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8 TV Reviews

Slasher 1x02

Digging Your Grave With Your Teeth
People are glumly uneasy and ignore the scary noise. The snotty teen shows up, not dead. Mark Ghanime of 'Helix’ guest stars as Justin the jackass landlord. Where did the furniture in Sarah’s house come from? Her husband’s name is Dylan. Sarah wants to be normal adjacent. Sarah’s grandmother shows up, she looks young for a grandmother. Sarah works on her gallery.

I guess there’s no opiod crisis in the small town. So an art gallery can function there. Sarah’s accent slips. Heather mumbles insanely. Sarah’s art gallery will be in a shop Heather once owned and lost. The landlords, Justin and Robin, drink and ignore their dubious business ethics. Robin is a cheater. Sarah paints.

Robin is nearly murdered but is saved. He doesn’t thank the man who saved him. Why does Justin have ‘Jersey Shore’ hair? Sarah visits the 1988 killer and ignores sense. There is no sign of a dreadful effect on the town from a loony on the loose. Sarah goes into a cave with only her smartphone and finds a skeleton.

There are spectacles of public discontent. Sarah pulls a Biblical Seven Deadly Sins murder theory out of her ass. A rabid cop rants. Nothing is clear and informative. This ep was inept. No-one is in a gregarious mood. Really unpleasant things are going on in town. There is no dizzying panic from the corpses stacking up. The town is a hostile environment. Sarah’s mother’s name was Rachel. Was she renting love? Why wasn’t the murder house ever sold? The grandmother knew about the sex tapes.

There is yelling and ACTINGS. Nobody worries about a potential escalation of the new killer. The 1988 victim who escaped with only a slashed face is now the town pastor. Robin shows no contrition for his cheating. The killer is carrying out an exercise in vengeance - his victims are awful people. Justin snorts cocaine or rather, what he thinks is cocaine. Nobody is profoundly sorry.

Who is Sarah’s blonde friend? Justin wears hideous pink trousers. The police are inept. Robin gets a funeral bouquet. Justin does a badly acted foaming mouthed death scene. Blood flies out of his mouth and eyes as he flexes and expires. He and Robin had such a nice house. Heather is the suspect. There is an attack. This was not of far reaching importance.

Best Lines:
“As popular in death as she was in life.”

“Sea of weirdoes.”

“Only eat white things.”

“House with a past.”

“A psycho killer’s on the loose. Everyone’s in danger.”

“Rather dysfunctional family.”

“She’s a bigger story.”

“Queen slut of all sluts.”

“Be a little excessive.”

“His husband snorts poison and dies.”

American Horror Story: Muder House 1x01

There is a creepy house, vile kids and bones. Serious harm is forthcoming to anyone who moves into the house of the title. The opening credits are freaky. Connie Britton of ‘Nashville’, Dylan McDermott, Evan Peters and Jessica Lange star. The father, Ben, wears a hipster hat. The family have a dog and a snotty daughter. They all move into the creepy house.

Frances Conroy and Bianca Lawson guest star. The previous owners of the house died messily, that doesn’t put off the family from moving in. The daughter is bullied by a screechy girl. A faded southern belle neighbour Constance (Lange) wanders around being cryptically creepy. Tate (Peters) is a creepy kid who is having an acute psychotic episode.

Violet is a cutter. Ben is a crap shrink and starts fires while naked. The housekeeper (Conroy) looks like an old woman to the mother (Britton) and Violet but a hot chick dressed like a French maid to Ben. The mother is a hippy into ‘natural’ things and woo. Ben cheated and the mother had a miscarriage. Simmering resentments are stoked. There are mythic notions and perversion and little appreciation for sense.

Ben cries. There is a girl fight and a weird mural and Ben shrieks. There is an overwrought campy screaming match. Ben resents the dog. The mother and her call girl hair has sex with a man in a gimp suit. It wasn’t Ben. There is strobe lighting and Tate wears a t-shirt that declares Normal People Scare Me. Teen romance starts and stops. There is a chase scene and well founded concerns about the house are ignored.

Immense personal threat is shrugged off. Ben has sex panic. There are damaged reputations. This is not clear and informative. Well worn story tropes are entertaining in this bizarre ep. Ben ignores sense. There is stuff on the shady side going on! Move!

Best Lines:
“The morals were just beginning to collapse.”

“Too many bad memories in here.”

“I kill people I like.”

“Somewhere clean and kind.”


“I hate trees.”

“I’ve heard a lot worse.”
“Cool. Can you tell me some?”

“Oil soap kills the wood.”

“Hates everyone and everything.”

“You narcissistic asshole!”

“Piledriving her in our bed!”

“I’m a dealer and a good one.”

“Coke whore.”

“I want my goddam drugs.”

“Peeking in people’s windows is still a crime. Even in LA!”

“Don’t make me kill you again.”

Designated Survivor 2x01-2x05

One Year In
There is a rebuilding montage as the destroyed capitol building rubble has been removed and a shiny new exact copy made to replace it. In under a year. A new guy blowhards and harasses Emily. Kirkman is still not liked. There is a plane hijacking. Ayre Gross was in this apparently. Maggie Q runs into an MI6 guy. The FLOTUS Alex has flat effect. An ex-friend of Kirkman’s is on the plane. I do not love this show ardently and intimately but I enjoyed it. No denial is ever enough. The White House staff are in chaos. This was okay but is full of sap. Where are the Kirkman kids?

Best Lines:
“Kirkman’s folly.”

“I don’t matter.”

“Lexicon of bad words.”

“Removed it from consideration.”

“I abhor what you stand for.”

“Modicum of loyalty.”

“Thwarted at every turn.”

Sting Of The Tail
The season 1 big bad is back. Kirkman faces displeasure of the heart. Kirkman rages. The big bad hides out in a bunker. Kirkman faces obstruction when he calls in a drone strike. The big bad is apparently dead. There is sap and no to this.

Best Line:
“Restrictive definition.”

Alex’s mother whines. There’s a flu outbreak. The shrill lawyer is from 1x02 is now the White House counsel. Alicia Coppola of ‘Jericho’ and Von Flores of ‘Earth: Final Conflict’ and Ron Canada guest star. People get angry over a confederate monument. This was okay. A nice CDC doctor (Coppola) nearly dies. Alex’s mother (Bonnie Bedelia) is shady. There are trash responses. How is MI6 guy in the US? People obsess over a frog. Kirkman yells. Seth bores. Maggie Q is the only FBI agent in America. Big pharma acts out. Alex’s family are trash. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Kirkman toad.”

“Sanitise history.”

“Viral gestation cycle.”

“Anti-viral stockpile.”

“These halls were walked by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy.”

Truckers blockade Mexico. Maggie Q has uncovered that the FLOTUS’ family has secrets. Reed Diamond guest stars, he‘s going to be in ‘The Purge‘ TV show - that I will watch. There is gunfire and babble about trade and a shooting. The FLOTUS is stupid and is stunned to learn her mother took a bribe to get a change to the transplant list. The POTUS’ daughter prances. An irritating woman lurks. The useless bimbo Alex wants her mother’s crime covered up. Aaron’s relative blowhards. Kirkman yells. This was mediocre and there is a conspiracy around Alex’s mother. FFS. An expy of Elon Musk lurks. This was not good.

Best Lines:
“What did the Mexican ambassador have to say?”
“Not a lot I’d like to translate sir.”

“Manufactured nonsense.”

“Milk human tragedy.”

A woman with an annoying accent is shot. Kirkman plays ice hockey and babbles about a financial scandal and the G20 and the Kirkman agenda. The MI6 bore returns. Kirkman is thrown under the bus by a political ally. New guy blowhards. Alex annoys. Megan Gallagher guest stars. Alex uses the White House counsel to defend her mother. Isn't that a conflict of interest? Why does Alex have Cinderella hair? Why does she throw a fit in court? Kirkman makes a sap filled speech. FFS. This wasn't good either.

Best Lines:
“That is not government sir, that is charity.”

“Trying is not the same as getting.”

“Traffic in over-statement.”

“It’s like Uber with handcuffs.”

American Vandal (2017-2018) 1x01&1x08

Hard Facts: Vandalism And Vulgarity
Hanover High had a vandalism incident. Dylan was blamed because teachers had given up on him. He was expelled and faces charges of felony vandalism. Nobody is reasonable and responsible. Dylan has stupid friends. Only a few people have access to the school’s private server. So who really committed the vandalism and deleted the security footage? Dylan is loathed by his goblin like Spanish teacher. Dylan does food deliveries (which he eats) and seems too stupid to be capable of the crime. So what happened? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He does stupid things all the time.”

“A history of poor decisions.”

“He’s really into string.”

“A teacher vendetta.”

“Way-er back.”

This true crime documentary spoof is horrible. Dylan has been dumped by his cheating galpal and rejected from Boulder after being expelled for vandalism. Peter made documentary exonerating him. People babble about Twitch. This is not a high-intensity experience that is unremittingly lurid. High school students who look like they’re 35 prance. Dylan’s dumb and slutty prom dresses are worn.

Dylan learns everyone thinks he is a hopeless, stupid, idiotic, burnout loser. He wears an I Don’t Carrot All t-shirt. A guy nearly dies at a post-prom party and this reveals something. Dubious school politics are discussed as well as the Morning Show 9. Dylan’s arrested and lives up to his beyond redemption tag. This was sad.

Best Lines:
“For the first time Dylan is well liked.”

“Doing the dicks with her.”

“Hitting drill.”

“Pep rally walkout.”

“False accusations.”

“Known dick drawer.”

“Pulling my balls out of waistband.”

“The wayback boys.”

“It’s called a lie.”

“I’m the bad guy.”

“Wrongfully expelled on his reputation alone.”

“Stamp of deficiency.”

“A reputation he’s earned.”

Gotham 4x13

A Beautiful Darkness
Fox keeps secrets from Gordon and Bruce has a bird he neglects. Gotham has a persistence of evil. Poison Ivy is deliberately and wilfully annoying. Penguin is tormented by the annoying Jerome and his bad makeup in Arkham. Lee meets Sofia. What is Jerome up to?

What did Poison Ivy hear from Bruce? As for Bruce he shrugs off how society works to his advantage. Bruce has disregard for Alfred. Bruce hallucinates Ra’s Al Ghul. Poison Ivy has calculated fury. Jerome negatively segregates and isolates Penguin at Arkham. Gordon ignores the notoriously dangerous Sofia and Barbara and has disillusionment. Why is Alfred so unassertive when he deals with Bruce?

Poison Ivy can induce conformity and remove free will from people. Bruce hallucinates. Riddler visits Penguin. This was not powerfully concise. Bruce was investigating Lazarus Water? Bruce hallucinates Alfred, Batman, the Batcave and bats. This was unsubtle. The hallucination Batman does the Christian Bale whisper and Bruce shrills. Bruce still doesn’t apologise to Alfred. I’m tried of this show.

Best Lines:
“What a boring story.”

“Pees himself 10 times a day.”

“If I say yes will it make a difference?”

“Murders my little green friends.”

“Turned into a tree.”

“She’s changed. Like a lot.”

“She’s a psycho who turned a guy into a potted plant.”

“You’re scared, you should be.”

Sanctuary 3x16

Helen and her silly fake accent and Tesla look into a stronghold of the Praxian race. Only to learn it is actually a vampire stronghold. TPTB inflict us with Robin Dunne. Tesla has a frightening determination to be a vampire again. There is made up computer technology and a boring sub plot.

Helen used her dubious talents to remove Tesla’s vampiric nature and now she has to make him a vampire again. Helen’s shrill and annoying. How can Helen read the vampire language? Helen and Tesla encounter the Queen of the Vampires. If she’s been entombed for thousands of years - why is she dressed like a Goth? Tesla points out Helen’s myriad flaws and hypocrisy.

There is bad acting by the Vampire Queen. Lucky bitch Helen is not emotionally available. Tesla isn’t impressed by the Vampire Queen when she rejects him. Tesla points how out Helen let Jack The Ripper roam free. Helen’s gotten over losing her daughter. Tesla’s assumptions about the vampire race go out the window. The Vampire Queen heaves her boob armour and calls Tesla a “mixed blood mongrel”.

The ep becomes all about Helen, again. How does the Vampire Queen speak English? Helen’s insolence bores. The Vampire Queen’s court is under the stronghold in a very large, very modern looking warehouse. Helen tries to fight the Vampire Queen. How does Tesla survive the fight with the Queen? How does the Queen know the phrase: “password.”?

Of course Helen can read the vampire language better than Tesla. Helen nukes the vampires. This was mediocre with bad dialogue and bad acting. Still it did have Tesla. If the vampires existed before humans than how do they look human and what did they eat before humans showed up? This was illogical but okay.

Best Lines:
“The man was a genius in his own way.”

“We’re about to make history. Again.”

“Stayed to serve.”

“Rule into eternity.”

“Revamp me.”

“What my race achieved before humans even left the caves.”

“Power efficiency.”

“The last remnant of an extinct civilization.”

"He can have the past.”

“Animal plasma.”

“I hope you choke on it.”

“The time of returning.”

“I’d rather be a mongrel than a stuck up inbred bitch.”

Shades Of Blue 3x01

Good Police
After the cliffhanger of season 2, there has been a time jump and there are flashforwards. In the future Harlee will testify to police corruption. Stahl is still at large. Woz has walked off being shot. JLo is caked in makeup. The bug eyed Woz looks into a diner massacre. The NYPD has an intelligence unit? Harlee has PTSD and shot a guy. A scene from 1x01 is redone in bitter fashion.

Harlee was saved from Stahl because he called 911 over her bleeding. How is she back on duty? Where is Harlee’s daughter? It’s 4 months after the end of season 2. Woz’s office is now a storage closet and he wants things back to the way they were. 2 of his gang have lost their detective shields due to a disciplinary demotion. Woz’s corrupt squad has been busted up. Where did the FBI investigation go? Where is the investigation into Stahl’s craziness?

Harlee and co run into another group of corrupt cops. Harlee has hypocrisy and judges them. Nick Wechsler of ‘Roswell’ and Bruce McGill guest star. The kid who shot Woz has been locked up. Harlee wears ugly nude lipgloss. There is police brutality and Woz wields a huge gun. Woz runs into more problems. Woz and Harlee yap. This was mediocre and dull. Harlee’s PTSD leads to disaster and the loss of her man-candy. This has no undeniable pathos.

Best Lines:
“Always secure your vehicle.”

“Let’s go be good police.”

“I remember how to kick in a door.”

“Urinal cakes on my sofa!”

“Rat hole.”

“Not going to impress the company we’re meeting.”

“They killed one of their own Woz.”
“So did we.”

“You want a world where there’s no place for men like me.”

“NYPD! Run that light now!”

Carter 1x04

Harley’s Got A Gun
Harley’s annoying and he faces no flattering rhetoric. Where is Harley’s wife? Has she apologised for her vile acts? Where is the rabid cop boss? Harley wants a gun. The small town is fraught with danger as it contains a tech start up into duelling as a team building exercise. Harley is a jerk who bothers his cop ‘friend’. A guy makes old guns. The baddie is obvious. I think I’m done with this lightweight froth.

Best Lines:
“There’s a lot of roads out here Google hasn’t found yet.”

“Hater parade.”

“Violently uninvolved.”

“It’s not laughing time, it’s someone dying time!”

“Pull evidence out of our ass.”

“Take em down hard.”

“Are we bonding? Cos I will resist.”
Tags: american vandal, designated survivor, gotham, helix, jericho, review, sanctuary, shades of blue, slasher, the purge

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