epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: The Babysitter + The Preacher's Wife + 3 others

The Babysitter (2017)
Dream girls can be a nightmare. Bella Thorne and Robbie Amell star in this sexist mediocre McG film. Tween Cole is bullied a lot by everyone. He likes his babysitter Bee and wonders what she does when he’s asleep. Bee turns out to be into Hollywood Satanism. Bee and her gang have snide derision and are without pity and make terrible life choices.

Horrible neighbourhood kids pick on Cole. This was not inherently serious. Bee and her gang are insufferable whining narcissists with withering smugness. Bee’s pal Allison (Thorne) is murderous. Cole’s mom is played by Leslie Bibb of ‘Popular’. There is no modicum of realism. Cole’s dad is Ken Marino of ‘Veronica Mars’ and ‘Reaper’.

This has no terrifying effect. Plans are being laid by people with grim purpose and unbending will. This film has dubious sexual politics like ‘The Club’ (1994). This has no brutal premise and what is the intended impact of this film? For Bee and co, Satanism isn’t a grim business done in secrecy and shadows, it’s fun.

This is not carefully calculated. The teens who look way too old for high school speak stupid teen speak. There is a monotonous innovation of satan. There is comedic violence and blood flies. Overly eager teens get murderous. Reprehensible teens have smug condescension. Bee defies conventions of female virtue.

Amell won’t wear a shirt. A load of mist shows up. Where did it come from? This was sexist and full of bad acting. The 12 year old Cole drives a car into his house. Bee seems to have survived the movie. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“NASCAR Nation bitch!”

“Kick em in the dick.”

“Go to get away from me.”

“Personality real good.”

“Wreck his ass.”

“Have fun getting murdered.”

“Looking like Big Bird’s side-bitch.”

The Preacher’s Wife (2011)
This true story stars Michael Shanks (with a bad Southern accent), Rose McGowan (and her bad cosmetic surgery) and Martin Cummins. A wife (McGowan) murders her beloved preacher husband (Shanks). What are icebox cookies? The pastor threatened to shoot a neighbour’s dog. Shanks walks around with no shirt on. His seemingly perfect wife seems scared and unhappy. The children annoy. The pastor is murdered.

This is based on a Diane Fanning true crime novel. The wife confesses to the murder. The trial becomes a circus. The wife alleges abuse and that her husband made her dress up like a hooker before sex. Cummins is the defence lawyer. The wife says the shooting was an accident, the jury agrees and it seems TPTB do not. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Pump filth right into our homes.”

“He was the important one.”

“Crazy awful evil woman.”

“To submit myself to my husband.”

“Divorce will not be allowed.”

“To revere and obey him in a meek and quiet spirit.”

“Speculates to events not proven.”

“The average teenage girl dressing like a streetwalker.”

Fight Club (1999)

Terror Vision (1986)

Double Team (1997)
Tags: flash, movie review, reaper, stargate, veronica mars

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