epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Night Stalker+MegaShark vs Kolossus+JoyRide +Invitation+Satanic+ Pride And Prejudice And Zombies

The Night Stalker (1972)
This ABC movie of the week was highly rated and spawned a sequel and a TV show that ran from 1974-1975. I fail to see why, this was terrible. A reporter (Darren McGavin) shares an objective informed take on a serial murder case that took place in Las Vegas. Why are there always cardboard boxes in alleys in this type of show? Women are found dead and a craven faceless monster stalks the night draining their blood. The ‘hero’ is the only reporter in town apparently.

This was also rebooted as a 2005 TV show that nobody watched. People start using the word vampire in connection with the murders. Horrible 1970s music plays. Men talk of a possible suspect who could have a mental derangement that makes him think he is a vampire. Nobody really cares about the dead women. There is rampant sexism. I did not like this.

The plot unfolds with no considerable ease. The reporter, Kolchak, makes sexual comments about a corpse. There are fat jokes and TPTB decide the public need a softer truth rather than hearing that a vampire is on the loose. Kolchak’s co-workers dislike him. This has about as much quality as ‘Bikini Carwash Company 1&2’. Kolchak rants self-righteously and patronises his woman. Print media is still a thing here.

The police find a suspect and Kolchak jokes that the 70 year old suspect outran a police car. People have straight up contempt for the yelling ‘hero’. Kolchak plans to slay the vampire. The inescapable conclusion is that this badly lit movie is bad. Kolchak has the temerity to kill the vampire. People have angry manners and are entirely against Kolchak.

After the climax, Kolchak faces a murder charge in his ugly ice-cream suit. There is no sense of grim hopelessness just Kolchak pontificating on issues well outside his knowledge base. People have a moralistic response to Kolchak. There is no emotional link or cultural relevance to this. People are neither willing nor able to say thanks to the ‘hero’. There are necessary consequences to Kolchak’s refusal to accept or adhere to political norms; he’s run out of town like his woman.

His woman, Gail, can’t be found and suddenly Kolchak cares. Kolchak is insensitive and his concept of class is ogling murder victims. The social influence of this TV movie lives on. The authorities are shown to be liars and there is intellectual insecurity and there is not even fake gratitude. Kolchak wanders the Earth. Oh boo hoo.

Best Lines:
“Judge for yourself its believability.”

“On route to her doom.”

“Illegal operations you’ve been performing in closets.”

“Super powerful mad man.”

“Mutual suffrage of us all.”

“High on pot.”

“Has been big city reporters.”

“This nut thinks he’s a vampire.”

“You’re gonna get fired again.”

“We are a NEWS-paper.”

“We don’t want undesirable elements in Las Vegas.”

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus (2015)
This has a CGI shark, a Chernobyl that looks like Southern California, unnecessary subtitles and a big attack robot. This was cheap looking with bad acting and was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Red mercury.”

“Sex and violence later.”

“They don’t build those with an off switch.”

“Searching for your balls.”

“How to steal a CIA plane.”

Joy Ride aka Road Kill (2001)
This CB radio horror is Paul Walker’s best film. Teen jackassery has relative consequences. This was okay.

The Invitation (2015)
While attending a dinner party at his former home, a man (Logan Marshall-Green of ‘Devil’, ‘Traveler’ and ‘Prometheus’) thinks his ex-wife and her new husband have sinister intentions. There are weird but dull goings on at the dinner party. There is deviousness. There is no emotional honesty by jerks. Some of the dinner party attendees are in a cult and they show a weird religious video. Everyone at the party has suffered grief and there is endless talking. The doors to the house have been locked and no one comprehends the odd actions.

There is lying and triviality and no terrible sense of dread. Lives are irreparably damaged in this utterly mediocre film. Why don’t the guests just leave? There are evidential problems and the crazy people turn out to be crazy people. This achieves nothing. People’s lives are ruined on a whim by crazy cultists. This was incoherent and full of noise and violence toward the end. This film has a pathological inability to be good.

There are distorted presentations. The party guests were meant to be glad to die and co-exist in their host’s vicinity forever. The baddies are nowhere near as clever or cunning as they think. The ending scene is creepy, the only effective scene of this misfire.

Best Lines:
“I don’t really know how to act.”

“Suspicious of our hospitality.”

“New EST or something.”

“Convert me.”

“Something bad is happening here.”

“Who are you?”

“Don’t tell me this is normal.”

Satanic (2016)
Idiots babble and go on an LA murder tour. They swear constantly and face unfriendly locals. There is no assertiveness. Sense is obstructed and there are disastrous consequences to their idiocy. There is no deadly despair just lamentable dialogue and snide asides. There are endless sex jokes. The idiots do stupid things and there is no underlying logic. This is remotely involving and there is no ethical consistency. This stagnant intellectually and the idiots feel no moral imperative.

The idiots make noise and have no concept of private property. They see a very well lit satanic ritual and nudity. They can’t establish cynicism as their established social circle takes on satan. The jerks mock a girl as a crackhead whore. They bring her to their place and she talks creepily about satan. Then they do a summoning and this was stupid. There is oddness and the idiots shrug it off and scream and swear and act like tools. This was BAD as the idiots die.

Best Lines:
“Smell that asbestos.”

“Junkies and whores.”
“Welcome to LaLa land.”

"God boy."

“Satanic tourism.”

“Upside down cross very original.”

“Burn this place on Yelp.”

"Too hardcore even for us."

“Nancy Drew did it all the time.”

“Devil shrine.”

Pride And Prejudice And Zombies (2016)
This Jane Austen/zombie mashup sees lot of pervy shots of young women hiding knives in their knickers. The women will inherit nothing when their father dies and their cousin (Matt Smith) will get their home and he is an ass. People are dumb and annoying. Mr Darcy lurks in corners. The characters are idiots. This tries for comedy and a distinct note of tragedy. Mr Darcy is an ass. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“That odious man.”

“I never desired your good opinion.”

“Too low to be worth his consideration.”

“The least popular man in the county.”

“Marital submission.”

“The Grand Barrier burns as we speak.”

"Risen from hell."
Tags: movie review, scary 1970s tv

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