epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Reign 4x08 + Colony 2x05 + Salem 3x03-3x06 Reviewed

Uncharted Waters
Mary runs her agenda. Darnley is hateful. Charles prances. How is Henri old enough to be fighting Turks? Where is Henri’s tiny wife? Darnley and Mary plan their royal wedding which TPTB treat like a modern day royal wedding. Claude is vile to her husband. Bothwell plots. Elizabeth meets a pirate, who refers to her as Elizabeth The First which wouldn't have been done. There is a prophecy about Mary’s yet to be son. Rizzio shows up. There is a mention of Bash. Mary claims to have an infirmary. Oh come on! Darnley’s lover dies. Elizabeth wants an empire after being insulted by Spain. Mary is useless and this sucked.

Best Lines:
“Where is he?”
“Not here.”

“Darnley will be your undoing.”

“The large angry chicken.”

“A prophecy spoken by a vagrant in the woods.”

“Land fowl.”

“I brought something back called a turkey.”

“A tavern gambler.”

Company Man
Charlie is dim and Katie is HYSTERICAL and thankless. Katie is thick. Will is loathsome and exploits the death of co-workers. Bram is the moron to end all morons. Will learns Jennifer is dead, he doesn’t seem to care. Maddie has joined the Greatest Day cult. Katie is rude and thankless. Will smirks and is smug. His new boss is vaguely insinuating. Will acts burdened. There is mendacity all round. The resistance smugs. The Resistance fiddle with a drone. Bethany Joy Lenz of ‘One Tree Hill’ guest stars. The brat kids whine. Katie whines and she lacks the normal range of human emotions. This ep was significantly flawed and nobody has character motivation.

Best Lines:
“Honour and duty.”

“He’s been exited.”

“Whacking prisoners in the head.”

The Reckoning
Mary revelled in profane filth and now the dark forces she pledged her soul to have ejected her from their ghastly clutches. Mary has now lost her tacit level of acceptability. Bug man rants about god. This was not deeply affecting. Smol satan rants. How does smol satan have a reputation that scares people or hallowed status? Mary did purposeful evil. Am I supposed to care about her redemption? Mary’s head is kept in a box. Cotton wants out of his enforced relationship. Hathorne is menaced by Mercy with imaginative verve. WTF is red mercury? Isaac looks for justice. This was okay. Mary is stripped of her magic.

Best Lines:
“A pitiful sack of blood, piss and water.”

“Our fellow fallen still pay the price.”

“Unloved creatures.”

“Who cares for one more dead wastrel.”

“This ain’t no bad man.”

“The power this pale twig has over all of you.”

“Angel’s tears.”

“If you like your tongue, never say that name again.”

“No you little bastard.”

“Give up your waters woman.”

Night’s Black Angels
As soon as Robert Picardo’s name appears in the credits, you know this ep will suck. Mary is not calm or compliant. This was directed by Joe Dante. Hathorne and Mercy form a kinky relationship, while he goes on about a refugee crisis and she dresses like a Wild West whore. Cotton runs into weirdoes (one of whom is Picardo in a bag wig). Indignities are heaped upon Cotton. This was irrefutably dull. This does not invite engagement. Bug man monotones.

Best Lines:
“He will be believed.”

“Praise his unholy name!”

“Coming to claim his kingdom.”

The Witch Is Back
Anne is tormented. Smol satan prances. Lucy Lawless and Marilyn Manson guest star. Tituba and Mary bitch at each other. Cotton believes Anne is with child. Mercy faces vengeance. The Countess is still a rotting corpse in a box. Sebastian whines. People wander around badly lit sets. Mary is to be small satan’s bride. John Alden is reactive. Bug man lurks. Tituba was on ‘Revenge’. Bug man rants. There is no deep reverence for smol satan. This had no intensity or moral boundaries. Satan’s avatar on earth has no need to cultivate talent or personality. Tituba plays both sides. There was no internal world building logic. This ep was not a structure that creates entertainment. This was decreasingly interesting. Anne is a dangerous menace to society. Cotton’s whore lover returns, she is the one who pregnant. Nobody conducts their affairs with dignity or etiquette.

Best Lines:
“Took on a suit of flesh.”

“Careful how you speak to me.”

“Far from your door.”

Wednesday’s Child
John Alden has no quiet intensity. Internal attitudes cannot be changed. Tituba lied. Hathorne and Mercy are to marry. An arch-confraternity of witches are out there apparently, the goodies have no chance. This ep had no efficacy. Isaac is habitually reviled. This ep had frank disregard for logic. Everyone has collective enthusiasm for satan.

Anne continues down her lie-strewn path. This ep was dull and mediocre. There is casual offence. Cotton wants to get insanely intoxicated; he is not in a tragic situation. Sense is spurned. Sebastian whines and is contentious. This ep has a hapless inability to entertain. Mary calculates to offend. This ep was pitiful.

Anne extends the circle of unhappiness. She is the author of her own misery and misfortune. She steals the pregnant whore’s baby. What’ll become of the whore? Sebastian is pathetic. Where is John living? Didn’t the doctor take over his house? Did John get it back? Is the doctor still in hell? Does anyone care? The ‘Theater Thug’ ep of ‘Drake and Josh’ was better than this.

Best Lines:
“Trust you? I never have.”

“I will not leave you behind like Lot’s wife!”

“His insipid wife.”

“Gave up on you out of shame.”

“The devil was once an angel.”

“Fearsome engines of wrath.”

“A carpenter I once knew.”
Tags: colony, reign, salem

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