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Movie Reviews: Fantastic Four (2015) + 13 others

Fantastic Four (2015)
Change is coming. Oh wait, no it isn’t. This was directed by Josh Trank, whose career was seemingly killed by it. This stars Miles Teller, Michal B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell and Reg E. Cathey.

Kid Ben Grimm is battered by his brother who yells “Clobbering time”. Kid Reed is a quasi racist sociopath who builds a matter teleported in his garage in 2007 and causes a blackout. Reed has a teacher who doesn’t care. Grimm grows up into Jamie Bell and a supercilious Miles Teller plays the creepy Reed who is still dismissed by teachers with dour dispositions.

The duo meet Dr Franklin Storm (Cathey) and his daughter Sue (Mara), they have steely determination. There was no moral justification for a reboot. Grimm chews gum and seems absent. They hang out at the Baxter Foundation doing science alongside Victor Von Doom (Kebbel) who looks like a homeless alcoholic tramp.

This was all dismalness and Reed changes people’s life chances by being an idiot. Johnny Storm (Jordon) drag races and has to work for his dad as a result. Grimm is suddenly not there for some reason. They build an inter-dimensional transporter in the centre of a city. Reed only notices Sue is there when he asks where she was adopted from, Kosovo as it turns out.

Victor who looks like the midget from ‘Game Of Thrones’ is less effective than Julian McMahon. This had a notoriously troubled production; there were obvious reshoots, cheap looking VFX, a hostile set and this was hated by the fans. Why do people always wrongly and tragically rely on Reed’s assurances which always takes a personal and professional toil.

What became of the poor monkey? Why didn’t the building have quarantine or protection or security? Mouth-breather Victor is presumed dead thanks to Reed being an idiot. There is no emotional drama and this was wholly untroubled by sense. No wonder there are negative perceptions of this movie. Harvey is some goob who lurks. There is emotion of Area 57. The gang got their powers after some drunken inter-dimensional travel. Sue was left out of said trip and got her powers by sheer chance.

Johnny gets his powers when he goes on fire, which is the most horrifying thing I’ve seen in a superhero movie since the female baddie was turned into a robot in ‘Superman III’. This was not brilliantly unhinged. What was the moral benefit to the unauthorised inter-dimesional travel? There is no sheer berserk absurdity. The other dimension looks like bad VFX and is called Planet Zero.

There is an absence of levity, joy or camp. Sue is winsome; Reed is not a model of wisdom or integrity. Johnny Storm says one-liners via obvious ADR. There is no howling drama. This is a narrative pigpen of unwise acts. This much derided film is wearying and shallow. It tries for darkly ominous. But this has no epic imaginative sweep or narrative focus. Reed does dull surprise acting. What happened when the city blacked out?

Grimm has been turned into a rock thing, Reed is all stretchy and Sue is an afterthought who got blasted by re-entry. Johnny on fire is genuinely horrifying and poor Grimm is pleading for help. Reed runs away ditching his so called friends and whatever Sue is to him. We know Sue will marry the jerk at some point. Why Sue why? Instead of a devastating emotional crescendo we get a one year time jump and they’ve all accepted their mutations, sort of. How did they get a suit on the Human Torch? There are exposition dumps and Sue wears a bad wig in some scenes.

Sue can turn invisible and create force fields. They are scared and in pain. Why didn’t they send Sue to capture Reed instead of The Thing? When did Reed learn hand to hand combat? The Thing is in pain. How does he eat, piss or crap? Why isn’t Reed surprised that Sue has powers?

Most of this movie takes place within underlit rooms. Dr Storm doesn’t punch Reed in the face for causing his 2 children to be horribly mutated in a drunken incident. Oddly neither do Sue nor Johnny. Reed messed with the Quantum Gate source code and people didn’t notice. Victor is still alive on Planet Zero looking like his environment suit melted into his skin and he glows and it is Doctor Doom’s armour from the comics given a silly new look. Victor had a seedy look before he was horribly mutated and now he looks ridiculous.

Victor has powers and kills people including Dr Storm. Victor has plans, vague plans and why does he have a cloak? The foursome end up on Planet Zero and can somehow breathe over there as Reed spews exposition. Where are all the trailer scenes? There is bad VFX in the incoherent final fight. I’ve no idea what is happening or why. How did they get home? They just dropped out of the sky?!? This was all variable performances, aggressive bravado and nonsense.

Best Lines:
“The Baxter incident.”

“Conquer dreams that weren’t even theirs.”

“Flame on.”

“He abandoned us and left us here.”

“This is all my fault.”
“That we can agree on.”

“Reed what did you do?”

“It’s just like ours but expensive.”

“Borat’s a dick.”

“You’re insane.”

“The Quantum Gate Project.”

“Doctor Doom over here.”

Beyond The Poseidon Adventure (1979)
The capsized liner is beset by salvagers. This was crap.

Airport 1975 (1975)
Charlton Heston has to tell Karen Black how to lane a plane after a mid-air collision kills the flight crew and damages the auto-pilot. Linda Blair plays a sick child and there is a singing nun. This was okay.

Airport 77 (1977)
A plane crashes into the sea and must be raised so the trapped passengers can be saved. Okay.

The Concorde: Airport 79 (1979)
This was implausible, the least of which is the concorde landing on a ski slope.

Airport (1970)

Right at Your Door (2006)
Rory Cochrane tries to survive a dirty bomb with his endless supply of duct tape and tarp. This was okay with a cruel twist ending.

The Hindenburg (1975)

Peter’s Friends (1992)
Luvvies attack! ‘Dead Again’ was better. Rita Rudner co-wrote and starred in this with Hugh Laurie and Tony Slattery.

Best Line:
“Fill me with your little babies!”

The Terminator (1985)

Avalanche (1978)

Risky Business (1983)

Donnie Darko (2002)

Amhran na Mara (2014)
Irish language version of a cartoon about a magical seal child and her human brother. This is a fug of idiocy.
Tags: house of cards, movie review

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