epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Shadowhunters (2016 - 2019) 1x01-1x04 + The Kennedys: After Camelot (2017) + iZombie 2x02 Reviewed

The Mortal Cup
I was eager to see this adaptation of the Cassandra Clare novels. I was also eager to see ’The Vampire Diaries’ and that turned out to be crap but this is okay.  It has a low budget. The stele looks like a light up club wand. The title card is okay but bonk-eyed Clary is a charisma vacuum. Alan Van Sprang of ‘Reign’ pops up as baddie Valentine.

Clary’s BFF is wind-up merchant Simon. Clary’s mother Jocelyn carried out a campaign of lies and now they fall apart. Clary learns of the world of the supernatural. Clary is stupid and the seraph blades look like toy lightsabers. The runes look like ringworm and there is reckless malice.

The shadowhunters have relentless sass. Luke is humourless. Clary is vacuity and bad choices. This was mildly pleasurable but it had no oaken richness. Jace is all benign menace. Bane is all dark imaginative power. Clary is profoundly confused and has a tone of incomprehension. Jocelyn has implacable and powerful enemies. The fights are badly choreographed. There is no panache or imagination as Clary meets Jace and plunges into the world of the shadowhunters who fight evil.

The Circle seem to be Valentine’s cadre of baddies. Clary feels forsaken and disliked. Valentine hangs out in Chernobyl and is the source of all social evil. There is not a hell of a lot of subtlety here. Alec whines and this was okay.

Best Line:
“Is there a meth problem we have to talk about?”

The Descent Into Hell Isn’t Easy
Clary and Simon wander into the Institute. Simon flatly rejects sense. There is no astute insight here. This is not great or serious or particularly affecting. Exposition falls like cheese anvils. Hodge is semi-apologetic for his past with Valentine. The title card is nice. Clary has misunderstandings and is hilariously awful and contemptible.

Valentine has grasping avarice and no sepulchral glamour of evil. This was not sufficiently challenging. Clary wants grunty sex with Jace. Isabelle takes callous enjoyment in being mean. This was unserious. Simon is vituperous. Alec is self-assured seriousness. Bane the warlock prances and engages in atrocious behaviour. The Silent Brothers lurk. Simon is both jealous and desiring. Clary does dull surprise acting. SHUT UP Simon, with your ill-informed comments. There are more unnecessary complications. Dot the warlock is an idiot. This was mmmmm.

Best Lines:
“Hodge repented.”

“The night children.”

Dead Man’s Party
This tips over into melodrama. Nobody has ethics and morality. Clary is the worst. Simon is all venality. Alec and his clear-eyed ferocity no longer even pretends to be decent. There is tacky gold furniture. Simon faces the corrupting taint of vampires and makes flagrant errors. A Seelie finagles. Clary and Jace ride a demon energy flying motorbike. This was okay. There is slut-shaming and Simon whinging about being friend-zoned.

Best Lines:
“My little caramel.”

“Animated sack of meat.”

“Frame a narrative.”

“An overly involved process if you ask me.”

Raising Hell
Simon whines and takes a critical stance and adopts an aggressive, even menacing tone. He is the worst. Where is mortal threat Valentine? I’m sick of Simon and his unrequited love. Maureen wants Simon. Isabelle wears what looks like a Christmas decoration on her head. Christina Cox of ‘Blood Ties’ shows up as Simon’s mother. Bane lurks. What about Clary’s magic necklace? Bane overacts and is not wonderfully icy. Alec rants. This was okay. There is a demon summoning. Alec loves Jace and breaks a protective circle, nice going jackass. There is bad vfx and this was okay.

Best Lines:
“Their blood could be interesting.”

“I won’t offer again.”

“Pretty boy, get your team ready.”

“Does he normally just lay like that without moving?”

Part 1: Family Bonds
A follow up to the 2011 miniseries I didn’t watch. It begins in 1968 and has no deep character work and is full of bad wigs, fake noses and fake teeth. Jackie (Katie Holmes) has maddening hauteur and unshakeable opinions and overblown paranoia. The Kennedys are brought low again by RFK’s death. Ted (Matthew Perry) is fat. Jackie is wooed by the lurking Onassis (Alexander Siddig) and his fake nose. Why were this family so venerated? Why is Jackie so beloved? Joan is ignored and Ethel is shouted down.

Tacky jewels are worn. Jackie makes it all her own personal narrative. Joan (Kristen Hager of ’Gotham’) does silent lurking. This was full of various actors I hope never to see again. Jackie is apparently charming. The Kennedys witter on about some idealised future they are supposed to create. Perry can’t act. Christina Onassis sneers. This has a fug of desperation. Jackie does defiant shrugs, Ted is not an affable rogue and this was marginally less rubbish than expected. Is any of the Kennedy foundation myth true? Ted goes to Chappaquiddick; drink drives and leaves an intern to die in a sinking car. The fate of the intern is horrific, Ted shrugs it off. Ted isn’t even semi-apologetic for what he did. People should be incensed at Ted and his terrible treatment of women.

Best Lines:
“It’s our turn now.”

“How local it isn’t.”

“How many times is repeatedly?”

“Only sober 20 minutes a day.”

“Ted and scotch.”

“I’m finished with this. All if it.”

“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”

“I’ve nothing to wear.”

“It’ll never be more than this.”

“I dreamed things that never were and say: why not?”

“They’ll take what they can get.”

“It’s what Kennedys do.”

“When do I get included in all this?”

“We’re not like other families.”

“Let it stay buried with them.”

“I’ll get it all back for us.”

“You owe us!”

Part 2: New Beginning
Jackie = Joey Potter. She gets a fatal disease and is wan and saintly as she smothers John Jnr, also Caroline might as well not exist. Ted acts like the death he caused impinges on his fun. His fixers try to fix the received narrative and Ted whines about intergenerational memory. There is bad old age makeup. This has an unsentimental tone. Ted never recovered the respect he lost, he has become something unspeakable.

He has considered responses and thinks he’ll be ultimately beneficial. His fixers are disdainful toward the dead girl. They have non-critical loyalty. Even a priest is in with the Kenendys to protect Ted. This is an unsparing depiction of narcissists. Jackie whines and the sneering Ethel goes along with the Kennedy cult. Ari turns on Jackie after his son’s death. Ted rants about health care. There are time skips. JFK Jnr whines and Ari dies and the Onassis’ vanish. Did JFK Jnr care at all about his stepfather?

Jackie dies after a prolonged bout of tantruming and saintly invalid acting and John Jnr unwisely marries. Jackie admitted she lied about Camelot. John Jnr shrugs that off and goes flying. Okay.

Best Lines:
“I’m ashamed by that.”

“Belongs to the men now.”

“How dare you be associated with this?”

“Be a Kennedy wife and raise Kennedy children.”

“I want to feel valued.”

“A pretty story to wrap it in.”

“Overblown and melodramatic.”

Zombie Bro
Liv eats frat boy brains. Major whines. Liv’s roommate has a secret. Blaine bores and his vile father (Robert Knepper!) shows up. Liv whines and Major does drugs. Yawn.

Best Line:
“Everyone looks like a drug dealer in this lighting.”
Tags: izombie, mortal instruments, reign, review

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