The ‘hero’ is a jackass who has an inability to like himself. This caused no sufficient interest.

~
Pandemic (2016)
This low budget zombie film is wholly incapable. People act like they’ve got snakes in their heads. This forlorn affair becomes increasingly irrelevant.

Best Lines:
“4 levels of infection.”

“No wonder New York fell.”

~
The Philadelphia Experiment 2 (1993)
A bleated sequel to the forgettable original. There is mumbling, bad lighting, a stealth bomber, bad acting and the ‘hero’ berates his small child an doesn‘t listen. A mad scientist messes around with the Philadelphia Experiment tech and changes history so the Nazis won. There is dated tech and exposition. The bad guy is the son of a Nazi scientist. No comment. Ride of the Valkyries plays, but of course it does. Alaska is free? Nobody is morally redeemable. Things spectacularly sour. People have the brains of dead trouts. None of this makes any sense.

Best Lines:
“Uninformed of our plans.”

“I am special circumstance.”
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