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Designated Survivor 2x09-2x15+White Collar 3x01-3x04+The Handmaid’s Tale 2x13+Quantico 3x07 Reviewed

Three-Letter Day
Kirkman hands out letters. Alex is in trouble and she grows stupider by the episode. Reed Diamond guest stars and may be running for office. A Death Row inmate is helped. Seth is a jackass. Secrets and lies are revealed. Alex and her Cinderella hair demands special treatment. Hannah suspects MI6 guy. This was inept.

Best Lines:
“Indicator species.”

“Staking his professional credibility.”

“Manifest injustice.”

“Ketamine sting gone bad.”

“Solar compass.”

“Spatial memory.”

“Rare designer drug back in 2001.”

“Pretty worthless when he was alive.”

Line Of Fire
There is a massive fire in a National Park. The White House has a public engagement department? A cult called The Church Of The Witnesses Of The Covenant refuse to excavate federal land during the fire at Christmas. They have issues over a medical case.
Alex is snotty and refuses to admit she did wrong. Reed Diamond and Dillon Casey and Kristoffer Polaha of ‘Ringer’ and Emma Bell guest star. Alex is of questionable stability. MI6 guy is not popular.

The new guy bullies a child choir. Alex testifies. There are endless scenes about the sickly child needing surgery. TPTB make Reed Diamond a bad guy. FFS. Alex rants self-righteously. Hannah doesn’t listen to sense. MI6 guy nearly dies. Alex and her family get away with their crap. Alex is hit by a truck. Hilarious! A truly bad cover version of Only You plays.

Best Lines:
“As good as lost.”

“Can leave but won’t.”

Grief
Some time has passed. Kirkman sees a shrink. Alex was killed by a trucker who was texting. No conspiracy here. Wouldn’t the car have withstood the hit from the truck? Hannah is on probation. No-one misses MI6 guy. The White House obsesses over Cuba. There is a hostage situation and a made up Cuban leader. The White House advises invading Cuba. Emily whines. There are flashbacks to the brats finding out Alex is dead. Leo brats. There is plotting. Kirkman menaces the killer of his wife. This was dull. MI6 guy resurfaces.

Best Line:
“Unresolved emotion.”

The Final Frontier
Kim Raver guest stars in this ep which is not suspense-filled. Kirkman displays hostility. The White House git displays implacable hostility towards a tech-entrepreneur (Raver). MI6 guy man-spreads. There are unwieldy conversations and no emotional depth. MI6 guy has fallen into disrepute. Hannah’s constantly trashy. The ISS is in peril from a hacker.

Aaron is oafish. MI6 guy is purposefully cryptic. Hannah is jaw-droopingly dumb. This ep is inherently frustrating. Hannah is resentment fuelled. Kirkman has melodramatic solemnity. Hannah is cold and rigid and prickly and has become intensely unlikeable and utterly charmless. MI6 guy has a seedy past. There is no dignity and humility.

New guy whines about unfulfilled dreams and promises. The plot is uproariously improbable. Kirkman’s daughter has malaise and dissatisfaction. Nobody is nagged by unease. This was alarmingly trivial and full of astonishing banality. Hannah manifestly fails. This was full of sap and Kirkman is a moron. The White House staff are jackasses. The jerk makes a spectacle of himself. The footage of Kirkman menacing Alex’s killer in jail gets leaked.

Best Lines:
“Over-caution.”

“No hurt plan.”

Original Sin
The video of Kirkman menacing the man who killed his wife is a national scandal. There is a sitdown protest in the White House. Kirkman is blamed for displacing people. Kirkman’s useless brother shows up. Nigel Bennett of ‘Forever Knight’ guest stars. The hacker is the big bad du jour. Hannah is dumb and MI6 guy is in peril. Russians mutter about MI6 guy. Kirkman’s brother is an ass. Where was he when Kirkman got shot on live television?!? A laptop blows up. Kirkman’s brother (the Roger Clinton of the family) whines. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“God I hate the free press.”

“Opposition was beyond him.”

“More freedom than you deserve.”

In The Dark
Kirkman looks for a VP. The new guy is rude to the Japanese. His racism and rudeness is shrugged off. There’s a power cut. There is a clue in the hacker code. MI6 guy vanishes. Kirkman faces off with annoying people. There is sap. New guy gets away with his garbage behaviour. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“National debt clock is never going to reverse.”

“Principled opposition.”

Summit
A North Korea expy does a missile test and the leader’s son defects and wants his girlfriend helped. Hannah the only FBI agent in the USA snots. Kim Raver guest stars. Emily wants people to sign loyalty oaths. What does new guy actually do? The White House deals with leaks. Kirkman gets a girlfriend (Raver). New guy annoys. Hannah berates the defector. Seth berates. Why are we supposed to feel sorry for new guy? The ex-POTUS Moss is the leak. Moss berates Kirkman. This was okay. Emily breaks up with Seth for dumb reasons. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“What are you afraid of?”
“Him.”

~
On Guard
Neal and Mozzie have the stolen u-boat art. Peter annoys. Neal carries on criminal consulting. There is exposition and no flair or imagination. Peter annoys. There is no moral contagion or emotional debate or moral standpoint. Neal has forgotten his dead girlfriend. Neal’s new girlfriend Sara and her call girl hair bores. Peter never has great confidence and trust in Neal.

Matt Bomer, Tim DeKay and Hilarie Burton star. One feels pure unrelenting hatred for Peter. There are misperceptions. Peter is an enemy of individual thought. Peter has no legal consideration. Neal wears a hipster hat. Peter’s podgy wife goes on about art deco. Peter acts illogically. There is fencing. Why doesn’t Neal take off his ruined tie?

There is plotting. Mozzie whines. Neal strains credibility. There is a clash of wits and trust. Neal was prepared to leave Sara without a look back. He shrugs that off. Everyone overlooks the fact that the Nazi loot is stolen. There is stupidity. Peter sneaks around Neal’s place. Peter obtains the u-boat manifest. This was okayish.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     
Best Lines:
“Uncanny ability to wreck expensive cars.”

“French grip.”

“What if it didn’t burn?”

Where There’s A Will
Peter and Neal look into a forged will. Peter badmouths Neal constantly. The will leads to a treasure map. Mozzie sets up a treasure cam. There are new opening credits and exposition flies. William Sadler, Anna Chlumsky and Danny and Chris Masterson guest star. Danny Masterson’s acting hasn’t improved since ‘That 70’s Show’.

Peter babbles about the u-boat’s manifest. No one talks about the art’s original owners. Peter acts like he is on Mescaline. Mozzie acts blind. There is a kidnapping and a planetarium and a centuries old book. A book is ruined, walls are knocked down and this was unsubtle and dumb. Neal finds out about the manifest. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Ripped from a Salinger novel.”

“Distress text.”

“Nothing illicit is afoot at the sundial.”

“Everything points to something.”

“Mrs suit.”

“You are art crimes.”

“Tulip tree stock.”

“I like the idea of stars.”

Deadline
Peter asks Diana to translate the manifest. Helen, a bitchy journalist is in peril and she fires her PA. Diana goes undercover as her new PA and uses her real Manchester accent. Neal gets his shirt off. Sara lurks and wears hooker heels. Helen is awful. Neal goes on about high quality paper stock. Diana slaves for her boss. Who talks like these people? This was not extremely competent. Neal is plotted against. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“Contraband cheese.”

“Put the hel in Helen.”

“I shredded the garbage. The feds like to rummage.”

“You’re overqualified and too old.”

“Give Prozac to her parrot.”

“I want new locks. The kind the White House have.”

“Covert recall.”

Dentist Of Detroit
This is full of boring flashbacks to Mozzie’s childhood and has a wasted guest appearance by Ernie Hudson. How do Mozzie and Neal afford the unlivability of Manhattan? The Detroit mob is in town, they have Kierkegaardian soul sickness. Things go hideously wrong. This was not whimsical, just full of depressingly hackneyed narrative turns.

Mozzie tries for reliably peculiar but is just boring. Peter is still plotting unpleasantly to bring about Neal’s downfall. There are unsurprising revelations. This was not pacey and bores despite its pretty packaging. This was satisfactory and was over-complicated by plot developments. Mozzie is increasingly desperate.

Detroit mobsters take an arrogant stance. There is no carefully constructed plan. Neal has a gleeful willingness to be bad. The mobster is obviously meant to be a bad person and the ep presents him as an exemplar of everything that is wrong. He’s just laughable.

Peter is authoritarian and has disapproval. There is no enormous élan for this ep. Peter tries for a moral message. This was all creakiness. There is no delightful conflict. Things don’t go deliciously wrong. There are diabolical schemes and no coherence or panache. What is a street lottery?

This was depressingly ordinary laziness and full of drably artificial conflict. Peter’s mildly psychotic obsession with Neal drags on and on. This ep is a chronicle of the insignificant and it is imbecilic entertainment. This was leaden and Peter and Neal fake fight. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“Are you actively trying to die?”

“Assault with intent to intimidate.”

“Had a thing for blood feuds.”

“We should all be shocked.”

“Good deeds are the seeds to good actions.”

“People loved us. Except the ones who owed us money.”

~
The Word
Offred babbles. Rita is sad. People mumble about the fates they’ve created. Eden died due to the pious instructions of Gilead. Rita stays quiet. Offred broods on the fact that all that’s left of Eden is her conservative items of clothing and a bible. Serena Joy is not so culturally traditional. Eden’s bible was note filled. So she could read and write.

Offred incites trouble again and achieves nothing. Gilead is not based on biblical truth. Eden’s death is gravellly concerning for Serena Joy who has cold intensity. Offred has no sense. Eden’s father apologises to Nick. The devastating price of Gilead.

The Commander has petty vindictiveness and is an enemy of individual thought. Eden ran to her family with Isaac and her father turned her in. Offred is shocked. Why is Offred so damn stupid?!? The Commander slaps Offred, she slaps back. Nick holds Holly. Eden and Isaac’s bodies hang on the wall. Serena Joy and other wives worry about their daughters. Why is this show so underlit? I cannot see what is happening.

The martha in Emily’s new posting is called Cora. Emily’s Commander doesn’t hold the ceremony. Serena Joy challenges the founding myth of Gilead. What is the covenant? Serena Joy reads. So the Commander has her hauled off and mutilated. Emily stabs Aunt Lydia. There’s a mirror in Emily’s room - don’t TPTB remove them? Emily freaks out. Serena Joy lost a finger.

The Commander doesn’t know where the tea is kept. Offred rolls her eyes and spits abuse. How did Emily’s Commander explain Aunt Lydia? Rita reveals the existence of a martha network that can get Offred and Holly out. What about Nick? Offred is so slow and stupid it defies belief. Serena Joy loses her sole reason for living. What’ll become of the Waterford household now Offred has run away yet again? What about Nick, Rita and Serena Joy?

Offred is selfish and dumb. The Commander looks at a map. Offred wrote something on a wall instead of running. The Commander hears the commotion of Offred’s escape. Serena Joy tries to stop Offred but then lets her go. The drama is undercut by the bad lighting. Why are the marthas helping Offred? They got more done this season than she did. Emily’s Commander is part of the Resistance? He gets her out. Offred’s dumb. What’ll happen to Emily’s Commander? Offred inexplicably stays behind in Gilead. Now she has none of her children. Emily takes Holly aka Nicole to Canada. WTF? What does Offred plan to do now? This makes no sense.

Best Lines:
“Heretics don’t get to rest in peace. Here they use them as animal feed. Aunt Lydia told us that at the Red Centre.”

“There won’t be a marker anywhere.”

“Godly home.”

“She will obey His Word.”
“She cannot read His Word.”

“What are you going to do when they come for your daughter?”

“Look what we made.”

“I put my faith in Gilead.”

“Live by the laws of scripture.”

“Don’t get caught.”

“Call her Nicole.”

“God send me an obedient woman.”

~
Bullet Train
Shelby and Alex and co hang out with math people. Is Alex knocked up? There is malicious flouting of sense. People are eroded of empathy. Ryan rages. The gang are menaced on a train. Roger Bart guest stars. People babble about a prototype gun that makes no sense. Harry annoys. Alex reveals she hasn’t spoken to her mother in years. The gun is ridic. Jocelyn is exculpated from blame what she did and is back at work despite killing a fellow agent. There is a ridic crisis response. Someone FINALLY points out what a gang of jerks the gang are. No to this.

Best Line:
“Project werewolf."
Tags: designated survivor, handmaids tale, quantico, white collar
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