epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: The Colony + Bermuda Tentacles + Wish Upon + Solarbabies

The Colony (2015)
In 1973 Chile, a dumb couple (Emma Watson and Daniel Bruhl) get involved in the coup and then a cult. There is babbling and exposition and bad acting and mumbling and a cult leader with an authoritarian grip. This was idiocy.

Best Line:
“Get up and live.”

Bermuda Tentacles (2014)
This is what Linda Hamilton is reduced to? There is bad vfx as Air Force One crashes into the Bermuda Triangle. Rescuers find an underground cave and there are monsters and aliens that provoke concerns. This is like a bad ‘Seaquest DSV’ ep.

Best Lines:
“Air assets.”

“An airplane graveyard.”


“Non-terrestrial life.”

“People will die, including us.”

Wish Upon (2017)
This opens with an Orion logo, didn’t they go bust? This terrible film is full of awful people. The vile heroine Claire has a dumpster diving crazed hoarder father (a slumming Ryan Phillippe). Bad dad finds a magic Chinese wishing box in a bin. Elisabeth Rohm and Sherilyn Fenn flit in and out of this movie.

Claire learns that whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein when she wishes on the wishing box which turns out to have a demon in it. Claire catfights with the school mean girl Darcie. Claire wishes Darcie would rot, which she does via bad make up. There is a price which starts with Claire’s dog dying. For her next wish, an old dude dies.

Claire shrieks at her hoarding dad. She becomes rich. Fenn is killed by a garbage disposal. Her father randomly plays the sax. There is a silly backstory to the wishing box. Claire shrugs off people dying for her blood price wishes. Her friends point out her awfulness. This slow and inefficient film was inspired by ‘The Monkey’s Paw’. People are adversely affected. There is no searing insight. Be careful what you wish for.

There is indisputable evidence that a demon is loose but Claire could care less. There is an elevator crash and OTT acting and no way to resolve disputes. There is a cameo by Jerry O’Connell and Claire finally decides to act when she learns the ultimate price for being granted 7 wishes. Illogic abounds: why didn’t they get a security system? Nobody noticed the tax issue sooner? How did someone fall down the stairs? Why does Claire have any friends with the way she treats them? Her father and his friend chainsaw a brand while standing on a chair which leads to death. There is a crazy wish and even more illogic. There is a twist moralistic ending to cap off this terrible film.

Best Lines:
“Had to amputate her toes.”

“Psycho bitch.”

“If there’s a will, trust me, we’re not in it.”

“We live in a fricking mansion! What else do you need?”

“It’s messed up.”

“You’re not that special.”

“Swore a music box had destroyed her family.”

“How is there a but?”

Solarbabies (1986)
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Tags: movie review

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