Wonder Woman (2011)
This unaired pilot is full of bad acting and naff VFX. Wonder Woman runs around in an ugly costume looking like a stripper. People love her with fervent feigned enthusiasm. Wonder Woman is beloved and there is an ugly title card. Adrianne Palicki, Cary Elwes, Elizabeth Hurley, Edward Herrmann, Dr Phil and Nancy Grace star.
Wonder Woman’s plane isn’t invisible and she funds her crime fighting via her big company that sells merchandise of herself. Her ID is public but she can’t get a man. This has no emotional impact and she remonstrates. Wonder Woman’s outfit has a 1970s teen runaway meets her new pimp vibe. Nancy Grace likes Wonder Woman. Dr Phil is not a fan of Wonder Woman. The temptation to mock kicks in quick.
Wonder Woman aka Diana grimaces and fumes and is disparaging. This was all banality and defiant gazing. Sense is systematically ignored. Diana has a constant snide tone. No wonder this was not given serious consideration as a TV show. Diana has no patience and persistence. Henry (Elwes) is Diana’s shrink and he has 90s David Beckham hair.
Diana is Wonder Woman, an industry head named Diana Themyscira who everyone knows is Wonder Woman and her secret ID is that of Diana Prince. Her secret identity of Diana Prince does nothing but hang out with her cat, watch a Ryan Gosling movie and fuss over Facebook. WTF is the point of the Diana Prince ID? Anyway people have biddable readiness to obey Diana. Veronica Cale (Hurley) is the big bad, of this ep. Diana does a press conference condemning Cale and her posh accent.
Cale points out that Diana treats others as lesser. Wonder Woman wants to be popular and sell products via Themyscira Industries. This has no serious nature and is inexplicably horrifying. This is mind-numbingly stupid. This shoe-horns lessons in. ‘The Hitchhikers’ ep of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ was better than this. Steve Trevor shows up in flashbacks. How they met is never explained. She dumped him but misses him.
Wonder Woman (Palicki of ‘Red Dawn’, ‘G.I Joe: Retaliation’, ‘Supernatural’ and ‘Agents of SHIELD’) is a ranting lunatic with a menacing glare. A boy named Willis dies. Anyone who hates Wonder Woman is wrong and a baddie. You cannot doubt the psychotic vigilante in a tiara who sells dolls and has everyone’s admiration. There is no mention of her Amazon upbringing and none of this makes sense. She never uses the lasso.
A senator (Herrmann of ‘The Lost Boys’ and ‘Gilmore Girls’) points out that Wonder Woman is not human. Cale makes super soldiers and gets hurled into a wall. Wonder Woman wears tiny shorts and her bracelets are tiny. Curse you David E. Kelley for this crapitude! The shorts vanish and she is wearing leggings again. Steve Trevor shows up working for the Justice Department and he’s married. Oh you just know Wonder Woman would kill the wife. This was unconnected with reason.
“Reeled him in like a trout.”
“Lasso of truth.”
“Diana Prince is a lie.”
“I wish you’d killed him.”
“Need you a lot.”
“All from ghettoes by the way.”
“She called me an action figure.”
“Your hero capital.”
“Steroid slave trade.”
“We love you Wonder Woman!”
“Injured my employees, some catastrophically.”
“Lonely. Profoundly so.”
“I’m feeling misunderstood.”
“Threaten me in some way.”
“Merchandise my tits!”
I Know Who You Are
Joe and Barry lie. Has anyone told Snow’s mother that her daughter has gone crazy? Where did Killer Frost get her super-villain outfit? HR sleazes. This was enfeebled. Cisco sneers at Julian. These people are jerks. Killer Frost acts like she has drug troubles. Cisco is useless. Killer Frost sluts it up. Snow is nicknamed The White Witch. Iris is useless. People act like Killer Frost is incapable of intending evil. This was sap. An annoying woman lurks. Where is Tina? Joe is AWFUL. Barry lies and would rather stick his dick in the garbage disposal rather than be honest. Barry is Savitar, like duh. Where did he get that armour?
“This isn’t you.”
“It is now.”
“Jack Frost’s sister.”
“I am the future Flash.”
Maggie doesn’t think Supergirl serves the best interests of the city. Mon-El annoys. Kara is selfish. Where is Max Lord? Rhea befriends and manipulates Lena. I’m sure that’ll end badly for Lena. Alex is in peril. Winn bores and James is AWOL. There is not a mention of him or Max Lord. Supergirl lists all the people who know her secret identity and Max Lord isn’t mentioned. He knows. Where is he?
What is Rhea planning? An old school friend of Alex and Kara wants his father busted out of jail. Kara is selfish and Maggie is not listened to. Why doesn’t Kara ask Lena for help? Why is Kara so stupid? How did Maggie get into the prison? How did she steal all that stuff? Kara is the WORST. This was okay. Why is anyone listening to Kara’s specifying and platitudes? Alex beating on someone is funny apparently.
Howard ups the ante to get Halcyon back from Scottie and stop it being a rich woman’s vanity project. There is unnecessary attention seeking and this was good. There is hostile posturing and Scottie continues her interminable extreme over-reactions to everything. Tom sees Liz. Didn’t he kick her in the face in season 1? Liz’s acting is still woeful. Scottie has persistent non-engagement with sense. The lumbering plotline of Scottie’s male escort goes on. Tom and Scottie have a confrontation. He hates her, she isn’t sorry and Howard rants. The FBI is useless. Tom and Howard bond. There is a reveal and Howard is from Warsaw?
“They didn’t seem to care.”
“I’m not calling you.”
“Then why is my phone ringing?”