The Outsiders
Who is the malign presence in Riverdale? The Blossoms want to mate Archie and Cheryl. Veronica talks too much, her eyebrows are OTT. Cheryl is without contrition. Archie looks dim. Alice rants. Skeet Ulrich lurks. Mr Blossom wears a flat cap and faces accumulating enmity. Archie’s dad employs child labour. Archie wants to bother a biker gang. This was uninspiring. Archie won’t shut up. Alice had a teen pregnancy? Alice throws the horrible Hal out of her house. Kevin’s boyfriend is a honey trap.
Best Lines:
“The Stepfords of Riverdale.”
“That is hardly appropriate.”
“Our maple empire.”
“Blew him off right in front of us.”
“Got you a good spot by the food.”
La Grande Illusion
Archie is dating Valerie, since when? WTF is SoDale? Veronica went to Spence aka Paltrow’s old school. Ethel Muggs bores. The Blossoms are like some weird cult. There is snow. Veronica’s dad ruined the Muggs clan. I thought Veronica said their clothes were seized. So why does she have loads of clothes and jewels? Veronica is patronising.
Archie is stupid. Alice and her useless husband feud. The Blossoms are obvious town villains. The Blossoms sent Veronica’s dad to jail? Cheryl threatens Archie for not liking her. There is bad acting and Archie has no identity, purpose or self image. I’m done with this show. I don’t care about Cheryl’s cruel egotism or life crisis.
Best Lines:
“Made her drink gutter water.”
“You hobo.”
“My claustrophobia acts up in small houses.”
“I’m done with you.”
The Lost Weekend
It’s Jughead’s birthday. Chuck and Cheryl plot. Betty freaks out and Molly Ringwald shows up as Archie’s mom. Skeet Ulrich lurks. Alice joins the school paper as an advisor. There is aggressive slicing. Archie and Jughead are sanctimonious and the least interesting characters on the show. Veronica is entitled and constantly appeased by her mother. Cheryl is awful. Veronica and Cheryl do a male gaze dance off for no reason.
What did Veronica’s mom do? Cheryl and her family are obviously evil. Why did Archie not go with his mom? Jughead is thankless. Cheryl and Chuck crash a party and cause a scene. There is no youthful, lustful eagerness. Archie’s mom bores. Jughead doesn’t like Kevin or Veronica. Why don’t Archie and co throw out the party crashers instead of literally playing Cheryl’s stupid game?
Veronica accuses Cheryl of incest. Veronica is impossibly privileged and unbearable. This was all banal blankness and unappetising shallowness. Jughead says Betty is only going out with him until Archie dates her. There is a fight. Alice was a Southside Serpent. This was ugh with no bleak unhappiness.
Best Lines:
“Catatonic bimbos.”
“Shoo, bitches.”
“I chose my dad.”
“Middle of a Seth Rogen movie.”
“Defiling Archie Andrews in a closet.”
“Your mob wife of a mother.”
“Dressed up like a hooker.”
“Long haired delinquent wearing a leather jacket.”
To Riverdale And Back Again
Veronica’s dad is getting out. Archie’s mush mouthed mother bores. Veronica’s mom is dim. Veronica and Alice plot against FP. Cheryl menaces Polly. Grim faced Jughead spoils with regret. This show is overwrought and weighed down with its own sense of importance. FP is arrested, Jughead learns what crap friends he has and nobody is savvy or trenchant. Nobody is sorry for anything. The Blossoms are like rejects from a VC Andrews novel. This has no moral gravity and one is not receptive to it. The actor who plays Archie is half-Samoan but this isn’t true for his character. And why not?
Best Line:
“Doing shady stuff.”
~
Physician, Heal Thy Selfie
I missed 2x11. Liv defiles another corpse. Who are all these characters? Where are her family and best friend and old surgeon friends? This isn’t even deliciously awful. Liv is awful and I hate her.
Why is Major orange? What is going on? The evil soft drink company is everywhere. Oh scary! This was boring. Liv realises Blaine is the source of all evil; she knew that in season 1. Liv is a dumb hateful bitch who has barely veiled distaste for Major. There is no coherent ordering of events.
Best Line:
“Nice hearse. It’s real inconspicuous.”