epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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Movie Reviews: Sharknado + Dunkirk + The Triangle + ATM

Sharknado (2013)
This Syfy movie sees a tornado suck up sharks (and only sharks). This was made by the people who give us ‘Z Nation’. This has bad VFX and stars Tara Reid and Ian Ziering. Reid is the badly acted wife of the dumb Ziering. There is also a big haired bimbo waitress who can’t act. There is stock footage and this was comically overt.

Sullen Ken dolls and total melty sorts face perilous shores. Enough said! This tries for affable vagueness. The late John Heard pops up as a barfly. There are toothy smiles of blankness and no unsettling darkness or off-kilter oddness or heavy melancholy. One views this with mock incredulity and resigned apathy. This was deathly dull direness.

Sharks have malign intent. A stupid daughter rants, the ‘90210’ dude chainsaws a shark and old people with walkers take up screen time.

Best Lines:
“I’m not a stripper!”

“None of your business anymore.”

“But sharks? Come on!”

~
Dunkirk (2017)
Christopher Nolan’s film about the Dunkirk evacuation stars Harry Styles, Aneurin Barnard, Kenneth Branagh, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy and Mark Rylance. This is crunching realism on 70mm but it can be loud and incoherent. The sight of the little ships arriving at Dunkirk is dramatic.

~
The Triangle (2016)
This found footage horror apparently took 3 years to edit. A group of dude-bros head to a commune named Ragnarok. This resembles ‘The Sacrament’. Who assembled this footage? I’d never heard of this film until I watched it. The events in the film take place in 2012. The dudebros head to the depths of Montana after being contacted by their friend Nathaniel. Why did he contact them? They head to the commune where Nathaniel lives and it is full of badly dressed weirdo hipsters.

The picture goes out of focus a lot. They live some weird ass Burning Man ethos. The commune is actually a group of crazed cultists who dress and act like nutters and pontificate on their weird philosophy. The dudebros film insects, a well, sheep and men in tight tiny 80s shorts. Ragnarok’s weird flag and emblems flap in the breeze ominously.

The dudebros film chickens, broccoli, drugs, a weird noise in the mountains and a cave. It is after they see what is in the cave that things go awry. Something is in the cave. The first half of this film is good but the second half falls apart as the ethically deprived types unravel.

Best Lines:
“Don’t be too weird.”

“Fart water.”

“Cage of words.”

“Experiment in his tent.”

“Search party thing.”

~
ATM (2012)
Josh Peck and Alice Eve star in this ‘horror’. It is Christmas and 3 noxious bankers who are terrible bad actors are trapped in an isolated ATM as a nutter menaces them. The nutter is dressed like a reject from ‘Urban Legend’. Why don’t they just leave? This was rubbish.

Best Lines:
“Why else would this guy be standing in the middle of an empty parking lot?”

“I did say no. Twice!”
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