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Movie Reviews: Watchmen Ultimate Cut + 14 others

Watchmen: Ultimate Cut (2009)
This is a long dark dystopian take on superheroes. In a crapsack world, ‘heroes’ run around. Malin Akerman does dull surprise, Matthew Goode is creepy, Jackie Earle Haley does rage, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is freaky and caked in bad old age makeup and Patrick Wilson has hidden rage. This was excellent aside from the bad makeup, bad wigs and the unnecessary Black Freighter segments.

Best Lines:
“Are there no depths you won’t sink to?”

“I say when doomsday is approaching!”

“Begin fuelling the bombers.”

“I don’t like you.”

“Never disposed of sewage with a toilet before. Obvious really.”

“Spare me indignation.”

“Some super owl dude.”

“Mr owl.”

“What nocturnal proclivities entice a man with everything out in the night at this hour?”

“Unquestioning assistance.”

“Free of compromise.”

“We don’t dignify absurdities with coverage.”

“Crank file.”

“Daniel, not in front of the civilians.”

~
Ghostbusters II (1989)
5 years later: the woman has a baby and by overt subterfuge the former heroes of NY are a joke now. This was dumb. The man-repelling woman engages in wilful child neglect. The Ghostbusters do kids parties and have gone out of business. This was not tragic, nuanced, engaging or likeable. This was full of less than decent behaviour and fails in a fairly basic way. This was not gentle, uplifting, fraught, tense, ethereal or defiant. I don’t care about their travails in this ill-thought through sequel.

This was predictably plotted with no ingenuity or audacity. The actors have apparent indifference and no subtlety or grace. NY is now insufficiently fearful of ghosts. This has essential mediocrity and is all cruelty and meanness. This was not meaningful or profound just impenetrably awful. This was deeply unfortunate and all glum humourlessness. This was perfunctory and had no cold-blooded grimness. This was artistically invalid.

Why are the gang so socially un-adept? The dialogue doesn’t always resemble what real people say. There are dated pop culture references. Why are they so maligned? This is not a significant art form. This has a well deserved reputation problem. This is not subtle, textured, contemplative or reflective. This has no credibility or motivation. There is not even a whiff of threat. This deserves universal derision as it is entirely un-involving and unsatisfying.

Best Line:
“Time is but a window.”

~
Pollyanna (1960)
No, shrill and unreasonable.

Best Line:
“DEATH COMES UNEXPECTEDLY!”

~
Monty Python and The Holy Grail (1975)
Subverts expectations.

~
Mr & Mrs Smith (2005)
Dull.

~
Phantasm (1979)
This outlandish horror is okay. It had 2 bad sequels and then 2 other sequels which I haven’t seen. This was not emotionally intelligent.

~
Fortress (1992)
No, this was infamously diabolical.

~
Children Of Men (2006)
Okay.

~
Logan’s Run (1976)
Colossal stupidity.

~
Babs (2017)
This BBC1 film is a bio-pic of Barbara Windsor of ‘Carry On’ and ‘Eastenders’. There is staring, her estranged daddy goes off to war and Babs is an evacuee. Dead characters show up to play the Greek chorus. This was not fantastically witty or inventive. Apparently she could have been a serious actress and she made Jayne Mansfield jealous. Oh really?

Best Lines:
“Speak nicely to the people you stay with.”

“Didn’t hit you did they?”

“Up your hooter.”

“Do something about those too.”

~
Fallen (1998)
No.

~
The Mask (1994)
Overrated.

~
Van Helsing (2004)
Crap.

~
A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
Brando!

~
Private Benjamin (1980)
Unfunny.
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