epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Sanctuary 3x08-3x10 + Salem 2x04-2x06 + iZombie 2x08 Reviewed

For King And Country
Who is Adam? Why is Tesla there? Adam is Jekyll and Hyde and hates Magnus, understandably. Why is Will in this show? He contributes nothing. Magnus screams and yells and nags. Peter Wingfield shows up in flashbacks. There are fake moustaches, beards and sideburns. Adam wanted to join The Five but they ignored him. In flashbacks, Tesla has an accent.

Magnus needs to shut up. The Five made excuses for Druitt’s murderous rampage but Adam was persona non grata. Adam (a Brit) uses the word: jello. Magnus has a map to an underground city. Adam keeps calling Will a concubine. This ep has an over-abundance of people being jerks to Tesla. Magnus wears a bad wig in flashbacks. Adam had a sick daughter and naturally Magnus didn’t help. Druitt shows up to annoy. Nobody cares that Ashley is dead.

Druitt was always a cause of embarrassment to this show. Druitt wears a bad wig in flashbacks. Watson mocks Tesla pointing out that he is Serbian. Magnus is downright petty. Why does everyone hate Adam? Because he had the rotten luck to be born in a slum? Did I miss anything by skipping 3x05-3x07? Will looks as though he was born in a slum. Magnus is suddenly dying. Oh happy day. Magnus has no remorse for anything. Nigel was the boring one in flashbacks. This was okay even if it had no intellectual polish.

This had bad VFX and the steampunk flashbacks were the best things in it. Druitt was never a menace so one can’t say he has had menace decay. Will RAGES. Why is he on this show? Magnus is awful.

Best Lines:
“Secrets hidden from mainstream science.”

“This shipment of fresh hell arrives.”

“I don’t do humble.”

“She’s hardly the hero you think she is.”

“Druitt: menace to society.”

“Please tell me he’s dying.”

“I owe you nothing.”

“It needn’t have come to this.”

“Built on the blood of a dead man.”
“It was necessary.”

“His death gave us all a future.”

“Suicide? You’ve already played that card.”

Will is a slack jawed idiot. Who is Declan? Magnus snots at Druitt. They’re both rude. Tesla snots. Why is Will such a jerk? Magnus shrieks. Adam might as well not be there. Will lies. I don’t care. There is stupid VFX. Magnus, Druitt and Tesla stare at a VFX map and all 3 seem to have different sightlines. This was unfathomably bad.

Best Lines:
“We have to try.”
“Do we?”

“Dies a strange death.”

“Ignores logical associations.”

The Hollow Men
Kate needs to shut up and go away. Will is thankless. Polly Walker shows up as the leader of the underground city. Recall when people predicted that Walker would become a huge star due to ‘Rome’? Druitt shouts. This was not epic or unpredictable. The gang end up in a terrible predicament thanks to Magnus’ stupidity. Why is Magnus so universally adored given her incredibly disproportionate responses to things?

People she takes against have a strange way of vanishing from her social circle. Kate whines. As Magnus and co venture underground there is no issue with air or pressure. There is light for some unexplained reason. The underground people have tight t-shirts and dress like a 90s boy band. This ep had no emotional ballast. There is an underground airship and a basilisk. Will is a moron. Where does the underground city get its water and light?

There is an underground farm and technobabble and a mass transit system. Adam sneers. There is an underground waterfall and everyone mocks Tesla but he is the only one not trapped underground. Magnus is arrogant, Druitt is in peril and they are fried by stupid glowy things. This was okay if daft.

Best Lines:
“Don’t be bitter.”
“Oh I do it so well.”

“Triggered an autolock.”

“3 surface life forms.”

“Bang 2 rocks together and call it tool-making.”

“We don’t abide unlawful transumations here.”

“Vampire detector.”

Book Of Shadows
Tituba gives Mary warnings and eats the dead Seers eyes. There is no stunning intensity as John murders and walks around in a plague doctor’s mask. This was not darkly mesmerizing, intricate or disturbing. It was also not morbid, sinister or spellbinding. Hathorne sneers. The characters seem to have forsaken grammar. Mary revels in her own crapulence. Mary gives Anne a Book Of Shadows. Every witch has to keep one apparently.

Everyone is unimpressed by Cotton. There is a Newton mention. Dollie lurks. Mercy torments Isaac. Anne gets a familiar: Brown Jenkins. Mary sexes up the doctor. Mercy batters Dollie. Anne engages in animal abuse. This was mediocre. Also Mary spies on Anne.

Best Lines:
“Cotton Mather returns, like a dog to its vomit.”

“Cut your candle short.”

“The old ways are not lost.”

“Your familiar will come.”

“The benighted bigots of this little town.”

“Goddess of bitches.”

The Wine Dark Sea
The Countess and her son are creepy and weird. What does a true consecration mean? John menaces Cotton. Anne is menaced. Mary indulges in elder abuse. Mary’s brat is creepy. Puritans orate. The Countess killed other old witches. Mercy tantrums. Anne engages in more animal abuse. This was terrible. The Countess kills George. Nothing is commendable here.

Best Lines:
“The sweaty molestations of Mr Sibley.”

“Your witch stick.”

Ill Met By Moonlight
Mary engages in self harm. George is really dead and Mary unravels. John stalks Anne. There is a bar fight, that the good puritans do not stop. Mary tries to be fierce. The Seer isn’t dead or is he? The Countess wears purple. She and her son steal. There is a sex dream. Anne has cast a spell on Cotton to make him marry her. Brown Jenkins’ eyes glow red. There is inaudible mumbling. Tituba is onto John. Mercy bathes in Dollie’s blood and Mary digs up Increase. This was BAD.

Best Lines:

"His corpulent carcass."

The Hurt Stalker
Steven Weber snots and plots. Clive is a murder suspect. Liv nags Major. Liv ends up in jail. She nags Major more and this was BAD.

Best Lines:
“Register some concern with my news.”

“Go with the urine flavour.”

“Classic whore line.”

“What’s George RR Martin up to right now?”
“Not writing!”
Tags: izombie, salem, sanctuary

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