epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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12 Movie Reviews

Love & Friendship (2016)
This Lady Austen adaptation sees Lady Susan move in with relatives and inflict misery and strife on others. Huge hats are worn. This was boring. Lady Susan’s limited social circumstances lead to deliberate and purposeful dishonesty. The morally reprehensible Lady Susan triumphs as she ferments grievance and is deplorable and achieves a sheen of acceptability. She has wilful distain for social disapproval. Those around her make no reasoned decisions. This tries to be forcefully ironic but just bores

Best Lines:
“The paying of wages would be offensive to us both.”

“A Vernon will never go hungry.”

“I have no money and no husband.”

“How sincerely do I grieve that she ever entered this house.”

“The death of our reputations.”

“Said in your disfavour.”

“Untrusting disposition.”

“May his next gouty attack be a severe one.”

West Of Memphis (2012), part 2
Peter Jackson was involved in the quest for justice. It is revealed that Terry Hobbs a possible suspect wasn’t interviewed by the police until 2007. There are inexplicable DNA results. The legal system is staunchly against the West Memphis 3 and won’t admit a possible mistake. It is notoriously difficult to overturn a wrongful conviction. The legal system had total opposition to the WM3 despite widespread acceptance of their innocence.

Damien married Lorri who has emotional identification with him. There is furious debate about the case and people fight for a new trial. They never got one. If not for the publicity, Damien would be dead and the other two forgotten. A judge refuses to accept new evidence. Johnny Depp was involved in the case as were Patti Smith, Eddie Vedder, Henry Rollins and The Dixie Chicks.

Terry Hobbs has a history of violence and abuse. Why did nobody wonder if he did it in 1993? There are ruined lives, knife evidence, sightings and Terry Hobbs’ estranged friend David Jacoby mumbles. There is talk of mysterious laundry and cleaning and LA Gear tennis shoes. There are disputes.

Damien was in supermax. Why? This good if infuriating documentary ends with the WM3 accepting an Alford plea to be released after 18 years in jail. There is a head tattoo, freedom from an unjust conviction and the legal system still won’t admit they were wrong. This was sad.

Best Lines:
“Didn’t have the atmosphere of a serious interrogation.”

“Post conviction DNA exonerations.”

“Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.”

“Always undervalued him.”

“Hack writer.”

“Wouldn’t hear the new evidence.”

“Hid in the closet.”

“Describe your reputation.”

“Pretty good man.”

“Fighting and screaming and hollering.”

“So, ew.”

“He don’t love me.”

“All murder is horrible.”

“When did he get it?”

“Wasn’t alive anymore.”

“Offering any explanation.”

“Did a little walking.”

“In deep crap.”

“Gotta be a happy ending.”

“Literally is done.”

“DNA action.”

“Finality of judgements.”

“Sick of seeing him on the news.”

“On our side, finally.”

“Clawed from unforgiving rock.”

San Andreas (2015)
Dwayne Johnson stars in this and gets a hero entrance. A rescue of a bimbo almost goes awry. There is a mad professor and the hero’s mean cheating wife is divorcing him for the git from ‘Ringer’ and ‘Century City’ who has malicious purposes. There is VFX chaos. There are dull heroics. This is full of untalented actors and is of no human interest.

Best Line:
“Cute not bright.”

“The San Andreas fault runs right up the spine of California.”

“Who should we call?”

Dark Feed (2013)
This was cheap looking and full of bad acting and talky scenes and cheap gore. All the bad stylistic choices make this a critical pariah.

Static (2012)
Sarah Shahi and Milo Ventimiglia and William Mapother star in this rubbish. There is staring and mumbling and a girl comes to a couple’s house saying she was followed. Underlit crap happens. People menace them. There is a dumb ass twist. One has a baleful response to this crude tale of psychological pressure.

Devil’s Pass aka The Dyatlov Pass Incident (2013)
Students visit Russia to make a documentary about a mysterious real life event that happened in 1959. Renny Harlin directs this taste free film. The 3 students go missing in the Urals and their footage was found and released by hackers called Conspira-Leaks. This was found footage? But then the final twist makes no sense.

The non-linear alarming narrative reveals an anxious climate. The ugly Americas harass people and are crude, rude and brash. They trespass and none of them learnt any Russian or even bought a phrase book. They’re doomed by tragic fate. There are mysterious footprints and a meaningful background event. The opportunistic documentary makers ignore radiation and annoy with tenacity. Nobody is worthy, honest or credible. There was potentially troublesome weirdness and no deep concern for safety.

This was interesting with lacklustre acting. An existential threat lurks as does disquiet. This was not vivid. Seething people run around the plot which gets stodgy toward the end. There is no real compelling reason for the final scenes. This was not ambitious or innovative. The idiots ignore the disturbing reality and have an escalating level of distress. There is suspicion and anger and bad acting.

There is a lab and a mention of The Philadelphia Experiment. All the promise of the 1st half is thrown away as the ending is fantastically witless. There is no amusing dramatic conflict. This does not thrive on discord. This starts out okay but is bestially meaningless. This causes dissatisfaction. People have flat and distant eyes and they’re unfulfilled. This is a feel bad film with not wit or real fun.

This was not emotionally draining and the filmmakers have disastrous results from their stupidity. This was not inexpressibly sad. Compassion is not cranked up. The filmmakers howl with despair and are wreckers of civilization. There is no eerie quietness in the snow. They’re not calmly observant. The ending is undramatic and there is no severe contentment or eerie theatricality just petulant idiots and an un-enigmatic ending. This was utterly soulless, pointless, joyless and depressingly mediocre. The cruel twist makes no sense.

Best Lines:
“There is no truth.”

“The Mountain Of The Dead. Seriously.”

“Come on Ivan, the cold war’s over.”

“Unmarked bottle of doom.”

“Not a bad omen at all.”

“I’m not talking about yetis!”

“It’s not a freaking yeti!”

“In the middle of the street, screaming about demons.”

“Calmly froze to death.”

“What’s wrong with the map?”
“We shouldn’t be here yet.”

“There’s a door!”

“It’s in the middle of a mountain!”
“That locks from the outside. It’s designed to keep something in.”

“Unknown compelling force.”

“Soviet engineered superman.”

“Not the government. Not theirs.”

“Didn’t know what they were screwing with.”

“People weren’t meant to do these things.”

Anastasia: The Mystery Of Anna (1986)
This dated history TV movie is a bio-pic of Anna Anderson. It is okay and hints she was Grand Duchess Anastasia, now of course thanks to DNA we know she wasn’t.

Lavalantula (2015)
This okay comedic action film stars Steven Guttenberg and Nia Peebles taking on lava spitting spiders from the Earth’s core or something. This is not violent and dramatic or of enormous significance as tough events happen to a washed up star and his sports bra wearing wife. There is bad VFX and no atmosphere of malice.

The has-been faces widespread scorn and condescension. Peebles fights a fire spitting lava spider in her sports bra. The characters escape their stagnant emotional wretchedness in this non-harrowingly brutal film. LA types are jaded by horrors and disasters and have no appropriate response. There is an un-amusing cameo. This was okay and better than several of Dwayne Johnson's latest opus'.

Best Lines:
“I can’t do a bug movie!”

“Make sure you don’t get dead.”

“Hit that with something heavy.”

“A video box? Did you just time travel here from the 90s?”

“That’s not really nice.”

“A frigging cockroach movie!”

“I’m better than this crap.”
“No you’re not!”

Gaga: Five Foot Two (2017)
This boring documentary focuses on Lady Gaga as she promotes her Joanne album. There is indiscernible dialogue, Mark Ronson, ugly clothes and fried hair. Lady Gaga smokes something a lot and doesn’t like Madonna. There is a mention of Anna Nicole Smith. Lady Gaga talks about herself and her record company and wears short shorts. She has pain, make up is put on her ass, she takes pills and is injected in the ass. She appears on ‘American Horror Story’ and this was so very boring. There is nothing much distinctive about this. It does not maintain coherence. She’s topless at one point and does the Superbowl half-time show. She doesn’t radiate confidence and is rancorous and has status anxiety.

Best Lines:
“Triggerpoint injections.”

“Janet Jackson nipple covers.”

Mission Impossible: Fallout (2018)
There are obvious plots twists, death, fights, stunts, a woman who looks like Lady Gaga, pretty scenery, wannabe sober themes, cold desolate settings and Ethan Hunt’s now ex-wife is packed off and there is a fight in a toilet. Obvious baddies have malign impact and the plot makes no sense and Ethan Hunt messes up a lot. The Syndicate has become The Apostles or something. Watching these characters self-involved melodrama was purgatorial.

Phantasm (1979)
Okay if not exactly memorable. Also it is very 1970s.

The Windmill Massacre (2016)
Various annoying tools visit a windmill. Nothing of note happens. NOTHING.
Tags: century city, mission impossible, movie review, roanoke

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