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Valkyrien (2017 - ?) 1x01 + Riverdale 1x02-1x05 Reviewed

Valkyrien (2017 - ?) 1x01
This sour spirited Norwegian drama is being remade in English and will star Mark Strong. Ravn teams up with a corrupt civil defence man Leif to open an illegal clinic. There are staring thieves and weird opening credits. Ravn is a doctor who has a dead wife and a miserable stepdaughter. He ends up having to care for an injured robber who stole 62 million. Who were the robbers and what were they robbing? What went wrong? How was Ravn’s non-friend Leif involved?

Ravn acts shifty and has blood bags in his illegal clinic located in an old bomb shelter under a railway station. Ravn has no genuine regard or concern. Nobody is held accountable for anything. Norway is full of bomb shelters apparently. People have self-gratification. Leif is a prepper who has no cultural acceptance from his family. There are a lot of preppers out there.

Leif rants about a fireplace. No one is chastened by anything. Ravn is billy no mates at his old job. He is also a raving hypocrite as he is keeping his not dead wife in his secret clinic to treat her with illegal treatments. This was okay if not an overwhelmingly enjoyable experience.

Best Lines:
“She was refused help.”

“In the lab, by the rat cages.”

“You said he wasn’t wanted.”
“Now he is.”

“They’ll cut the power and wait outside to kill us?”

~
A Touch Of Evil
Archie jogs shirtless. Miss Grundy has contrarianism. Betty’s mom is perennially dissatisfied. WTF is a magnolia cupcake? Cheryl is hideous. Jughead annoys. Betty annoys. Martin Cummins, Robin Givens and Lochlyn Munro guest star. Betty is morally outraged about Veronica. Betty’s sister Polly is of some disrepute. Jughead is behoven to annoy and he won’t moderate his words. The narration isn’t an ark of testimony. Cheryl is steadfastly annoying and why are her bitchy actions not actionable? Jughead is nicknamed Donnie Darko. There is a fight. Josie’s mom is the mayor. Josie and the Pussycats sing Sugar Sugar. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Undeniable irrevocable fact.”

“No, you ghoul.”

“Shallow toxic rich bitch.”

“That family is pure evil.”

“Some dark pagan god that they worship in that insane mansion of theirs.”

Body Double
What happened to Jason? Cheryl’s parents are vile. Betty’s parents run the Riverdale newspaper so Betty revives the school paper. Archie’s dad lays down the law. Is Pop’s the only hangout in town? Veronica is slut shamed. Josie and Cheryl are friends? How are Veronica and her mom paying rent on their fancy apartment? Archie has little prospect of ever living a meaningful life. There is soap boxing.

Archie and his music bores. Why is Jughead excluded? This was not avidly appreciated. Cheryl isn’t worth forgiving. Archie has tenaciousness at being annoying. There is bad acting. Betty’s mom, Alice, gets punched in the face. Does Betty have issues? This was ugh.

Best Lines:
“What the hell is a sticky maple?”

“Sluts get shamed.”

“Reeks of suburban legend.”

“Terrible consequences in the weeks to come.”

The Last Picture Show
Archie looks 30. Archie’s dad fancies Miss Grundy. Jughead rants about the Drive-In closing. The Southside Serpents are a local biker gang. Skeet Ulrich of ‘Jericho’ is one of them and he’s Jughead’s dad. A gun and Grundy’s vagenda cause commotion. Where are the rest of Jughead’s clan? There is corruption and hatchet faced over-botoxed women. Miss Grundy is a sicko.

Alice walks over her husband and engages in unreasonable persecution of Archie. Why isn’t Alice subjected to punitive measures? Someone robs Kevin’s dad’s murder wall. Kevin gets some rough. Miss Grundy leaves, things are uncertain and Ulrich doesn’t have a slight edge of menace. This wasn’t good.

Best Lines:
“Who even goes there?”
“People who want to buy crack.”

“Southside trash!”

Heart Of Darkness
The Blossom clan live in a big creepy mansion. Why haven’t the Lodge women given up their jewellery, designer handbags and designer clothes? I don’t care about Archie and his damn music. A snake is used as a menacing tool. Betty’s dad cries. What was wrong with Jason? Where is Polly? Is she pregnant? Veronica is not welcome at the home of the crazy abusive Blossom clan.

Does Jughead never take that hat off? The Blossom parents are emotionally abusive tools. Cheryl attention seeks at her twin brother’s funeral. A creepy old woman lurks who tells a very different account of Jason and Polly’s relationship. Betty’s dad rants on about a feud his family have with the Blossoms. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He and his filthy clan.”

“Why does a rich kid sell drugs?”

“Deserved a better family then what he got.”
Tags: jericho, review, riverdale
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