epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Zoolander 2 + The Phantom Of The Opera

Zoolander 2 (2016)
A sequel no one wanted. Or saw. Zoolander is a recluse after his reading centre collapsed killing his wife and his son was taken into care because he’s inept. Billy Zane gets him back into the business. Sadly Zoolander is still stupid. Hansel lives in a group marriage with about 10 people including a goat and Kiefer Sutherland. Susan Boyle has a cameo and there is some bizarrely bad VFX.

Hansel and Zoolander can’t cope with new technology and slang as hipsters bug them. They met All (Benedict Cumberbatch) the world’s biggest supermodel who is not defined by binary constructs and there is a fashion designer and nobody can understand a word she utters. Zoolander looks up his long lost son. There are cameos and an orgy involving a pygmy hippo.

This was an unfunny tale of inherently smug people full of self entitlement. This was self-parodic done with unflinching seriousness. This has a tireless commitment to being annoying. Nobody has reflective moments. This isn’t essential to life. It isn’t rational or necessary or credible or compelling. I don’t care about Zoolander’s amity and calamity or his irritating habits. Zoolander is full of negative things and is incapable of social interaction. Nobody’s laughing at this point. Sting was in this, enough said. Then there is the sexism and gay jokes. Go away Ben Stiller.

Best Lines:
“How did mommy make it soft?!?”

“Have you ever even tried to get your son back?”
“You can do that?”

“Been a long time.”
“Not long enough!”

“The masseuses at the hotel are all homeless.”

“Don’t drink the water or you’ll die.”

“Thong shoot.”

“Ball catching.”

“Retro Bond.”

“Shawshanked out.”

“Lard bar.”

“Whore pasta.”

“Sexy fighting.”

“Mentally insane.”

The Phantom Of The Opera (1989)
Tags: movie review

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