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9 TV Reviews

GLOW (2017-2019) 1x01-1x04

Pilot
Ruth, a frustrated actress faces a depressing litany of humiliating incidents and auditions for a new show called ‘GLOW‘. There is 80s hair, 80s workout clothes, an aerobics class, 80s music, nudity, white jeans and the Ruth has as much personality as a shovel. This is based on the true story of the hit 1980s wrestling show ‘GLOW’ aka ‘Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling’.

Sam, a nefarious dude is the sleazy producer. Ruth is a truly awful person and has a negative reaction to ‘GLOW’ and spews negative thoughts and vehement criticism. Ruth lives in a large apartment for a struggling unemployed actress. Ruth has grubby sex with her married lover. There is a WWF mention. Ruth is obviously calculated. There is a training montage. Ruth is goal specific and Sam the sleaze is flagrant in his nastiness.

Ruth gets into a fight with bratty kid skateboarders. Ruth’s married lover is her BFF’s husband. Ruth does research and there is cringe comedy. Ruth’s now ex-BFF Debbie has a public confrontation with Ruth about the adultery. What is a scene study class? There is an imagine spot. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Trashy vampire movie?”

“Like Hulk Hogan?”

“Porn Shakespeare.”

“83 dollars in my bank account.”

“I throw things.”

“LumberJacksons.”

“You don’t love anyone!”

Slouch, Submit
The girls train. Ruth’s co-workers judge her. The incredibly creepy sleazy Sam amuses. I like the narrative vision of this show. Where’d the coach go? This is uproarious and gleeful. A filofax plays a plot point. Debbie watches the soap ‘Paradise Cove’ she was fired from. It has hilarious 80s opening credits. I’m reminded of ‘Invitation To Love’ in ‘Twin Peaks’. Debbie the former soap star broods. Ruth has stubborn non-participation in ‘GLOW’.

There is an ugly mood. Tacit judgement is cast on the party girl skank. Cherry the sassy black woman tries to train the girls. Ruth experiences resentment. Ruth is self-damaging. The party girl has steely detachment from life’s mundane logistical concerns. Nobody has thoughtful, measured responses. This was deeply unsatisfactory. Sam is an image creator.

There is false nostalgia. Debbie shrugs off her piercing rage to work for ‘GLOW’ as the star. 80s jewellery is worn. Sam sees Ruth’s ruinous potential as a bad guy. There are no automatic windows in 80s cars. This was not as good as 1x01.

Best Lines:
“Where’d you waitress? A nursing home in Poland?”

“Please objectify me vibe.”

“Underwear as outerwear girl.”

“Be in a Van Halen video by the end of the day.”

“I can pee in a bucket. I don’t care.”

“A moustache full of coke.”

“Porn dance party in ‘Body Double’.”

“Raking the gutter.”

"Womb goof."

“Pretty cry face.”

“Polite and comatose.”

“Lunge and miss!”

“Crying, caring, the desperation.”

The Wrath Of Kuntar
Sam has an ex with a huge perm. The show’s other producer Sebastian aka Bash shows up. Ruth willingly isolates herself. The appalling script for the show is read. The ‘GLOW’ girls are to be violent redressers of grievances. There are social observations in this show that don’t seem very 80s. Ruth is an object of condemnation. Vicious invective is spewed. Sam has taken no discernible action to make a show that works. A huge phone is used. Bash has a robot full of drugs and a butler. Ruth wears high-waisted jeans. Debbie is sad. The girls create characters that are racial stereotypes. Shelia is a weird wolf girl and Debbie is Liberty Belle. This was funny.

Best Lines:
“Despite my mother’s opinion, which is wrong.”

“Pain faces.”

“Blood!”
“Tits!”
“Storytelling.”

“You die now.”

“Wail in agony!”

“Uterus care.”

“I can’t hear you but I agree!”

“Edipussy.”

“I liked it. Mother not so much.”

“Who likes glittery fun things?”

“Costume closet.”

“Slaver pimp.”

“Rip off of Madonna.”

“Leave my butler out of this.”

“They’re not comedies!”
“Oh.”

“Die yuppie scum!”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“I’m Junk Chain and I bring the pain.”

The Dusty Spur
Why does Shelia take a lighter to her eyeliner? She also puts yellow nail polish on her teeth and wears a ratty plastic wig. Is she supposed to be a furry? Salty the coach from 1x01 is still AWOL. The girls are moved into a motel in the Valley. There is stealing and someone who lives in her car. The motel has ugly wallpaper. Ruth tries to find a character.

There is nudity. Someone’s gimmick is of smart girl Britannica. She’s dumb. There is social bonding and two girls’ gimmicks are of Fortune Cookie and Beirut. They are not happy and moan. Cherry Bang whines. Nobody acts in a perfectly sensible and admirable way.

Sam is vocally dismissive of his workers. Ruth over-estimates her acting abilities, how she tries. Sam has forbearance. People look out for Ruth’s next supposed misstep. There is no concise elegance. Welfare Queen is a hilarious gimmick. There is no polite conversation. The LumberJacksons clan show up. There is no communal bliss. Nobody makes reasonable sounding sentiments.

Some relationships are intensely strained. There is potency and persistence. Debbie’s husband Mike has a stubborn refusal to be sorry. Shelia reads ‘Clan Of The Cave Bear’, she is otherkin. Ruth and Shelia de-escalate hostility. Ruth tries to find her prescribed role. There is a top-loading VCR and this amused.

Best Lines:
“We did a ton of blow.”

“Stop hitting me with knowledge!”

“You’re too lazy to fight!”
“Damn right!”

“You wear oversized diapers for a living!”

“Shackles of family obligations.”

“He fights for a living.”

“He goes to Stanford.”
“Fancy.”

“Prepare yourself to be offended.”

“A view of the parking lot.”

“Looking for a partner I can stand.”

“Doesn’t tear me apart like a banshee.”

“Swamp Maidens Of The Vietcong.”

“So offensive it was banned in 49 states.”

~
Carter (2018) 1x01&1x02

Koji The Killer
A TV star cracks up after his co-star slept with his wife. Jerry O’Connell and Sydney Poitier Heartsong star. This has 90s opening credits. The TV star goes back to Canada and his housekeeper is arrested for murder. The TV star decides to become a real investigator. The TV star’s junior agent shows up to be the comedy sidekick. This is full of meta-fiction jokes.

The TV star’s streetwise ‘friend’ is recruited. The killer is revealed. There is bad acting and camp. The TV star, Harley, and his police friend (Heartsong) and his streetwise sidekick were kid detectives. Harley decides to stick around and gets a new job. This amuses with careless abandon and there is a reveal that Harley's mother vanished years ago.

Best Lines:
“I don’t fight hobbits.”

“Step away from the movie star.”

“Dial back the shooting people.”

“He abuses our trust by making us watch his TV show.”

“Nobody liked him anyway.”

The Astronaut & The Lion King
Where is Harley’s slutty wife? Harley looks into a kid’s murdered mother. The kid was convicted of her murder. Then the kid dies. Harley is an official police helper now and the police chief is a rabid cop who hates Harley. This ep is not high impact. Harley’s mother is an ever present absence.

Best Line:
“Old man blind hobo.”

~
Supernatural 13x10

Wayward Sisters
This show’s SECOND failed attempt at a spin-off. Boring women compare scars and who are all these women? I missed the 1st act of this but I don’t think I missed much. The women all have artfully styled beachy hair. Sam and Dean sit in the blue filtered bad place. They are in misery. Dean looks like he is wearing blue lipstick. Where is Jack?

Sam and Dean don’t put out their damn campfire in the bad place. A caped weirdo stalks them. Why do baddies always jump through windows? Jody Mills and Claire Novak bore. Where’s Linda Blair’s character? Who is D-Train aka Donna? Claire shows off her veneers. What child did Jody lose? Where did the attacking angels go? Men dressed like homeless crazies leap about. Who directed this? The camera barely focuses. There is bad VFX and death. How did Claire find Sam and Dean? A monster runs around. Who or what is the cloaked weirdo? There is spin-off set up which I guess will never be resolved. The ending of this ep is WTF.

Best Lines:
“Bar fight with a vampire.”

“Monster-land.”

“Sound closer to you?”
“Let’s not find out.”

“Out burying a monster in the backyard.”

“Whole new world of bad.”

“My army.”

“Darth Dipwad!”

~
Slasher (2016-?) 2x08

The Past Is Never Dead
I’ve never seen any other ep of this show and I don’t think I care to. There are nefarious goings on at a summer camp. Flashbacks show people mumbling in the dark and bullying a girl to death. This season is subtitled ‘Guilty Party’. Leslie Hope of ‘Doppelganger’ and Ty Olsson star. Backstory is spewed via exposition. Angry, awful people have emotional discomfort and enormous ferocity. I don’t know who these awful hysterical people are and I don’t care.

There is excessive swearing and the characters are selfish, abusive, unappreciative, controlling, flawed people who are ugly inside. The crazy killer with DID is revealed. Flashbacks show how an innocent man was framed for the death and how he killed himself in jail. There is more death, ungrateful people, the killer wears a rank looking outfit and the victims all had it coming.

There is bad acting, finally some acceptance of collective responsibility and no cultivated mystery. This is such a failure. The summer camp hijinks all lead to tragedy. This doesn’t come anywhere near success.

Best Lines:
“Pureeing Renee with a snow-mobile.”

“I’m having a hard time picturing Mark being a cold blooded serial killer!”

“We did another terrible thing.”

~
Gotham 4x11

Queen Takes Knight
The sirens do stuff and Barbara shows off her bad wig. Tabitha wears shiny PVC. Sofia’s dad, Carmine Falcone, shows up. The cannibal lurks. Carmine slaps Sofia and rants about honour. Alfred shows up to bore. Carmine has ease and confidence and unearthly conviction in his gangsterism. Then he is gunned down. Bruce brats. Everyone thinks Penguin killed Don Falcone. The dead Don gets a large funeral. Sofia is in a wheelchair with a neck brace.

Victor abandons Penguin. Bullock resurfaces. Gordon has absolute conviction in himself, he’s a bore and has open despair and is a fodder for indignant responses. Penguin makes a scene at a funeral and then in a police station. Tabitha fires a gun and kills people whilst lying on the floor and tied to a chair with her hands behind her back. Victor throws Penguin under the bus for the one ‘murder’ he didn’t commit.

The sirens dress like porn stars. Bruce whines and where are social services? Bruce can’t act. Why does Alfred stay with the ungrateful screeching batbrat? Bruce starts a fistfight with Alfred. Riddler screams. Solomon Grundy lurks. Sofia reveals herself to be an awful person. Gordon has done untold damage to Gotham. Sofia fakes being injured, walks off being shot by her sniper accomplice, kills people and Gordon can’t arrest her, thanks to the moral maze she’s trapped him in.

Sofia has done appalling things. There are old phones and Sofia has a romanticised notion of place. Alfred’s degrees of persistence bores. Bruce is hateful and fires Alfred as his legal guardian and throws him out of the house. Bruce is a spoilt brat who hit the limit of acceptability long ago. Sofia is a posioner of the city’s psyche. She has it and Gordon completely subjugated. Bruce is ruinous and lives life exactly how he pleases and re-arranges conditions around him to his liking and comfort. I am less inclined to care. Bullock quits. Jerome pops up.

Best Lines:
“You’ve no idea what you’ve brought to this city.”

“The sun never shines here.”

“There’s a mess in the Rolls. You’ll need a bucket.”

“Owes Penguin allegiance.”

“Do something he can’t take back or explain.”

“I’m his enemy. Who’s going to believe me?”

“Surprisingly perceptive.”

“You sent this monster to my city.”

~
Criminal Minds 6x23

Big Sea
Bodies are found buried in the ocean floor in Florida. How can the FBI instantly determine what year someone died? People mumble about a missing relative of Morgan’s. The killer has mania and is deceptive, self-obsessed, abusive, aggressive and coercive. An annoying kid who can’t act is in peril from the boring killer. This does not provoke emotion.

Best Lines:
“Only pieces.”

“Syphilis. Most likely a prostitute.”

“Who did he lose?”

“Nothing in the ocean would.”

“Low calcium levels consistent with alcoholism.”

“Power surge stalker.”

“14 hours a day, every day.”

“Smell the fear on her.”

~
The Coroner (2015-2016) 2x03

Those In Peril
The Angel Cove lifeboat crew are called out on a hoax call. This show is low budget looking but does have nice shots of sunny Devon. A lifeboat crewmember drowns during the hoax callout. The coroner wears unflattering jeans. A Ross Kemp lookalike bores. The dead woman’s lifejacket was torn. The coroner instantly suspects murder. Someone gets smacked on the head. The prying coroner bores. This is very BBC afternoon telly.

This is not clear or confident. A girl has clip in blue and red hair extensions. This has no dedication or commitment. This is not admirable. The coroner looks into what instigated the death. There are serious issues in the lifeboat crew. Seeds of dissent are flung around unsubtly. This ep is catastrophic. A provocative and ill-mannered old man bores. This was not hugely serious.

There are lots of morally bankrupt people. This has no undeniable creative brilliance. There is a dearth of positive narratives here. There is an ‘ooh it’s you’ moment. A dude is killed with a spear gun. The killer is obvious. This was not complex or challenging. People are blasé about the potential serial killer. This was all inadequacies. This was not hard hitting or potentially serious. There is a lack of urgency, adults of concern and no standard of quality. There is lack of timeliness and stupid women.

Best Lines:
“Buy it off the bar menu.”

“A whistling woman.”

“Time wasting idiots.”

“University educated car mechanic.”

“Don’t fuss me woman!”

“Your ignorant drivel.”

“Less inspiring bunch.”

“In distress.”

~
Stranger Things (2017-?) 1x01

Chapter One: The Vanishing Of Will Byers
It is 1983 and annoying kids enunciate badly though loudly. This is not a raw portrayal of the 1980s. There are inexplicable goings on in small town America. This tries to be rousingly nostalgic but is boring. Some kid’s sister is a bitchy sexualised object of desire. Winona Ryder stars as the mother of Will, a kid who goes missing. Winona Ryder has lots of hysterics.

Matthew Modine is a baddie with Andy Warhol hair. Who are the Duffer brothers? The fat unkempt guy showing off his underpants and beer belly is the town sheriff. He has a tragic back-story. Joyce (Ryder) has another dumb son. There is 80s hair, ugly 80s furniture, ugly 80s clothes and school bullies. There is a jackhole boyfriend and a fat girl. This was not honest, interesting or authentic.

There is something Lovecraftian in a lab. A teacher who looks like a sex offender lurks. The annoying loud kids fawn over a CB radio. There is nothing real and no possibility of interest. There is a nice diner fry cook who gets killed. A girl named Eleven lurks. There is an evil detecting dog, ugly wallpaper, enormous walkie talkie, people with guns and Joyce melting down. This was mmmm and does not have a purpose.

Best Line:
“You’re disgusting.”

~
Star Trek: Discovery (2017-?) 1x01

The Vulcan Hello
This was a good start to the show that takes place after ‘ENT’ and before ‘TOS’. There is bizarre Klingon makeup and actors struggling to enunciate through the makeup and teeth. There is very impressive VFX and Burnham is XO of the USS Shenzhou. The starship is flown over a pre first contact planet’s surface. Doug Jones and Jason Isaacs and Michelle Yeoh star.

It is 2256 and the USS Shenzhou is in a binary system. There are tacky uniforms and Saru (Jones) sneers. The Klingons lurk being relentlessly hostile. A cute bridge officer is cute. The USS Shenzhou encounters a ship of a type never seen before. The ship’s captain is Georgiou (Yeoh). The bling-tastic Klingons plot. Burnham remembers how Klingons killed her parents and how Sarek (James Frain) raised her. Spock is not seen or mentioned. Frain has gravitas despite his plastic ears.

The Klingon ship is covered in coffins, like nothing seen before or since. Saru causes issues. Burnham has no objective assessment of the Klingons whose plotting has apocalyptic potential. A Klingon named Voq lurk contorting his rubber face. There is holographic communication, something that was only seen once before in ‘DS9’. Burnham mutinies and a massive Klingon fleet menaces the USS Shenzhou.

Best Lines:
“Our species map is binary.”

“Very lost.”

“Warrior caste.”

“They do come."

“Empire’s been in disarray for generations.”

“We have engaged the Klingons.”

“By all indications. Nothing intelligent.”

“Iconography confirmed: Klingon.”

“Destroy another culture’s property.”

“Mission clock runs out in 15 seconds.”

“Unwelcoming to the Federation.”

“Almost no-one has seen a Klingon in 100 years.”

“Klingon terror trade.”

“Unacceptable duration.”

“Genetic unspooling. You don’t want to die that way.”

“Friendship greeting.”

“Sense the coming of death.”

Tags: glow, gotham, review, slasher, star trek, supernatural
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