epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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Movie Reviews: Kolobos + 3 others

Kolobos (1999)
In the days of VHS, this sat on the shelf, waiting always waiting to be rented. It was not worth the wait. This has nice music which is a total rip-off of Goblin’s ‘Suspira’ OST. This looks low budget and is full of bad acting. 5 people are invited to a house to be filmed on VHS for an experimental film. The characters are all idiotic dirty little hamsters who pursue a bad course of action and make everybody not like them.

The terrifically jolly housemates hang out in this monumental fiasco which makes no sense and has no honesty, rawness, fervour or mild whiff of danger. The gang go ape over a 90s big screen TV which isn’t very big at all. There is bad music, Prozac jokes and a mentally ill housemate is bullied. This film came from satan’s black, hell-besmeared, farting hole.

This is not fearsome and the mentally ill girl is heroically solemn and full of ignored emotional pain. Another girl starred in a series of slasher movies which she brought with her (on VHS) for the housemates to watch. They are laboured guff, much like this film. They watch her operatic and overblown slashers and there is death and the gang realise they’ve been recruited for a snuff film or something. There are twists. The doors and windows are sealed and a metal plate lines the roof. So how is there air?

There is irritating yelling. This was murky and badly lit as the housemates collectively lose all sanity. Who or what is the killer and why are they doing this? It is never clear. This has no efficiency and was made with limited vision. Only one person survives and nobody really looks into or listens to their story. Police and medics are so apathetic it is unbelievable. I suppose this could be worse, I could be watching ‘Solo’.

Anyway the final person walks out of a hospital and nobody cares and there are more twists and we are left to wonder if anything actually happened. Was this a ‘Usual Suspects’ rip-off? Is the final person a nutter? Do they lack all basic social decency? Bad wound makeup is seen and a newspaper ad is written up on a typewriter and an old fashioned phone is seen. Linnea Quigley of ‘The Barn’ is in this somewhere. This was not good and made no sense.

Best Lines:
“Contaminated fork or something.”

I’m paid entertainment. Just like you.”

“Whacky shack.”

“Fishies!”

“Shrine to testosterone.”

“Freaks and psychos live.”

“Make a great Springer episode.”

“Land him a woman of the non blow-up variety.”

“What are we watching again?”
“The Slaughterhouse Factor.”

“The Slaughterhouse Factor Part 6: The Final Slaughter.”

“She’s got a fork in her neck!”

“Which one are we on?”
“The Slaughterhouse Factor Part 3: Death Strikes Thrice.”

“Avoiding panic by maintaining rational thought.”

“Oh that’s convenient.”

“The lasers are off.”

“Distilled into 90s lingo.”

~
Meet The Applegates (1990)
Poo.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
Dreck with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey.

The Borrowers (1997)
No.
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