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6 TV Reviews

Gotham 4x01

Pax Penguin
Bruce dresses up like a gimp and beats people up. A tacky wedding (money in bowls, cutting the cake with a chainsaw and a bad 80s cover band) is robbed. Alexander Siddig is in the cast despite Ra‘s Al Ghul talking a walk. Penguin receives cautious approval for licensing crime. Bruce wants Selina’s womanly place.

3 months have passed since season 3. Batbrat Bruce has formidable self belief. Scarecrow is bothered by crooks, which is a bad idea so he acts out and Cillian Murphy’s take on the role is copiously ripped off. Gordon whines about social consequences and frightening new developments in social norms.

There is gas, negative behaviours and Gordon constantly admonishes Bullock. Baddies have hostile intent and there are fist fights. Bruce and Selina act like they are 50. Gordon thinks he’s wise and revered. Tabitha and Selina beat people up. Penguin is in highest favour, again. But not for long. Crime unnervingly coils through the city or something. Ivy lurks. Riddler is frozen in ice in Penguin’s club which once upon a time was Fish’s club.

Best Lines:
“Next time you can get punched in the face.”

“We mustn’t call them loonies.”

“That’s not a denial.”

“Go to the cinema like normal teenagers.”

“He’s dead remember? Not that that matters much in this town anymore.”

“Described as cowards and pond scum.”

“Ivy? Go somewhere else.”

~
Shadowhunters 2x01-2x03

This Guilty Blood
Jace is battered by the crazy abusive Valentine. The opening credits are naff. Alec monotones and can’t act. Jocelyn monotones as does the unhelpful gurning Bane. This tries for jarringly serious. The Clave show up. Valentine wears a bad wig in a flashback. Bane is a jackass. The Clave turns on Jace. There is an eerie absence of quality and some fatally ill-advised choices are made. People sport bad hairdos. Simon bores. Alec’s mother turns on Jace. Alec is manipulated by the creepy Bane. Jocelyn has moral terror of Jace. There are shirtless scenes and hand flapping. Vampires show up. Jocelyn tries to murder Jace with a crossbow which is a capper to this terrible ep.

Best Lines:
“One of our own has joined him.”

“Get off my docks!”

“Your stick all ready to go.”

A Door Into The Dark
Jocelyn shrieks and justifies herself. Will Simon get lost? Jocelyn wails that she is a victim. The Clave order enforcer bores. Jocelyn claims her baby son wilted some flowers by looking at them, ooh scary. Lydia sneers. The show loses more credibility. Alec is into castigation. Clary is unpopular.

There are unfriendly werewolves and no concept of emotional comprehension or detail morality. Bane tells Simon to man up. Clary goes back to art school, briefly. Jocelyn is the worst. The acting is really really bad. Simon quips and whines. Aspersions are cast. There is hot anger. This was blithering nonsense. Simon is an idiot. Bane is awful. Dot whines. There are no heightened tensions. Jocelyn’s absence of sentiment goes on. Clary ignores an imperilled werewolf.

Best Lines:
“Evil flower killing monster.”

“There’s no place for you here.”

“Nobody told me.”
“That wasn’t an accident.”

Parabatai Lost
So far season 2 causes a paucity of interest and this ep doesn’t change that. There are flashbacks to Alec and Jace and their bond. Kid Jace isn’t blonde. The worst is readily believed of Jace. Simon ignores his mother. Jace and Clary got separated after finding each other in 2x02.

This is not a deeply harrowing emotionally taxing experience. There are fateful misunderstandings and Bane whines. Jace is wildly unstable and faces damning moments. This ep is not even pleasantly forgettable or exquisite tedium. There is romantic ennui and this is all polished blandness.

The unfriendly werewolves lurk. Luke’s an idiot. This was not haunting or vivid or fiercely inventive. This was an abject failure. Jace faces manner correction by the Clave. Luke and Jocelyn are jerks. Jace faces forced isolation. Poor Jace.

~
The Assassination Of Gianni Versace 2x07

Ascent
This ep is nigh unwatchable. Bold defiance is not what Andrew has. Donatella heaves her chest. Ugly 90s shirts are worn by Ricky Martin. Once upon a time Andrew had an actual job. There is snobbery about ice cream. Andrew applies to be a rent boy and has to whip it out at the interview and show off his arms and teeth. He’s turned down for being Asian and becomes self-employed. Donatella wears a sexy dress. There are lies and threats of violence. Gianni attention seeks. No.

Best Lines:
“All of this will rest on you.”

“Make it yours.”

“A lot of men have bought me nice things.”

“He bought me nice things.”

“How big?”

“I am the dinner table conversation.”

“Being what people want.”

~
Timeless 2x02

The Darlington 500
People run around in 1955. Wyatt talks excessively. Flynn’s locked up and bitter. People babble about NASCAR. The new baddie babbles and is boring. A sleeper agent lurks in 1955 and has a wife and unborn child. He was sent on a suicide mission Emma snots. Mason is useless and is berated.

Rittenhouse is not in the mood for improving relations. The heroes meet a lovable rogue. Emma has predatory precision. Rittenhouse has no procedural morality. Wyatt pulls a backstory out of his ass. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Creepy cult manifesto.”

“You guys really are coastal elites.”

“What are they doing here?”
“Dying.”

“Communist? In South Carolina?”

“Run Detroit. Which you know in 55, was still a big deal.”

“Become a global joke.”

“I used to pray my dad would run off.”

~
The Americans 5x05

Lotus 1-2-3
Wheat is obsessed over. Nobody asks what about those who can’t eat wheat. Philip remembers his childhood as he bangs his mark. She keeps her slip on. Henry is revealed to be a gifted student. Philip and Elizabeth are stunned. Stan and his woman go to see ’Romancing The Stone’ and they drive a station wagon. Philip thinks Stan’s woman is a Russian plant. Is she? Misha does not get to meet Philip but is sent back. Joyless porn sex is had. Paige got Matthew and isn’t happy. Oleg is offered vag. Wigs and fake beards are sported. This was dull, even as Philip and Elizabeth learn they got something wrong.

Best Lines:
“Busy and irritated.”

“No Russian! Not here!”

“Meat soup.”

“He mentioned it vaguely.”

~
Doubt 1x05

Not A Word
Sadie defies the court as her co-workers defend a child killer. Sadie wears white to show her moral purity. Nick bothers a woman. The lawyers won’t tell a woman where her dead son is and sneer about their morality. Sadie humps the creepy Billy. A rape victim is shamed. Sadie sneers and mocks an eyewitness, who is Billy’s sister. This show sucks.
Tags: american crime story, gotham, mortal instruments, review, the americans, timeless
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