epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Cracks + The Perfect Getaway + Warlock

Cracks (2009)
This indie film stars Eva Green, Juno Temple and Imogen Poots. It is based on the far superior Shelia Kohler book. It is the 1930s and at St Mathilda’s boarding school the girls idolize Miss G (Green). An unbearable catastrophe looms. A Spanish student arrives. Wouldn’t the Spanish civil war be on? The snotty students have baseless loyalty to Miss G. There is diving and this is not faithful to the book.

The new girl is bullied. There is isolation, uncertainty and utter unmitigated doom. This was not good, reasoned or well thought out. This unremarkable film was fundamentally insubstantial. There is mumbling and Miss G has obvious issues. This was dull and disjointed.

Best Lines:
“Superstitious and arrogant.”

“A moment of contemplation.”

“Don’t think. Do!”

“A perilous place.”

The Perfect Getaway (1998)
Adrian Pasdar stars in allegedly based on a true story TV movie. Kelly Rutherford and Alicia Coppola of ‘Jericho’ co-star. A stunt man named Colt (Pasdar) is a guttural growler and a helicopter pilot. He is hired by a woman (Coppola) to break her boyfriend (Antonio Sabato, Jr) out of jail. There is baggy denim, dated cameras and non-existent security. There are also huge phones, rampant plot illogic and screechy women.

There is bad green screen, convenient parachutes, bad tracking and Colt wants moral freedom. This was not deeply emotional or tense. Coppola is wonderfully evil; sadly this TV movie is a black hole of suck. Coppola is a cold-hearted harlot who did Colt wrong. This has insufficient intrigue or incident. It also has an unconcern with sense.

Best Lines:
“Logic Nazi.”

“Don’t you think that the Feds might kinda wonder why you were doing that?”

“He’s shooting at us!”
“Shoot back!”

Rewatch: Warlock (1989)
This cult classic starring Julian Sands and Richard E Grant isn’t actually that good. What happened to the cats and the cat? Why was Kassandra so dumb? Why did she think that metallic silver miniskirt was flattering? Isn’t Redferne a warlock too due to all the stuff he does? Why does Kassandra wear huge sneakers? Where did her VW bug go? Did the friendly Mennonite recover from the warlock’s dark magic? Did Redferne have all his anti-witch paraphernalia under his pelt when he was catapulted to 1989? ‘Warlock: The Armageddon’ was crap and I’ve never seen ‘Warlock III’.

Best Lines:
“He’s got a thing for blood, you know, draw your own conclusions.”

“Witch compass!”

“You ain’t no witch! Witches are girls!”

“Undo all you have wrought!”

“If there are children present, make them absent.”

“Thieving it.”
Tags: agents of shield, jericho, movie review, profit

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